Will not drive

[ThreeLittleMonkies]

There was a long thread on this before, but no recent posts. My story is similar and I just do not know what to do. Im pregnant with child no 3. I work 2 jobs. My husband is a good man who contributes hugely at home with everything except he does not drive. He promised he would for 8 years, and I paid for 2 courses he barely started. He suffers with clinical depression but on discussion cannot ever say its this or anything specific that stops him learning. He has not managed to find work for many years and has really tried (we live abroad and there's a language barrier he is trying to overcome) but most jobs here ask for a licence. Its coming to blows again, largely as Im just not sure how I can ferry 3 children around and work. E.g My youngest just started football and the matches at weekends clash. He finally said today, I need to consider he will never learn and if I don't want to be with him thats my choice. Im going from defiant, to teary to just too exhausted to think straight. He is not lazy, he works tirelessly in the house and the garden (we grow a lot of our own food), and he does love our family as best as anyone with depression can express consistently. I cant answer his question, I feel I am stuck and have no real choices. Life would be harder without him, and its not about me anyway, its about the children. I was going to do a poll but im not even sure what im asking.

when you say drive does that also include/exclude an e-bike?
congratulations on your pregnancy but was it a wise choice to expand the family (depression, language barrier, no assistance with commuting)?

He is an avid sportsman, its a huge part of his coping mechanism with his depression. He can on some routes take the children on bikes which is great health wise for all, but recently had an accident which prevented this for a few months and we are still having some rehabilitation for injuries. For the 3rd child It was not a wise choice, and one I question of course / beat myself up about often re. impact of our 2 current children and my ability to provide time and resources for all. However, it was also not exactly planned and at this stage of my life not something I could bring myself to change. I cannot take/have contraception having tried multiple routes and we were told by the public health system due to this they could support a vasectomy but it would take a while, and told us private would be a better option. We did not think we could afford that, but now we are looking down a barrel of additional finances with another child - more self doubt of course!

There are 3 wheeled e-bikes that allow you to carry groceries or a child. More stable than two wheeled. Might be helpful.

You seem to think he's doing his best within his limits. What can you change as a family to make life more do able ,while you work and he does the other stuff, do you need to move to a more accessible location for example.

I think you're being unfair. He does a lot at home, grows food for the family etc etc.... driving is one thing he doesn't do. Annoying, but not divorce material.

Can he take the kids anywhere by bus? It takes longer but that's the price of not driving.

I think you need to look at it as a kind of disability. It’s frustrating- DH has just said how limiting it’s been, being unable to drive. 30 odd years later. Mine got as far as taking his test and was able to drive in theory.
In practice he found it overwhelming, felt he might kill someone, just didn’t feel good enough. He hates being out of control. Says he feels like it’s a video game happening on a screen.

I’m pretty sure he is autistic.

It’s not unreasonable to resign yourself to it, and not unreasonable to consider life as a single parent. You have to assess what will work best for you and the DC.

As you've said, not wise to have three children, but that's your situation. So - it's public transport or biking as pp have said. Many people manage it. It's a bit inconvenient at times and a logistical issue, but everyone will be a bit healthier. You'll work your way around it.
What country do you live in?
Is the language barrier significant?

I understand what your husband says. In all honesty I respect some people for not driving - we don't need more people on the roads not fully in control, it's bad enough as it is.

Also if your children can't all get an activity, then they can't do it. It's not the end of the world.

I think it's the not working that's the problem, not the fact he doesn't drive. I understand you need the childcare so maybe this setup works for now but he really needs to start earning when you return from maternity leave,

Have you considered a cargo bike?

I drive and my husband doesn't, mainly due to logistical reasons when it came to lessons. He still might learn so I'm not in the same position as you, but it's made me realise it's not simple for everyone - you're driving around in something capable of killing people if you lose concentration at the wrong moment (orc are simply unlucky) and I can see how that's overwhelming, even regardless of the work required to learn a whole new practical skill.

I do understand how frustrating it is but we live our lives around it - deliberately moved to place with good public transport links etc. It's not a barrier to work here but if it was (that seems to be the main issue? ) I'd be gearing up to change how we live if it was really important. Otherwise yes, it's not ideal but that's how it will be while they are young.

I would honestly look at what your dh brings to this marriage
It comes across as him choosing not to learn to drive or to learn the language and choosing not to work

For someone else who hasn’t got children and has money he would be ideal

But the reality is he has children that need ferrying around and he needs to learn the language in order to get a job and ease the financial pressure on the family,

Growing a few vegetables that are available to buy in the local market isn’t really bringing much to the table

You say he works hard but is what he does needed or productive in any practical way.

We did, last year :-), partly also to be closer to the hospital as my youngest has neutropenia. It means a lot is closer now (we were 40 mins into the mountains before), now clubs / school are all close, except away matches and I am talking to the boys that sometimes we just may not be able to make them all - this is tough in a way as even at 11 it seems so competitive (ad of course like many his age he has his heart set on being a professional.... :-)). I think part of it is helping especially the older child to understand the limitations and be part of the solution as a family. I am looking at what what else we can cut, to see if I can go down to one job.

I think you need to work out a way where the children's activities, schooling etc is largely manageable by walking. He can walk them there or they cycle.

If you're at work and he's not he needs to take on the majority of the household running. If he can't drive he walks.

I agree, absolutely not divorce material, not something I ever bring up, that comes from him and I find it difficult to know what is his depression and what is something else so I can find a better way to react / respond. I think that's part of it, a lot of people if they knew more would label him as the "baddy" or "selfish" which if you look at some of the other chats with similar themes that's how it trends. He is not and in fact he is very anxious and paranoid about how he is viewed so I cant talk to anyone we really know about any of it. I guess that's partly why I am on here. Its frustrating and I have been ok for a long time with it, the issue is now as the kids are getting older, and there is one more they are more aware of the limitations - so I am seeing how to involve them in the solution.

Spain, and he is doing super well with picking up the language :-). Local transport is not great, there are e.g no bus services where we are but there are some options :-).

He has tried, everything - and is not giving up - he is still looking for sustainable work - the constant rejection does not help his depression - he is very clever and hard working, just opportunities are minimal and often even when not needed (e.g. he applied for McDonalds) they rejected his application as he did not drive. He used to run his own business we sold to move here, so a hard bottom for him to be at.

See, my DH would be willing to learn to drive, but learning Spanish would be absolutely impossible for him!

A source of contention is the garden - like his sport its a coping mechanism for his depression but the balance of time on it versus other things could be better. It does produce some of the yummy veg we eat and will more as we settle here. He has really tried with the language and got better, for the driving he just cannot articulate himself why he cannot do it, but has tried - just not got past learning some of the theory

Why did you move to a country where he didn't speak to language and equally why move somewhere with no buses when he doesnt drive. And have a third child. It does seem that you have made life very hard for yourself

We didn't have a car for years, but other parents always kindly offered to give us a lift to away matches. It was good fun actually!

Well, the other thing he dosen't do is work. So that's two quite big things he dosen't do but the OP does because, well, somebody has to.

Absolutely this. If OP chose to be single the man would have to finance himself, transport himself, and parent all the kids he chose to make, hugely reducing the burden on OP.
Making someone fund and transport you and work 2 jobs while you dick about with some vegetables takes some audacity.