Accepting my changed heavier body

[gindinner]

Over the past year I've worked on building up muscle, focussing on strength training with less cardio. I've gone from 135lb up to 147lb, and now down to 139 lb.

I'm a lot trimmer than I was at this weight in the past, and my measurements are the same as they were at 135 lb. But I'm having trouble becoming accustomed to my weight. I've suffered from eating disorders in my teens, and it's hard to shake it out of my head even at 53. I'm not counting calories, but I have to force myself to eat carbs and enough protein to fuel my workouts. Ideally, I'd like to put on more muscle, but obviously that will mean becoming heavier.
I'm 5ft 6. My measurements currently are
36, 26,36
Neck: 12.5
Biceps : 12
Fore arms: 11
Thighs : 21.5
Calves: 14
My body fat is @ 19%
I'm alternately happy with my body and anxious about how heavy I am. Particularly (predictably) the size of my thighs.
Is it just a matter of giving myself time? I really don't want to undo everything I've achieved

It's so hard to shake off the little voice of the eating disorder, isn't it? I'm wondering how often you weigh and measure yourself?

I had some eating disorder counselling many years ago and one of the best pieces of advice was to gradually stretch the days out that you log your stats - so if you're doing it once a day, do it once every two days, then once every three, then build up to weekly, then monthly. It's hard at first but easier than going cold turkey and chucking the scales out.

I'm 46 and was hugely conscious of my weight and eating most of my life, until I became very ill and lost a lot of weight in a short time. Which should have been the holy grail except I felt so awful. Weak, tired all the time, breathless, had multiple vitamin deficiencies which led to some horrible side effects. Being healthy and strong is really the holy grail, not the alternative.

Your body fat percentage is great (look at the averages for our age group), your measurements are completely in proportion, your weight is perfect for your height. The most brilliant thing you've done is increase your muscle mass which has such a good protective effect for things like osteo.

I think maybe looking at ways of tackling the anxiety might be a good idea - are there things you can do when you get in that headspace that could help? I like doing yoga with Adrienne on youtube or a meditation app, having a bath or reading a good distraction. Finding a way not to focus on measurements and weight is the key - you will get there.

Sorry for the essay!