I don’t know what to do

[SecretSquirrelTV]

I don’t know what to do.
Ive been with my husband for 14 years and married for nearly 10. Have 2 kids.

We’ve gone through some stuff recently, he’s spent £10k on credit cards for ‘us’, a couple of holidays which I had no idea about and it all came to a head when I found a letter requesting payment. Turned out there were a few small loans and he was behind on payments- we can’t afford to just clear so he’s in payment plans and I’m so cross at him decimating his credit record and for doing it at all. I don’t ask of him like that so why he’s got into debt for us, I had no idea.

He’s a good man but can be unreliable, doesn’t get things done and this past 6m I’ve really struggled with him.

We had a local event at our village hall, he was at home and I got drunk and kissed and did oral on a local guy. I’ve never cheated in my life, or wanted to. I’m ashamed and feel so guilty but there’s been problems for a while.

I don’t think I can tell my husband what I’ve done so do I just try make up for it and be the best wife I can or end things because clearly I can’t love him if I’ve done this.

I’m so lost, I feel I do love my husband and want my kids to have a stable home.

What do you mean by holidays you didn't know about - he went by himself/ with others?

In a village hall/local guy situation is there not a very strong chance that your husband is going to hear about this from someone else if not from you?

Is he a 'good man' or is he "unreliable, doesn’t get things done" and runs up thousands of pounds of debt without you knowing about it"? Has he always been like this or is it new? You've been unhappy with this for six months now. Is this what you want for the rest of your days?

Did you go on the holidays did you not question at the time where he got the money from how he was paying for them

Oral means you’ve cheated. Tine to go to couples counselling.

Well, that story had a twist I didn’t see coming…so to speak.

You’ve cheated. Obviously things are poor. Sounds like you need to break up. Whether you tell him or not isn’t really the issue at the moment. Things obviously aren’t working.

You may want your kids to have a stable home, but they don't.

A dad who's in debt and hiding it, and a who's cheated and is hiding it.

In all honesty I would be separating right now. Financially you'll be better off away from him until he's paid off his debts at least, and you'll both need some time to get over the cheating.

Is the house rented or bought? Who's name is it in?

OP there is no excuse in your marriage to warrant cheating. Let’s stop with the reasons why you aren’t happy as a justification for cheating. Take ownership.

You are at real risk of him or your kids (!!!) finding out because of the situation.

You need to speak to your husband because clearly both of you are lying and hiding things from each other.

Is that what you took away from this tale?

She sucked a bloke off. Probably someone her husband knows.

Just imagine the roasting on here if it were roles reversed.

What a mess!
If you don’t tell him, he’ll find out, so you may as well tell him.

so. You cheated.

He ‘treated’ us to holidays as work was doing well, but it wasn’t. A few weekends away and abroad. But on credit cards which I had no idea about and now £10k in debt.

A nosh down the village hall, so a small community, so will get out at some point, it always does.

Whether this is kept from your husband is probably out of your hands.

You gave a local man a blow job at an event in the village hall? Christ almighty, the entire village will know. You have to tell your husband before someone else does. And no, him running up debts is no excuse for you to do this.

There’s no way the village won’t know you gave a bloke a blow job round the back of the village hall.

How drunk were you? Did the other man take advantage of you being too drunk to realise the stupidity of what you were doing? And of course were you seen mis-behaving by people you or your husband know, presumably you weren't having oral sex in the middle of the dance floor. If someone tells him you will have to deal with the consequences.

If you want to stay in the marriage then I wouldn't tell him, what good would it do? It might make you feel less guilty but that is something you will have to live with. Sort out the finances get things back on an even keel, decide whether this marriage is really what you want.

Will be in the Parish Magazine soon I reckon, if it’s anything like the village up the road from me.

By the bins. Classy.

Just as Joyce from two streets away was taking her pomerian for its last walk of the night.

She’ll have told Brenda from the Post Office all about it by now. You know what Brenda’s like, everyone will know now. Some people in the next village will know as well.

You need to tell him, what you’ve done is a huge betrayal. If it was with a local man it probably will come out at some point so it’s better it comes from you. Your husband may or may not feel he can forgive and move forward from this but that is not your decision, you have already massively betrayed him by doing this with another man but don’t betray him further by keeping it from him.

This is MN though, where she’ll be told to sweep it under the carpet, as “everyone makes mistakes”.

Do you not have any idea of oversight of finances either? I mean, if DH started booking holidays I'd be wondering where the money came from. If not, why not? Do you have any responsibility for family finances?

You cheated though, and that is utterly shit. The two things aren't even in the same arena.

Fess up. You can only keep a secret if there is no possible link between people or it’s so boring nobody will ever think to mention it. Sucking someone off round the back of the village hall at a community event fails spectacularly on both counts.
Whether you decide to go forward as co-parents or give it another go as a couple isn’t for anyone else to decide but it sounds like it’s not working for either of you. Feeling obliged to treat your family with holidays with money you don’t have isn’t normal behaviour. Why on earth has a “good man” done that? Showing off? Feeling of inadequacy? Worried his wife will suck someone off round the back of the village hall if he doesn’t buy her holidays? Sucking someone off in public is arguably even less normal.
Tbf to the OP, lots of wife’s would simply believe there is extra money if their dh is in the sort of work where bonuses or overtime is normal or if he’s self employed. Less likely for salaried employees who get an identical pay packet every month unless promoted.