Is my MIL to be unreasonable?

[TrueOlympian]

I’m engaged to my fiancé for 3 years now and we want to finally organise our wedding. We tried to organise it two years ago but then we had to cancel our plans because my MIL said she cannot take time off work and she can only do in July. We wanted a September wedding. I even invited her to wedding fittings so she can feel included.

I looked for alternative venues closer to where she lives but we couldn’t find a suitable one and it would be annoying as most of our guests would have to travel a long distance. So in the end we didn’t get married.

I have now booked a venue for next year (not July) and my fiance is scared to tell her and he’s stressed about her reaction. I’ve asked her throughout the year why she can’t take time off and the answer was “I like my job, I don’t want to let the team down etc”. So in theory she CAN take time off.

Just to say that for her birthday, we all had to take time off as she wanted a trip abroad during HER work’s bank holiday and nobody complained about having to take time off.

Should I go ahead and organise the wedding?

Yes. Stop pandering to her, live your life.

She is being ridiculous about taking time off. You are giving her plenty of notice to get leave organised. Just get on with planning your wedding and let her sound off. She will soon realise it's not all about her. She will either relent and come or not bother. Her loss if she doesn't attend.

Is there a reason she can't take time off? Eg is she a teacher?

How much time does she need to take off?

What does your DP think? Was he on board with booking a date that isn't July?

In short, if he's as committed to the date as you, then yes go ahead with the plans. He needs to find a way to tell his mum sooner rather than later.

Yes of course. Why should she care more about mildly inconveniencing her work team for a day than being there for her own family?

Can you send ‘save the date’ cards so that he doesn’t have to actually tell her?

Just do it and give her plenty of notice. She is just 1 guest where the location is concerned.

Pause for a moment. You love your fiancé and we assume he loves you. But if he cannot tell his mum that you have booked a date without stressing, how does this bode for the future?

I get it, he is conditioned to feed the toxic narcissist , but unless he grows up, and tells her no, your entire marriage will have to fit around MIL.

Take it from one who had a similar MIL, our wedding was close to not happening, but thankfully DH and my lovely FIL stepped in. But we had a lot of unnecessary stress over the years from MIL need to be centre of the universe.

So please, think carefully if you want her to be part of your life.

She works at a school but not as a teacher. She’ll just need one day off really to travel to the location.

Thank you for your response. I assume there were issues around other things as well, like how and where to spend holidays etc. How did you deal with that?

Many issues - we lived overseas for many years and yes, being expected to visit every holiday , spend Christmas etc , everything involved some sulking or other passive aggressive behaviour

Luckily however, my DH saw it for what it was, and actually enjoyed the power of being able to say No, that’s not going to happen. He saw normal behaviour modelled by my parents and siblings , and decided that was the way he wanted to live. Living far away lowered contact naturally of course.

Nothing changed in her behaviour and in her later years, as a widow, with us nearby, she was extremely needy, and we just had to navigate determining what was genuine.

I love my DH dearly, but there have been times when I have needed to put some distance between me and his family.

Have the wedding in her bedroom so she doesn't even have to get out of bed. Alternatively, do whatever you like and let her com if she's able. Sound like your fiance needs therapy as he sounds scared of her.

Start as you mean to go on OP from today. Do what you want your way. Stop pandering to MIL or anyone else for that matter. I am sorry to say but all I see is weakness from you all and it will not bode well going forward, so many red flags here. Your fiance not backing you, dare not tell his mum for chance of upsetting her and MIL being a pillock. Are you really sure this situation and I am sure other situations where you have had to conform is really for you?

I think YBU actually. I doubt it’s about the one day you say she needs to take off. It sounds like you live in a different location and so as MOTG she probably wants to come down the day before and stay the following day when everyone is getting together and having dinner/breakfast, etc. Maybe she wants to be involved in the pre-wedding prep that can only happen in the last few days. Working in a school means you are bound in the same way as teachers and so I machine it would be extremely awkward for her to have to ask for days leave. What is the issue in getting married in July or August? You’ve had 3 years planning, you could have booked something in that time.

Sometimes sadly some MIL’s have their nose put out of joint (not all, most are fantastic), and it’s not that they want to sabotage they just finally realise that one day they won’t be the matriarch of their family, it can be a power struggle.

We had similar with MIL (couldn’t attend any cake tasting/hen do/dress fitting although she is retired, etc) the last straw was her informing us she would be going out to lunch on the day of the wedding and would be arriving just before the ceremony (wedding was late afternoon). Everything she said we just told her that’s fine please do as you feel necessary but just note the doors to guests will close 15 minutes before the ceremony and she would not be permitted entry. She showed up on time as she knew we were serious.

So hold firm, give in to her not showing up for the little things but do the same as us, let her know you’re getting married on that day at that venue and that time. If she ‘can’t make it’ yes you’ll be sad but you will be surrounded by love and the only one left miserable at the end of the day will be her.

OP just ignore this it’s ridiculous

I think we have the same mother in law!

She is very very toxic though, so many different issues between us all so my husband cut contact with her in the end, best thing we ever did.

Working in a school and not teaching she will definable be able to have a day or two off for her son’s wedding. Most bride and grooms do not want lots of other people involved in the prep of THEIR wedding.

You already cancelled once. You will need to do again. Book the date you want and have the wedding you want. She can choose to be there or not. It’s on her. You can’t control her reaction so just send out a save the date. It will save on all the drama of her being fussy before hand

some schools don’t allow people to book leave however there are generally provisions for life events like weddings and funerals and graduations etc

We didn't invite my mil to our wedding!!
Not missed at all!!
Honestly op who panders to a grown woman like this???

Working in school but not as a teacher may or may not mean she can take a day off. It would depend on the type school and her role.
If you did a weekend or school holiday wedding ( her role in school depending) she might be able to attend.
It's hard to tell if she is really being unreasonable or you are, given the information provided and that she is mother of the groom.
I do think booking a date you know in advance she has said is not suitable is unreasonable.

Thank you for offering your perspective.

Just to clarify, this is a Saturday wedding! The MIL could travel after school (she finishes at 12.30 p.m.) on Friday, or take the day off and travel after work on Thursday. Also, I'd like to clarify that other people on her team have taken time off for life events. The venue also does not do weddings in August.

Because the wedding is at a very nice location, she probably wants to stay longer, but she can always go on holiday to that place during her school closure days or whenever, it doesn't have to be during our wedding.

It is a Saturday wedding.

Think Very very carefully if you want to marry a man who is scared of his Mummy.
This will be your life if he can't stand up to her and you will either end up divorced or complaining on here about your MIL and be told the issue is your DH

Be careful before marrying into this dysfunctional family with an evil person evidently in charge of it.

She finishes at lunchtime on Friday. She can then travel anywhere for a Saturday wedding. She sounds like an utterly wicked cow refusing to do this and allowing you to cancel your planned wedding.

Really, do you want such a nasty and difficult individual as your child's granny?

I'd dump the fiancé. He is a big baby if he can't have an ordinary conversation with his mum for fear of her reaction. How much does he really want to marry you if he is prepared to let nonsense like this get in the way.

Bet her precious "team" despise her if she is so difficult. He also ought to say to her, uh mum why is it that you are happy to let your son and future daughter in law down, in favour of your team - who you wouldn't even have to let down?

I would just book and arrange the wedding. You can't control what she does. She can either attend or not. She's making a choice. My old work, secondary school, would absolutely allow you a day off for a family function. Mine allowed me unpaid leave to go on holiday a few days before term ended so I could get a cheaper break.