Will not drive

[ThreeLittleMonkies]

There was a long thread on this before, but no recent posts. My story is similar and I just do not know what to do. Im pregnant with child no 3. I work 2 jobs. My husband is a good man who contributes hugely at home with everything except he does not drive. He promised he would for 8 years, and I paid for 2 courses he barely started. He suffers with clinical depression but on discussion cannot ever say its this or anything specific that stops him learning. He has not managed to find work for many years and has really tried (we live abroad and there's a language barrier he is trying to overcome) but most jobs here ask for a licence. Its coming to blows again, largely as Im just not sure how I can ferry 3 children around and work. E.g My youngest just started football and the matches at weekends clash. He finally said today, I need to consider he will never learn and if I don't want to be with him thats my choice. Im going from defiant, to teary to just too exhausted to think straight. He is not lazy, he works tirelessly in the house and the garden (we grow a lot of our own food), and he does love our family as best as anyone with depression can express consistently. I cant answer his question, I feel I am stuck and have no real choices. Life would be harder without him, and its not about me anyway, its about the children. I was going to do a poll but im not even sure what im asking.

OP regarding the away matches - that’s what you make friends with the other parents for! I’ve been driving my kids to matches for 10 years and there’s a huge amount of lift sharing that goes on. Coaches will help too.

Sadly it sounds as if your husband is essentially a 4th child. I’m surprised you felt you couldn’t afford a vasectomy but could afford a 3rd child!

It does seem as if you’ve both made some choices that really make your lives a lot harder, such as living in a country where he doesn’t speak the language, an area where there is no public transport, not using contraception and having a child you can’t afford. Sadly I think you’ve set yourself up for a very tough couple of decades.

So what was the plan when he sold his business and you moved countries? Had he researched work opportunities in his field, or looked at job possibilities in the area you moved to. I am sorry OP, but it is hard to understand someone making such huge changes in their life without a plan b and a plan c, let alone without a plan a.

PS re the vasectomy wait, surely the ideal time to get it done is now, while you are already pregnant.

OP if he doesn't speak Spanish how is he supposed to learn to drive in Spain? For anyone that would feel impossible never mind someone who clearly has some anxiety/issues with driving as it is.

You moved to the mountains, knowing he can't speak Spanish and doesn't drive. He gave up his business to move and is now applying for jobs at McDonald's. Ok, you've now moved closer to civilisation but honestly, take a step back. I don't think him not being willing to drive is the only issue here, sorry.

How did you end up living rurally (or least suburbanlly) and creating a family with a person who did not possess a driving license?

did you previously live somewhere more urban?

im the non driver in our family.
but my husband shut down all conversations about relocation until I have a driving license.

promising to get one isn’t the same.

maybe you would alll be happier in a more urban context where driving to hobbies and clubs isn’t critical and your children will be able to navigate independently as they get older?

Bloody hell. How did he get in this situation?
he sold a business to move to a country he can’t speak the language in, to live in the mountains, where he can’t travel independtly.

you did a real number on him.

Wow. He sounds like a chancer. He’s got 2 soon to be 3 children.
He won’t learn to drive
He won’t learn the language
He can’t seem to get a job (does he really try?)
But he Does grow some vegetables once in a while
But he Does Enjoy and spend time on His Sport

When you say he helps around the house - does he do everything? Cleaning, cooking, housekeeping beds, organising the children’s school stuff etc?

You on the other hand have 2 jobs, you drive, I’m guessing you speak the language?

Maybe one answer to all the above that are trying to support by delving into that angle. We moved to Spain, initially selling one business to start another which was his, and he did well at - based in the mountains. Sadly due to COVID, and the war in Ukraine it collapsed. We moved to an urban area last year to support life with only one driver, a child that needs to be near a hospital and hopefully find him more job opportunities.

We are doing all we can on the vasectomy, before we were pregnant it was in progress, we basically opted for the longer wait time but public. We are now seeing what we can shuffle to go private (circa 1000). Hindsight is a tough one to sometimes swallow - but I am not regretting having this child - that is not healthy or fair on anyone, esp bump.

Yes - I speak the language as am lucky I can pick it up quicker. He is trying on that and making serious progress. I do the "admin" as its in Spanish - so school, clubs etc. He does of course help where he can, and uses google translate a lot :-). He does do most other bits - housekeeping / cooking. I do pick up where I can partly as for some of the year its 35 / 40 degrees and the kids struggle in that heat.

Moved for his new business, it just sadly did not work out for him

We moved for his new business, which sadly did not work out, but outside of that you make good points that absolutely need reflecting on, thank you

I’d make it firmly a DH problem.

Do 50% of the taxi-ing of kids and ask him how he’s dealing with the rest.

Yes DS I took you to the match last week - daddy is sorting this week - ask him. Let your husband think of the solution or be the bad guy.
EVERY TIME

youre enabling him and running yourself into the ground.
If he won’t admit his depression or language is an issue then he can’t be allowed to use it as an excuse.

why should be be allowed to tell you that ‘you need to accept his choice’ and also expect you to sort the consequences of that.

Ok fair enough - if he’s doing all of the house work and cooking etc.

It’s not insurmountable - he needs to commit to Spanish lessons and refresher driving lessons. The driving thing obv scares him.. but with a small ish car (obv needs to be big enough for 5), he’ll get confidence with a decent instructor. That’s what I did - the decent instructor was key.

@TealTraybake the man has informed OP he will not be driving.

What do you want to do OP? Two jobs, family chauffeur and funding everyone is unsustainable. The man is making your life exponentially harder.

Would you not be better moving back again?

Has he I missed that. In that case he needs to be told that’s unacceptable - for the sake of his family he needs to drive. Unpick what’s stopping him and start again. He is childlike obviously so needs must.

If does all the housework cooking etc - he’s a house husband. It’s a role reversal isn’t it. Happens all the time the other way round - but in this case he needs to do more as OP is actually having a baby. He needs to understand how this changes things, assuming he’s burying his head in the sand about all this.

Regarding the language no excuse, he must do lessons.

There’s no escaping change is required and it’s him that needs to get a grip. If he starts looking at it differently that might help - if he learns to drive he’s really helping his wife and his children, it’s not just about him. And it’ll increase his freedom at the same time.

The only other option is to return to the UK where he at least speaks the language and can easily get a job. Might find it easier learning to drive too.

He is using his depression as an excuse to manipulate the family

You and your children are not mental health professionals. It isn’t your children’s job to come up with a solution to their fathers problems
He is the adult. He needs to realise that his problems are affecting the family and he needs to come up with solutions to how things can move forward

Your need to move to a more practical location where he needs to get a job, any job. He won’t get a job by living anywhere but a central location on a bus route.
If this means a flat in town and if this means losing his veggie garden then so be it

It isn’t yours or your children’s jobs to ease his depression
This is for him to seek professional help for

In the meantime there are things he needs to deal with and that could be taking a child to their away game and if he can’t drive then he needs to work out bus routes, trains and transport.

He can’t have everything

Based on your updates, I'd say that its pretty clear that you need to come home...