Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Ethical living

Discover eco friendly brands and sustainable fashion on our Ethical Living forum.

Original poster

Unplanned pregnancy

30 replies

Millymoo198 · 13/06/2021 07:40

I'm 32 weeks pregnant with a little girl.
Between me and my partner we have 6 children, 4 are mine and 2 his that he sees every other week. Since I found out I was pregnant he wanted me to have a termination but I simply couldn't. Now he says he wants to stay with me but is distant, refuses to tell people about the baby, hasnt helped me buy a thing and even refuses to touch my bump. Its causing me so much stress. I'm worried about going into labour and being alone or when shes born he wont acknowledge her as he still hasnt told anyone about the pregnancy. I'm lost and don't know what to do 💔

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 13/06/2021 07:58

Well you can't force him to interact but what a horrible way for him to behave. Is he trying to punish you for going ahead with the pregnancy? You must have had unprotected sex, had you not talked about the chance of pregnancy.

Do you think he's resentful because of the cost? How old is he? Do you have a shared mortgage? Do you have space for another child?

Maybe he will come round, although I would struggle to maintain a relationship with anyone who had behaved so nastily.

DinosaurDiana · 13/06/2021 08:00

Does he live with you ?

Original poster
Millymoo198 · 13/06/2021 08:25

I was on the pill and fell poorly, I was given some antibiotics apparently that could have affected the pill but I didnt know.
My house is small but I'm waiting to move.
Hes not shared any of the cost. He doesnt live with me at the moment but stays here most of the time.
Hes 31.
Not going to lie I am heartbroken. I dont understand how after going for scans together and seeing my mum grow that he can still be so cold.

OP posts:
Original poster
Millymoo198 · 13/06/2021 08:27

No he doesn't live with me yet as we were waiting to move into a bigger house anyway. Hopefully after the baby is born but I cant see me wanting him to move in when hes refused to get anything for the baby now.

OP posts:
ivfgottwins · 13/06/2021 08:40

I'm sorry OP - his behaviour is shit but I'm not sure what you expected? everyone knows that antibiotics messes with the pill and I know there will be those that say well if he didn't want an unplanned pregnancy then he should have taken responsibility for contraception but at the end of the day presumably you discussed it and you were both happy that your method of contraception was the pill. He wanted a termination and it was your choice to proceed (as is your right) so you can't now force him to be happy/engage with this pregnancy or baby when it arrives?

Perhaps already having 4 children to support financially and assist in raising was his limit? Which I presume he does otherwise it was incredibly foolish to think he'd be any different with a child you had together?

I think you need to plan for zero involvement from him now and in the future. Some men come around once the baby arrives but for many you don't see the father for dust

DinosaurDiana · 13/06/2021 08:48

He should only be staying with you if he’s sharing the cost.
Don’t let him use food and utilities if he’s not paying.

Mintjulia · 13/06/2021 08:57

Op, it sounds like he'll be off as soon as the baby is born. He likes his cushy arrangement where he spends most of his time at your nice warm house, (where you cook?, clean?, organise his life?) but doesn't have to take on any cost or responsibility.
I think you need to choose someone you can trust as a birth partner and plan childcare for your others.
So sorry you are in this situation. But at least your home is yours, and you're an experienced mum.
Are your other dcs old enough to help a little?

Tempusfudgeit · 13/06/2021 08:58

'We don't live together but he stays here most of the time'? You need to get your finances in order before being looked at for benefit fraud. Get ready and get support in place - you're going to be a single mother of five with at least one dead-beat father. Have you got real life friends/family that can help you get some control over your life? You have the strength to do it, once you jettison this awful man from your and your children's lives.

Original poster
Millymoo198 · 13/06/2021 10:56

I genuinely didnt know about antibiotics and the pill. I was shocked my self when I found out and it's taken me a while to get my head around it.
My financial situation is good. I'm a good mum to my children. And I have a good job to go back to working from home that fits around my kids.
He comes in, showers here, eats food here, brings his kids here to stay and gives me nothing. Hes not contributed anything towards buying baby stuff.
I feel like waiting for the baby to arrive for him to come around is just a waste of my time. He should be there for me now. I gave him the option to leave, no strings attached and he chose to stay, I dont understand why!
Says he wants to be there when shes born but refuses to tell people in work we are having a baby! Heart broken and confused

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 13/06/2021 11:38

He's still got another 8 weeks of free food and hot water. Does he have somewhere large enough for his kids or did you provide that too? Who looked after them and fed them when on his EOW?
My guess is next, he will try to persuade you not to claim CMS.

And I didn't know that about ABs either. Although I do now.

But no-one has said congratulations on yo pregnancy OP. Have you started thinking of names yet?

nimbuscloud · 13/06/2021 11:42

He’s using you.

Original poster
Millymoo198 · 13/06/2021 12:16

He has a house to go to it's big enough for them all. I'm starting to think the same thing.i am dreading going into labour and having to do it alone. Thank you, I have no names yet. Everything has had a huge impact on my bond with her so far. I'm waiting to see her little face to see what name would suit her x

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 13/06/2021 12:22

No, he needs to step up or get out.
Have you thought about who’s surname you are giving her and if he’s going on the birth certificate ?

RainingZen · 13/06/2021 12:31

I'm so sorry he is spoiling your pregnancy by his horrible behaviour. You sound absolutely lovely. The main thing is your baby is loved and wanted by you and her siblings, she is coming into a warm and lovely family home. Having a daddy who loved her from day 1 (or ideally day -1) would be ideal, but there will be plenty of love for her.

Who knows why men go weird like this when they get a girl pregnant? My DH absolutely was revolted by my pregnancies and stayed far away from the bump, but he adores our kids. Be patient, he may come round. But I w0uld insist that he contributes. Even on the pill, pregnancies can happen - it is not "your fault"; he made the baby, he pays for the baby.

Oh and regarding giving birth alone: don't panic. I did most of my last labour alone. DH did come for the pushing stage, and I was quite glad to see him, but I didn't "need him". It was really empowering to realise I am enough, I don't need a man to lean on. Purely and simply, I'm enough. And so are you.

Be strong, don't let the miserable bloke drag you down.

FelicityPike · 13/06/2021 12:40

He absolutely doesn’t have to pay a penny towards the baby until it arrives and he’s accepted/ been proven to be the father.
It’s shit that he isn’t paying for things, I can understand your frustrations there.

Original poster
Millymoo198 · 13/06/2021 13:07

Surely it's his responsibility to provide for our baby too weather shes here or not and just to add shes is absolutely definitely his. Weve been together for a while. I would never cheat. I've been a loving partner since I met him and I haven't changed one bit, just him.
I'm planning on having a home birth, with everything that's going on I feel it would be safer.

I asked him if he would like her to have his name and his response was "I dont mind" 🙄

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 13/06/2021 13:11

Oh I’m not insinuating anything, please don’t think I am.
I agree he should be contributing, but he doesn’t have to, legally I mean.

Mintjulia · 13/06/2021 13:13

Felicity is correct that he doesn't have to provide anything before little one arrives. However, put the CMS claim in the day she is born.

He absolutely does have to provide for her from day 1. He can faff around pretending that he isn't the father as delaying tactics but his responsibility starts from the day of your claim and will be deducted from his salary unless he can prove he isn't the father.

nimbuscloud · 13/06/2021 14:14

Surely it's his responsibility to provide for our baby too weather shes here or not

It should be. And decent men would.
Unfortunately he’s not a decent man.

Totallyrandomname · 13/06/2021 14:33

I’m so sorry to hear he’s acting so cold towards you and the baby. As he has children already he is obviously more than aware of the potential consequences of sex even when contraception is used. He should be taking responsibility but it does sound like he’s on his way off doesn’t it.

I agree with others that he shouldn’t be using your home/food etc for his kids without contributing while he isn’t contributing anything to your unicorn baby (and even normally it’s a bit cheeky).

If I were you is give your daughter your surname. I also wouldn’t be mention him being at the birth….if he isn’t actually actively planning to be there himself that sends quite a message.

I don’t generally like an ultimatum, but is it worth telling him what you expect as a basic from him (even if he’s taking time to adjust to being a fad again) and that you need to call it off he he can’t manage that basic level of support? I just thinks being explicit and clear is helpful sometime.

Original poster
Millymoo198 · 13/06/2021 14:35

It shouldn't be that way. Mothers take so much weight of the responsibility!

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 13/06/2021 14:40

How long have you been together?

Original poster
Millymoo198 · 13/06/2021 23:31

Just 2 years x

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 13/06/2021 23:33

Is he a good father to his other children?

Patapouf · 13/06/2021 23:43

@Millymoo198

Surely it's his responsibility to provide for our baby too weather shes here or not and just to add shes is absolutely definitely his. Weve been together for a while. I would never cheat. I've been a loving partner since I met him and I haven't changed one bit, just him. I'm planning on having a home birth, with everything that's going on I feel it would be safer. I asked him if he would like her to have his name and his response was "I dont mind" 🙄
Well maybe he's thinking that between the existing children you both have that you've enough baby stuff already?

Lots of men just don't bond with the baby until it's born but it does sound as if he's checked out emotionally because he wasn't happy you went ahead with the pregnancy. He might come around but you need to decide whether that's good enough if he's not treating you well now. You know you can cope alone so the question is whether your relationship is worth the way he's making you feel.

Swipe left for the next trending thread