Compliment from DH's friend

[AdjectiveNoun]

Man in question is father of DD's best friend. He is married. He and my DH get on well and socialise occasionally, while all four of us are part of a loose social circle of about 5 couples with kids in same class. I don't consider myself a friend of his wife, though we are friendly, and I probably get on better with him.

I've known him for about four years and he's never been even slightly inappropriate. He's always nice and polite, shows interest but isn't overfamiliar etc etc.

Over the weekend, we were both at a party for a mutual friend. My DH was also there. His wife wasn't. The three of us spent quite a long time talking about various things. This is fairly normal and I didn't think anything of it.

The following day, his DD had stayed over at ours and he came to collect her on his own. My DH wasn't around. We chatted for a bit while waiting for the kids who, as usual, were dragging their feet. Then he said it...

"I just wanted to say you looked beautiful last night,"

I just smiled thanked him. I think that alone might have been alright, but then he said

"Like really beautiful. I've just been thinking about you non-stop."

I think I just made a joke about DH and then shouted the girls to hurry up.

For complete context, there probably is some chemistry between us and probably some mutual attraction but I'd never do anything and, up to that point, neither of us had ever even really flirted with the other. As to how I actually feel about it, I'd probably more err towards being flattered rather than being creeped out.

My dilemma is what I should do. I don't really want to say anything to DH or his wife, but I also don't necessarily want us to have this sort of "secret" between us. I think the answer is that I probably need to tell him he can't say anything like that again, but even that feels a bit of an overreaction to (what is currently) an isolated incident. Interested to see what objective people think.

If he tries it again I suggest
“Mr AdjectiveNoun will be super bummed I’m the one getting the compliments when he put so much effort into his outfit’’

I would tell my husband sooner rather than later. Tell him you were flattered at this other man’s first compliment but that his second made you feel uncomfortable. That reassures your husband that while you enjoyed that bit of attention (we all like a harmless compliment about our looks, especially if from someone attractive) you are very clearly not interested in anything happening with this other man, even just a bit of flirting. If this escalates at all and you have to go back to explain to your husband how it started, it won’t look good for you that you kept this incident a secret. Also - wouldn’t you be pissed off if another woman did something similar to your husband and he didn’t tell you? Especially when you’ll all continue spending time together

Disagree that he is a predator. Op talks about “chemistry” between them and “mutual attraction” and being “flattered” by his comment. He’s not an idiot, he too will have felt this “mutual attraction” so he’s chancing his arm. He is a pig obviously, but op is playing with fire. This kind of “secret crush” bollocks is only going to end one way and the best response to this kind of rubbish from any man is “ really? I’ve never felt that way about you” and move on. Clear, with no ambiguity. Unless of course op wants to blow up her life? If so, crack on.

ok.. I will agree, predator is not the word. I just get so angry at men that do this, but you are right, OP said "chemistry" was there, so, yes she fed into it, and should have shut it down instantly. This could be a shit show waiting to happen, or OP can give her head a shake and shut him down everytime..but I still think if he persists , she needs to AT least, tell her husband

Maybe that should have been said at the time?

Perhaps you could set a boundary and tell him never to cross it. Even innuendos are dangerous.

Omg I wish someone would say that to me 🤣🤣

Smooth.
He purposefully chose that location and time in my opinion.
His DD friend's mum.
In your own home and not on mutual ground.

He's quite disrespectful to his DD who could have over heard or your children for that matter.

He's quite groomy in his choices I think. You see each other in various social gatherings but he chose your home. He's also sussed out your DH as not being a threat at that time.

Another angle is that if he wanted a quiet affair that wouldn't affect his family's lives too much, he'd have looked else where/out of his DD friendship group. But he chose to sh*t on his own doorstep. This means that if an affair had started, he would destroy your DD relationship with her friends (so no one to confide in, or maybe he could convince them they could be sisters?!) Your home would need to be sold, can't see your DD friend's without being the villan...

... can you see how he's been strategic in his choices?

For complete context, there probably is some chemistry between us and probably some mutual attraction

shut it down and move on the fact you used the word mutual does indicate this isn’t all one sided but he’s close to crossing a line

I wouldn't say anything, especially not to your DH! It will just create upset and jealousy, and it may end up affecting your DDs friendship.

I mean, if your DDs stay friends then it's not going to be straightforward to simply avoid seeing him completely. A compliment can't cause any harm if you don't respond to it.

I’d do and say nothing as you said it’s an isolated incident. But if he happens again I would just say it right then to him “thank you but I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to speak to me this way” that should stop him

He's just testing the waters to see whether you're up for it. If you don't respond in the way he hopes then he'll just give up. There really isn't a need to make a big drama and start telling people.

It would just make a nasty atmosphere for your DDs

I would definitely tell your partner. He was fishing to see if the attraction was reciprocal and if he proceeds to push boundaries, it'll be hard to tell your husband it's happened before. I'd be completely upfront with him and garner your husband's input as to whether to proceed. I know I'd be upset if my partner didn't tell me someone was hitting on him and we proceeded to continue to hang out while being oblivious to it.

Oh who cares. It was broad daylight with your kids upstairs. You're hardly going to go at it against the cooker are you.

Had similar once, a school dad said 'have you taken up running, you look great' at pick up time. He wouldn't have said that if either of our spouses had been present but so what, it's a harmless compliment. I still remember it fondly 😊

As you say, the first comment would have been alright but the second one crossed the appropriate line! I would have felt awkward, and it would have showed. Sounds like it did for you too and hopefully he realised he crossed that line. If his wife had something similar to your husband, would you want to know? I would tell my husband without doubt, and I think (hope) he would tell me too. I agree with a PP that probably best not to spend any alone time with him and be extra careful that you’re not leading him on in any way

Tell your husband AND tell the other guy to back off AND distance yourself from him

Your poor husband. This is his friend. And his wife.

You know what to do.

Exactly. Take it as a compliment and move on.

I'd tell your husband to be honest. Not really just for ethical reasons but just to protect myself if anything escalates. Like if he started messaging you, or your husband notices a funny atmosphere, or if he starts googling you on social media a lot and his wife sees his search history and then says something about it. It's a lot easier if you can say to your husband ' see I told you he was starting to get a bit creepy' rather than 'oh yes he has said some stuff before but I didn't tell you' or worse, have to try and convince him that you haven't been secretly encouraging something if its clear its not a one off.

If it was a mutual friend of yours that was coming onto your husband, what would want him to do? Surely you'd rather know that she was a snake before you did something that might make things more awkward like invite them to a weekend trip or something

First and foremost I'd be thinking of your husband. I suppose the real question is would your husband be angry or hurt if he heard from someone else that his friend said that to you and you didn't tell him? That's where your answer lies.

This wasn't just a nice comment, if it was he'd have said it at the party in front of people. The only reason you'd say that to someone is to express and show your interest and test the waters.