How do you handle your child's realisation that you've lied to them for years about Santa?

[allydoobs83]

Apologies that this is very unseasonal and that I've probably not posted in the right place,but my,soon to be 6 year old DS has become very skeptical lately,so I'm anticipating lots of questions about Santa this year. I'd love for him to believe in the magic for a few more years yet,but he's very bright and I'm not sure how much longer I can convince him of "his" existence.
I'm just wondering how other parents deal with this? I've always been as honest as possible with him about things,so hate to think of him doubting whether he can trust me or anyone else, once he realises that all the adults in his life have been lying to him.
For context,he's very invested in Father Christmas and mentions him throughout the year as in,if he gets a certificate at school,he'll ask whether Santa knows,etc.

Does he think Santa brings all the gifts? I think people who teach their kids that are shooting themselves in the foot.

Just tell them Santa brings one gift and or the stocking. Then they're not demanding all sorts of tat, the buyers of the gifts get thanked, and finding out about Santa is no big deal.

Once the kid begins to have doubts and asks you outright, you cross the line between make-believe and lying.i don't think 6 is young to stop believing, I would have said that's about average. I can remember even in reception, kids telling me it wasn't true and that it was your parents but at 4 and 5 you tend to believe your parents above your schoolfriends. By 7 or so kids can think more logically. I think there's a lot of kids humouring parents going on at age 7+

We told our kid that a bishop, long ago began dropping presents in the hung up to dry clothes of children in his area, so they could accept charity while keeping dignity. This became well known as an act of generosity, where you can take pleasure and prayed, and giving, rather than receiving. We keep this theme alive across the world by rewarding children, on a date that was known already in religion across the celebrating areas, so that children can experience the joy of receiving. When he found out this, we then said you must keep it alive by being Santa now, you are now part of the people responsible for getting joy to others.

took away some disappointment away and made him feel important enough, not to tell other children about what he knew

But we hadn't gone for elf on the shelf and we never gave those dates of be good or Santa won't come I think it would be more difficult to explain away all those other parts of lies 🙁

Deny, deny, deny 🤣

In our family, Santa comes as long as you believe. At 30 and 22, they still get stockings.

I remember doing this as well and feeling quite smug aged 10 or however old I was, having finally outwitted my mother haha. 😂

It’s no more a lie than a fairy story. Children work it out gradually without adults telling them and it provides good opportunity for critical thinking skills.

Our kids (long since grown up adults) found out at some stage because they were still awake when we crept into their room with the stockings but pretended to still be asleep. They never told us this until years afterwards however just went along with it!

My children are fully functioning adults and coped with finding out that Santa didn’t exist at various ages and are not traumatised!
My oldest worked it out aged 6 and kindly told her little brother aged 3 😂🤦‍♀️

We talked about Santa being in our hearts and delivery presents as being Santa.
I only did that because I didn’t want them out of things at school. In January, aged just 6, my son said he didn’t believe and I agreed with him.
I have no regrets.

When I had my son, I thought I was going to go full on with santa, snowy footprints, have a family member dress up so he gets a glimpse, etc. really make it real.

But then I quickly felt uncomfortable about that. It doesn't feel right to really make children 100% believe in it, especially pushing that belief when they were older.

Looking back at my own Childhood - there was never a moment of "Oh, he isn't real, I've been lied to" instead, there was just a gradual realization over time that comes with age. No heartbreak, no tears, etc.

I think this was because my parents always did santa with a "wink" - They never said he wasn't real, and I probably did believe it for a while, but it was always presented with a bit of a air of humour/story-telling etc. around it. Not as absolute fact.

E.g. if my son asked me is santa real, I'm not going to look him dead in the eye and say "Yes! Santa is absolutely real!" Instead I say things like "Well, do you believe he is real?" or "Well, I don't know, but I wouldn't want to take a risk!", or "Well he better be, because otherwise I'll have to buy the presents!" etc.

That combined with the slip ups.. the times when you say "Oh, I got you that for Christmas" and the child says "didn't santa get me that?" - oh yes, sorry.. and the dodgy mall santas, and the movies, and the older children etc.

All of that combined, should not create the situation of absolute 100% belief, that then leads to heartbreak. But instead creates a not-so-believable story that children naturally grow to understand can't be real as they get older.

As another point - I also have found (purely in my family/friends' experience) that the parents who pushed hardest on keeping the "magic" alive with santa.. loose that magic the fastest when their child grows up.

They sometimes end up with exactly the opposite of what they want. They tie up so much of Christmas magic with Santa, and push so hard that he is real.. that when he isn't, the child really feels like the magic is gone. That loss of magic combined with teenagerhood = lack of Christmas spirit.

But the families who did santa, but never "religiously" pushed him as 100% fact, no doubt allowed.. those kids gradually find magic and enjoyment in other parts of Christmas. it doesn't stay all "SANTA!" and by the time they know santa isn't 100% real, it doesn't matter. the love of Christmas (not the love of santa + presents) has been built up.

Huge generalizations, but it is just what I've seen.

I’m sure kids aren’t still believing Santa at 12-13

Same here. I’ve never understood this push to have some big reveal and discussion about the ‘truth’. I always just said to mine that some people don’t believe and that’s okay but I do. They’ve never felt lied to (teen and early 20s) they just go along with it. It keeps Christmas really special, even now they’re way beyond the believing stage!

I think a big part of it is the embarrassment of feeling like you're the last one to know or feeling silly for having believed.

I heard one family member talking to their child who found out last year and the child sounded embarrassed. I think it's because the parent was like "awwww no you've figured out our secret. Ha ha you used to come running downstairs looking up the chimney for him - it was so cute. Guess what? The snow footprints were just your dad's work boots. Who used to eat the mince pies? We did of course! Why do you think Dad always suggested the chocolate cookies?"

That whole tone - it wasn't quite mocking but to a sensitive child I think it could feel like a prank that's been played on them for all these years and now they feel silly.

Personally I think the best way to deal with it is talk as if the actual truth isn't a big deal at all. Like Santa isn't a man who comes to the houses but he's kind of real because he's a story we all share and get excited by. The magic of Santa is just everyone joining in to make the magic happen and that's still really fun too.

I'd talk about how even when you grow up, and realise Santa isn't literally a man with reindeer, it gets to be a different kind of fun because now you're part of making the magic.

I'd be careful not to talk as if they're now wise and enlightened unlike the silly children who still believe. I'd go with more of a "hmm how much of this carrot do you think I should bite? Just the end? More? Ok. Shall we put some crumbs down here so it's like Santa's been messy? I think that might make Olivia laugh, yeah. Thanks for helping me. It's so fun doing this together now." - Obviously harder if there's no younger siblings.

Don’t tell. He’s too young and will ruin it for others. Which is categorically unfair and not your business to facilitate.
It’s not lying - it’s making magical stories.

My Mum told me if I stopped believing he would stop coming!

I'm 58 and still believe!

As mine grew older I started to drop hints.

I talked about the story of Christopher Kringle, and about how christmas was about making other people happy and passing legends and traditions onto the next generation. Like how decorating tree was originally a pagan ceremony to help beat back the dark, and leaving food out for reindeer and santa was very much like leaving food out for the house spirits.

I slowly morphed that into, actually, as we become older, we all become Santa Claus for those we love. And got them to start thinking about what things they would buy each other/friends/family.

I say things like ‘some people believe x, y and z’ rather than ‘its true’

Never told them Santa was real.
Any presents we give are from love without any stipulations

It’s not a lie, it’s a traditional myth. You mustn’t say it out loud, you just say things like “He’d better be real or we’ll have very empty stockings this Christmas!” etc. in light hearted ways.

This, can't remember any questions there was belief then no belief but we all still play along no big dramatic realisation

I’ve always said he’s a lovely story. Somehow my youngest has heard “yes Santa is real and you’re his helpers” and was very upset last week when I reiterated he’s a lovely story. Which is why I never wanted Santa. But here we are. So I will keep saying he is a lovely story and one day you’ll be his helper

Whenever they asked we said “if you believe then it’s true for you”. Our 8 year old has just told us he doesn’t believe anymore while our 10 year old is still hedging her bets 😂 We’ve also always done it so that the “big” present is from us not Santa - someone suggested this to me before I had kids as a great way of helping the kids understand budget constraints and why some kids get super expensive presents and others don’t… not sure if it’s too late for you to start trying that? I also found sharing the real story of Saint Nicholas helped our kids to understand that he was a real person who did amazing things for others so the magic can be kept alive through that?

DS had worked it out by age 5 but admitted that he thought that we would stop organised MH parents from Father Christmas if he let on he knew. He did ask us some very strange questions, like how did FC get in our house without a chimney. We claimed that he came through the dog flap. He tied us up in real knots at times.
I did have to make him promise that he wouldn’t tell anyone at school or his cousins. Fortunately he thought it was funny that some of his friends had not worked it out. Even now he still likes to secretly hunt for hidden pressies and was indignant last year when we had agreed to no gifts because he wanted a new games console ( he’s 21).

A few posters above have exactly explained the problem - it should always be treated as a fun myth.. that doesn't mean you tell them he isn't real, but that you tell them he is "real" in a story-like, wink-wink, playful tone, type of way.

The parents who have a problem with their children "realizing" are the ones who make sure that their child absolutely believes 100%.

Why is my child so shocked? All I did was give them absolutely serious and straight answers that he is 100% real for their entire life... never let them have any doubt, make sure my secret was perfectly kept, and actively trick them with things like fake snow, glimpses, bells etc.

If you don't make it into a 100% full-proof narrative, kids gradually figure out, and there is never the "realization" moment.. they hear things, see things, use their critical thinking. They can read adults better and know when an adult is playing along or joking with them, they accidentally see a gift, or hear a mention on TV etc. and it all happens gradually.

It is a family story, so no need to stop after the realization. You just keep all "playing along" because that is all it ever was, playing.