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Ethical dilemmas

Compliment from DH's friend

46 replies

AdjectiveNoun · 15/12/2024 23:02

Man in question is father of DD's best friend. He is married. He and my DH get on well and socialise occasionally, while all four of us are part of a loose social circle of about 5 couples with kids in same class. I don't consider myself a friend of his wife, though we are friendly, and I probably get on better with him.

I've known him for about four years and he's never been even slightly inappropriate. He's always nice and polite, shows interest but isn't overfamiliar etc etc.

Over the weekend, we were both at a party for a mutual friend. My DH was also there. His wife wasn't. The three of us spent quite a long time talking about various things. This is fairly normal and I didn't think anything of it.

The following day, his DD had stayed over at ours and he came to collect her on his own. My DH wasn't around. We chatted for a bit while waiting for the kids who, as usual, were dragging their feet. Then he said it...

"I just wanted to say you looked beautiful last night,"

I just smiled thanked him. I think that alone might have been alright, but then he said

"Like really beautiful. I've just been thinking about you non-stop."

I think I just made a joke about DH and then shouted the girls to hurry up.

For complete context, there probably is some chemistry between us and probably some mutual attraction but I'd never do anything and, up to that point, neither of us had ever even really flirted with the other. As to how I actually feel about it, I'd probably more err towards being flattered rather than being creeped out.

My dilemma is what I should do. I don't really want to say anything to DH or his wife, but I also don't necessarily want us to have this sort of "secret" between us. I think the answer is that I probably need to tell him he can't say anything like that again, but even that feels a bit of an overreaction to (what is currently) an isolated incident. Interested to see what objective people think.

OP posts:
DazedAndConfused321 · 15/12/2024 23:03

Stop creating chemistry with him, don't be alone with him, think of your husband!

wizzywig · 15/12/2024 23:07

Did you like him saying it?

Circumferences · 15/12/2024 23:09

Well, he's raging for an affair.
It's not an "ethical dilemma" at all for you, you aren't a creep!

User364837 · 15/12/2024 23:10

I know you don’t want to make it a “thing” but the problem is that if you don’t and you just kind of accept it, he will think you’re ok with that boundary and try and push another one,

i think the best way to break the “our little secret” spell is to tell your DH even if you’re a big vague and play it down.

AdjectiveNoun · 15/12/2024 23:12

The dilemma is whether I tell either of our partners, or tell him not to say similar things again, or just leave it while it's a one-off! Definitely not whether I have an affair! 😂

OP posts:
sprigatito · 15/12/2024 23:13

I would have told my DH immediately. I wouldn't let anyone put me in a position where I had to compromise the trust between us, if McCreepy doesn't enjoy the consequences that's entirely on him.

MrsPeterHarris · 15/12/2024 23:15

I agree with @sprigatito - I don't even see how this is a dilemma unless you do want to keep your options open with him.

Ja428 · 15/12/2024 23:16

He’s made an advance and you’ve brushed it off. Hopefully he will realise that his advance was not welcome.

I would do nothing at this stage.

Codlingmoths · 15/12/2024 23:16

I’d tell my dh- x is clearly keen on me so while I think he’s a nice guy I’d like to avoid one on one time and just stay politely friendly as obviously I’m not keen on him like that! (Whether or not you are)

lucya66 · 15/12/2024 23:27

That thing you said the other day about me looking beautiful - i’ve reflected and find it a bit inappropriate. please don’t say anything like that to me again. It made me uncomfortable.

QueenCamilla · 15/12/2024 23:34

I wouldn't say anything, just cool it and be more aloof with him. There's too much potential for varied kinds of ugly drama, over something that is very likely to fade away into oblivion.

Now, if he does persist and try to change the tone of your friendship again - I would first tell him that his comments are too familiar and unwelcome.

Then, and only then, if he won't snap out of it, would I tell everyone, his wife included.

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/12/2024 23:37

I wouldn’t say anything at this point. I would make sure I wasn’t alone with him though. If anything got said again, I’d tell my partner I think.

AdjectiveNoun · 15/12/2024 23:49

Thanks everyone! I think QueenCamillas escalation timeline is the kind of advice I'd give to another person in same situation. Intuitively makes the most sense to me.

While the drama would be entirely his fault, the consequences would not just be his to bear. It feels like quite a thing to unleash over something while it is (and only while it is) a "one-off".

OP posts:
unclemtty · 16/12/2024 01:31

I wonder how many times he's done this over the years and how many times it's worked?

I wouldn't feed his ego by giving it any thought, he's just a creep, loads about.

Thevelvelletes · 16/12/2024 02:35

Oh he's most definitely used that line before.creepy fucker.

BobbyBiscuits · 16/12/2024 02:41

Just ignore it. Stop flirting, only see him or talk to them about the kids, if at all.
Absence makes the heart go yonder. Or something?
Just don't think about him. He is trying it on and he's married and it's grim. Nothing good will come of even vaguely reciprocating.

honestasever · 16/12/2024 02:50

I think you’re flattered

Enjoy that feeling and ignore it. Don’t do anything.
I would come up with a few polite but clear response lines so you’re armed and prepared when it happens again. I suspect it will tbh

Topseyt123 · 16/12/2024 03:06

I'd tell him bluntly that his comments when collecting his daughter made me uncomfortable and were inappropriate, and not to do it again or I would tell everyone.

Edingril · 16/12/2024 03:09

This is blunt

Act your age and stop attention seeking stay away from him and focus on your life

TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow · 16/12/2024 09:33

sprigatito · 15/12/2024 23:13

I would have told my DH immediately. I wouldn't let anyone put me in a position where I had to compromise the trust between us, if McCreepy doesn't enjoy the consequences that's entirely on him.

This is the exact response to have.

FuckItItsFine · 16/12/2024 09:35

Total ick. I would have told DH immediately as we don’t keep secrets.

NikNak321 · 19/12/2024 19:14

I think in your shoes I would just tell him it's not welcomed and that your happy in your current situation. I would not mention it to respective partners etc. If you took that route it would likely blow out of all proportion, shut down the harmony in the friendship circle and possibly interfere with your respective children's relationship. And sometimes even though you are not to blame the chips do not fall in your favour. I would be diplomatic with him, even friendly; but be clear...you are not interested 👌. Hopefully you can then move on and be as before with effective damage control. If it persists though you need to re-evaluate the above and speak with your partner I reckon👌

Kim5678 · 19/12/2024 19:43

I would do what QueenCamilla said along with generally hanging out less and making any one on one contact very brief. I don’t keep secrets from my partner but I would see this as a one-off ill-judged comment due to some kind of personal or marriage difficulties this guy is having. If it happened again I would definitely tell him it’s unwelcome, remind him he’s married and tell my DH. Once is a mistake but any more would make me question his character and I assume DH would not wish to carry on a friendship. It does complicate things that your DDs are friends though

Sassybooklover · 19/12/2024 19:52

You politely thanked him for the compliment - and then he followed it up with a comment, that leaves you in no doubt of his intentions towards you. Your reaction to the second comment, by mentioning your husband and shouting for the children, should, in theory have told him, that you aren't comfortable. You have two choices - either tell him very firmly that his comment was inappropriate and he should in future keep his thoughts to himself or ignore it - if he said something similar again, then you firmly put him in his place. How would your husband react? Is he the type to go mental, storm around to this man's house and cause a scene? Or would he be calm but file it away for future reference. I don't think I would tell his wife, especially if you speak to him directly, unless he tried it again. Just because we are married, doesn't stop us from finding someone else attractive, it's human nature. It becomes an issue when it stops being a passing thought of 'he's a very attractive man' to flirting and openly letting the other person know you fancy them. You admit there is chemistry and you find him attractive - I'm sure you were probably flattered by the comment. You are in the 'danger zone'!! Make sure you aren't alone with this man, only engage in a group setting etc.

momager1 · 19/12/2024 19:59

@AdjectiveNoun I think I would reply,,, "look dave, I am going to forget about what you said to me, THIS TIME. I would not like to hurt your wife or get my husband angry, nor our kids have issues. If you do that again I am absolutely telling my husband and your wife. I love my husband and have no intention of any kind of a relationship with another man. Can we leave this in the past and move forward? " send in a text so you always have proof. Fucking predator.

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