An inheritance one with NC/LC sibling

[Contrarianate]

My DM and one of my siblings are NC after a row culminating a few years ago in a court case over property.

Ultimately both sides got their fair share though sibling had wanted all of it.

Sibling behaved outrageously and illegally and tried to rip DM off after DF died which led to a scramble for lawyers and legal action at the worst possible time.

DM has redrawn her will to leave NC sibling out with whatever may be left after possible care home fees to me and other sibling.

Sibling is angry about childhood and believes parents were neglectful. Other sibling and I think parents were very far from perfect but believe NC sibling has acted wildly disproportionately.

I can never fully trust them again (don’t want to be too outing but they really compounded the grief for everyone). Rest of family NC. Sibling trying to be LC with me but I feel very uneasy around them so minimise it to once or twice a year. Sibling still believes they’ve done nothing wrong despite legal verdict.

My dilemma is when DM dies, do I honour her wishes over the estate? When do I even tell sibling who is totally estranged from her and rest of family? They would not be welcome
at a funeral.

I have suggested to DM to leave something in her will - what would have been sibling’s share to sibling’s DC instead but DM’s view is that DGC are grown up and have never made any effort to be in touch or thank her for gifts she’s continued to send (but has stopped now).

I have always been the peacemaker but I cannot see a way to broker a deal here where everyone is happy and I cannot even see what the right thing to do would be.

Your DM needs to make a will with a solicitor not an at home one outlining her wishes. She should not involve you at this stage and it can be read following her death.

It is her estate, she gets to choose. You can't, nor should you, decide. You are all grown ups with independent thoughts and minds.

But you need to stay out of it, for your own sake. There is nothing like big life events to bring out the best or worst in people and you don't need the aggravation of having to deal with your own feelings towards your siblings when your DM goes. Ask her to organise it (even offer to book the appointment if needed) but steer well clear. That way you can honestly say you don't know when the time comes.

So sorry this is happening. We have something similar and it is grim. The only way to play is completely straight down the line. (And by the way I am the one who went NC with my M through my own personal choice and I would still allow M to make up her own mind).

I think you should absolutely follow your mother's wishes. Your sibling sounds awful. Why does he think he's done nothing wrong?

I’m sorry to hear about your situation @Lastknownaddress . She is/has done it with a solicitor and has even written a letter disinheriting sibling and outlined why apparently. I’ve had nothing to do with it. Despite sibling’s cruelty, I gently tried to talk DM out of that but to no avail. I guess I’m asking whether the ethical thing to do is give sibling half of my share if there is anything by the time my mother dies. And yes I know that’s up to me but part of me thinks sibling’s hatred is so visceral and it’s against my mother’s wishes. The other part thinks it’s sad to leave out anyone you had responsibility for once upon a time.

@Willowcat77 We have tried to work out if sibling has mental health issues as sometimes their grip on reality is so different. I don’t want to be too outing but other sibling of near same age was around at time that certain events or ‘slights’ occurred and has a very different memory. Sibling has had years of therapy and is probably on the stately homes thread accusing us all of minimising! We are not I don’t think but we have cut our parents more slack and can’t hold them up to 21st century gold-plated standards. DM’s lawyer wanted to put sibling up on elder abuse charges!

If you fight with your parents so hard for money that you go to court and lose, it surely can't be a surprise if they disinherit you?

It's the definition of Fuck Around and Find Out.

Why are you so determined to be a peace maker (and disadvantage yourself and your own family) to someone you don't even like?

From what I understand you don't have any choice as to whether you decide to 'honour her wishes'. The executor of the will has to ensure that the estate is shared out as per the will.

If you and any/or the other beneficiaries choose to give money to the 'disinherited sibling' that is up to you but only after the estate has been distributed amongst the beneficiaries as per its terms.

You cannot unilaterally change the terms of your mother's will after she dies unless you and the other beneficiaries apply for a deed of variation.

Hope that helps!

It’s not your fight. It’s not your money. Your sibling has made their bed. I think you’d be doing your mother a massive disservice if you were to give money to your sibling in this circumstance.

@Contrarianate ah ok. So in my case NC is driven by long standing issues with M. Was the best thing I could for my family and not driven by a desire to be mean (although I suspect M has told sob stories over the years as the rest of the family hates me). I am an only child so not having to consider the whole split of assets thing and in practice there will be nothing of note left after care costs.

But. I would try and not sweat it yet. Your DM is still around and see how you feel afterwards. There is no pressure on you to split the inheritance, and I think you should honour your DMs wishes. Whatever happened to instigate and maintain the NC is a bit of a moot point in many ways. Adults get free choice to behave however they want, to stop NC, to forgive or maintain it. They get to choose how they want their assets dispersed following their death. It is your DMs choice. How your sibling chooses to handle that is their choice. You need to grey rock and leave it.

FWIW I don't want any inheritance. I could do with it. But I don't want it. If there is anything left it will go to my DC and charities that so desperately need it.

You don't need to justify or defend any of your choices, now or in the future. It is not really an ethical issue, but you might want to think through what you really get from maintaining a relationship with the sibling in question if it is causing you this much stress.

I wonder OP if you need some counselling to go over what’s happened on your family? You seam to want to solve the problems which aren’t yours.

I don't see the dilemma, ethical or other.

Your DM may have some money to leave. She has decided who she wants to leave it to.

That's literally it. None of the rest of it is your concern. Your relationship with your mother is completely separate from each of your siblings' relationships with her - and, frankly, none of your business.

Don't interfere. It would be disrespectful to your mother, your other sibling and would just be meddling.

It’s complicated @AnnaMagnani . I always see all sides of an argument. I can acknowledge parents were far from perfect and can see some of sibling’s issues stem from them but I believe the way they acted was outrageous. I don’t dislike sibling - I loved them for many years and still do to a point and they were kind to me for decades. They changed when they hit a midlife crisis though so now I’m a bit scared of them and what they will do. It’s hard to explain - I love my sibling but I don’t like their behaviour and don’t trust them and want to protect my family from their influence.

Children can be treated very differently by dysfunctional parents. Just because your experience was different, doesn't invalidate how your NC sibling feels.

That said, I agree with others that you should take a step back. It's not 'peacemaking' to try and manage your siblings reaction to being disinherited and will just cause extra stress for you while achieving nothing.

All I will say is : my mother treats her children very differently, and very differently depending upon her audience, she denies reality and can be extremely abusive, even though she cones across as kind and caring. She has extreme manipulation tactics and engages in triangulation.

Different siblings can hold dramatically different views.

Regardless of the above : it would be elder abuse of you to try to manipulate how your mother chooses to leave her property. Your mother does sound mean spirited too. Your suggestion of leaving to the grandchildren is fair, but has fallen on deaf ears. There is not much you can do, you do not need to control this situation.

I would back off.

The more I read about your sibling the more obvious it is that you should follow your mum's instructions to the letter. I am edging towards a similar situation with my brother so your post resonates. My brother has been dishonest and downright cruel to my elderly mum and is totally re-writing history to justify his callousness. As your mum gets older and frailer you will be the one supporting her whilst selfish sibling does fuck all. He totally deserves to be written out of any inheritance.

Your mother has made a will expressing HER wishes.
Its not up to you to decide.

You’re right @hoodiemassive . I know by disputing their version it’s invalidating it and their experience. But sinking has always had a weird perspective eg misremembering uncontroversial events or arguing the grass is red when it’s green etc.

The NC sibling was probably the one treated most favourably actually.

The person who suggested counselling is probably right but I fear becoming bogged down in it the way sibling did. I think their therapist/s have given sibling the succour to act out the way they did. Or more likely this is how sibling has I interpreted it.

There is no dilemma - it's your Mum's stuff, she has every right to dispose of it as she sees fit. You would be disrespecting her by trying to overturn what she wants doing with her money.

I agree with @CreationNat1on that my mother is being mean-spirited to the GC. They’re well into their 20s now but they have been poisoned against their DGP by their parents and would probably not go against their wishes. I know DM is sad about the lack of relationship with them too but fails to see she has been an adult for their whole lifetimes and should behave like one.

I would never force the issue about inheritance. I did make suggestions but respect her wishes. It’s more about what do with my share once it’s been handed out (assuming there is any) rather than trying to force a legal change now.

Without wishing to be too outing DM lives in a place where DCs can legally challenge any disinheritance moves though sibling lives in a place where DC can be cut out easily and legally.

Counselling can help people reframe past experiences, not create new ones.

Whatever your sibling learnt about their self during therapy, your experience would be different I'm sure.

You have made a couple of references to a 'not great' childhood - maybe it might help you to explore that a little?

I am one of four siblings - 2 are NC and one is like our Mother and terrifying, while the other is a good person trying to cope with a 'not great' childhood. The latter was considered a favourite but that was largely because she just did what was demanded of her until therapy made her realise how damaging her childhood had been.

As you have found, families can be so bloody complicated, nothing is clear cut, but each individual must do what's right for them. Therapy can support you in finding out what works best for you.

I don't agree with this as a hard and fast rule.

My father left everything to my brother in his will (not a lot to leave anyway, about 40k) and he shared it with my sister and I.
I very much hope it would have pissed Dad off.

You initially disperse your mums money and belongings as per her will. End of.

As to whether you give any of your share to your sibling, you decide if and when you’re in that situation. A lot could happen between now and then, you may be completely NC by then, there might not even be anything to share.

Seems that you’re tying yourself up in knots now over something that may not even end up being an issue.

You must do what your Mum wants when the time comes

If I thought anyone was going to piss about with my Will I’d be beyond furious

I would stay right out of it - this situation is not of your making, it's out of your control and it's not for you to step into the fray and give yourself sleepless nights over it. If you do inherit from your DM it will become your money to do what you like with, and any gifts you make or don't make after that will be up to you. You wouldn't be betraying your DM if you gave some to her estranged family - her message will have been sent loud and clear. Don't worry about it now, OP.

Parking the estate (sounds laughable as will be tiny) to one side, what do I do in terms of breaking the news when DM dies? Do I tell sibling immediately? I don’t want them messing about with funeral or plans or trying to distract with their unresolved issues and dramas. Do I wait until after the funeral is over or tell them in the run up?

Tell them immediately, it is not for you to police the family. Would therapy help to unpick these control issues.

Sibling would be deeply hurt by you controlling all the information. The no contact sibling also only has one mother, respect her right to grieve her mother, she may need closure via the funeral.