An inheritance one with NC/LC sibling

[Contrarianate]

My DM and one of my siblings are NC after a row culminating a few years ago in a court case over property.

Ultimately both sides got their fair share though sibling had wanted all of it.

Sibling behaved outrageously and illegally and tried to rip DM off after DF died which led to a scramble for lawyers and legal action at the worst possible time.

DM has redrawn her will to leave NC sibling out with whatever may be left after possible care home fees to me and other sibling.

Sibling is angry about childhood and believes parents were neglectful. Other sibling and I think parents were very far from perfect but believe NC sibling has acted wildly disproportionately.

I can never fully trust them again (don’t want to be too outing but they really compounded the grief for everyone). Rest of family NC. Sibling trying to be LC with me but I feel very uneasy around them so minimise it to once or twice a year. Sibling still believes they’ve done nothing wrong despite legal verdict.

My dilemma is when DM dies, do I honour her wishes over the estate? When do I even tell sibling who is totally estranged from her and rest of family? They would not be welcome
at a funeral.

I have suggested to DM to leave something in her will - what would have been sibling’s share to sibling’s DC instead but DM’s view is that DGC are grown up and have never made any effort to be in touch or thank her for gifts she’s continued to send (but has stopped now).

I have always been the peacemaker but I cannot see a way to broker a deal here where everyone is happy and I cannot even see what the right thing to do would be.

This.

Surely your sibling isn't expecting an inheritance?

You surely don't think you can gatekeep that information? Whatever the relationship, it's absolutely NOT your right to withhold new of your sibling's mother's death from them. The only way this would be acceptable is if that sibling had asked you not to tell them.

The more you go on, the more I think you've inserted yourself somewhere you don't belong.

Tell them straight away. Don't try to control the situation re timing the revelation - this isn't your argument so don't step into it.

I think you need to inform your sibling when your DM dies. Starting to to think about when is the 'right time' to tell them overcomplicates things places an unnecessary burden on you.

with respect, why would you try to talk your mother out of making her own decision? She is legally entitled to do what she wants with her assets, and the sibling clearly acted appallingly.

Keep out of it, and when the time comes, keep to your mother's wishes.

Don’t dislike him enough to not take his money though?

OP - where in the family do you come, are you the eldest?

You can't gatekeep your mother's decisions.

You can't gatekeep your siblings reactions.

If the inheritance will be small and if it makes little practical impact on your life, then it would be kind of you to divide out your portion. If it's small then the gesture will be tokenestic and possibly won't stir up too much dusgruntlement from anyone else.

I know when my ex H's estranged father died, ex H s cousin started making suggestions about what he could do with his small inheritance, could leave some to the carer (carer received care allowance). I really felt this "kind" interfering soul needed to respect boundaries a little more. Interfering busy body, to be honest.

There seems to be a pair of them in it. The mother and sibling. It's a pity. Treat them both with respect, don't gatekeep. Accept you can't control any of them.

It was owed to me 🤷‍♀️. 15 years.of unpaid child support, birthday and Christmas presents. He owed me much more than I got.
But the best thing was how much he would have hated it. He thought we'd fight over it, we didn't. We laughed at him and shared it.

I would rather burn it tbh than have it in your case

That's your uncles choice.
Your dads will was dispersed in line with his wishes - which is legally the whole point of a will.

Honestly @Contrarianate I think you need to speak to a counsellor and work out your own feelings on this. We can't tell you what to do re: the funeral. The whole things sounds desperately sad. Family dynamics are so hard to navigate when there is such a high level of tension.

Equally you can ask your DM to decide what is/isn't told to your sibling. Her funeral. Her wishes. Make sure it is in the letter to the sibling though, so it doesn't reflect back on you.

I do say this with the utmost kindness though. You need to take a step back. You are currently caught up as the rescuer in the Karpman drama triangle (Google it) and may end up the victim. Leave it with your DM to sort. It is not your responsibility and worry about the rest when it happens.

I dont have an uncle.

Why? I really enjoyed spending that money on all the things he didn't value. Like myself, and my children.

Sometimes you have to go NC for your own MH and when giving up your obligations you also lose your rights.
If your DM wants to leave your sibling out of her will she has every right to, its best she get a solicitor to advise on the best way of doing that.
When your Mum dies it will be up to the beneficiaries of the will to give their sibling something if they want to.
No point in getting involved now while your Mum is still alive as there is no inheritence yet and whatever your opinions they have every right to be NC

I just wouldn’t want to give anyone a reason to say he’s helped in anyway when all your life he’s been crap

Just an update: Met with sibling recently with family. Not with DM obviously! They spat out something spiteful about being made to support DPs while supporting own family. Not quite accurate. They meant they felt forced to leave deposit in capital growing property rather than renting out property for market rent to people other than DPs. Sibling then said something about ‘I suppose she may not leave me anything’ about DM when she dies. I think sibling is in for a shock and/or will try to emotionally blackmail me to hand over sizable chunk when the inevitable happens…They’re still dropping poison about my DM to other relatives including my DC so for that reason I will maintain contact at zero to low level…

I've helped organise a funeral without inviting unwelcome relatives - there were no death notices, nothing on social media, a quick funeral and on the day of the funeral a letter was sent saying "deceased requested that you were notified after the funeral had taken place." Didn't go down well but it was a relief knowing there wasn't going to be drama on the day.

It’s not your decision to make and I don’t understand why you think it is

Hmm it’s tricky @MyPresumablyScrotum as advice above seems to be that sibling is entitled to know and should be told when DM dies and should have the option of attending the funeral.

@Whiteflowerscreed I know it’s not my option to change the will as it’s not my will. But I was trying to reflect the pressure I will be put under. Problem is sibling is in complete denial of the maths - who put what into the property over time. This is despite DM thanks to her immaculate record keeping being able to prove what had and hadn’t been provided. Sibling had wanted others to pay for the property without putting anyone else on the deeds or reallocating any shares or ownership. They said it should be something we just did to support DP as sibling had ‘had enough’. At the time, I was on a very very low income and had no means to buy sibling out anyway. But certainly wouldn’t have contributed to sibling’s investment without a contract which is what they expected.

Nearly correct but the Deed of Variation is done prior to distribution by the executor and if is only the OP's share that is beibg varied then it is only she and not other beneficiaries that needs to agree to it.

So OP yes if you want to give part of your share to your sibling you can do so most efficiently by a Deed of Variation.

I am also a sibling that experienced a vastly different childhood to my sister who is inky 2 years younger. I have had my experiences dismissed and minimised by a sibling simply because they can't accept my experience is different to hers. Try not to minimise what her childhood experience was to justify any decision you take.

Perhaps your mum can preplan her funeral so that when it eventually happens you notify the sibling that mum has died, that mum planned her own funeral and we will let you know the date when arranged.

In your first sentences you say "after a row culminating a few years ago in a court case over property. Ultimately both sides got their fair share though sibling had wanted all of it."

Are you saying this sibling has already received something? Did you or the other sibling get anything at that time? If they've received something and you've not, then why would you feel you have to give them some of your share?

No the asset was not mine to claim. Sibling insisted on selling DPs’ home that they had share in on death of one parent. DM agreed but wanted no more than six months to find alternative accommodation and spruce up the property. In fact sibling put property on market and removed all DM belongings into storage while DM was away. Weeks after DF’s death. Put the house on market. Luckily DM was alerted and had to start proceedings to halt the sale until the divvying up was agreed by a court. All this while grieving death of partner of half a century.

This

Other sibling was there throughout the events. Partner and I have always puzzled over estranged siblings grasp of other things eg if grass is green, they would see it as blue. They have always just twisted even non-controversial things and had an odd perspective on issues. They are particularly blind about anything to do with money. Cry poverty all the time yet upgrade car and have luxury holidays. Of course very entitled to do this - it’s their choice - but seems very tone deaf to cry poverty at the same time. They hate migrants including people from their own culture yet don’t see how hypocritical they are.