Lies and rumours

[LadyLovesToBoogie]

A couple of weeks ago a friend who is perpetually late for everything turned up late for a timed event at my home. I genuinely believed she would be on time on this occasion because I’d sent an official invitation outlining the importance of being on time. When she arrived 40 mins late I decided on this occasion to explain to her how her lateness had impacted on everyone, and I asked her why she was late, she had no clear answer, she reacted angrily and stormed out.
My other friends were annoyed because she was late, and on reflection I realise that I was rude for keeping them waiting when we should have started without her.
It has now come to my attention a week later that my perpetually late friend has told our friends that I ordered her to leave, which I absolutely did not. One of my friends even asked me why I didn’t let her in, suggesting I’d stopped her, however on the evening in question my friends had plenty to say regarding her previous history of lateness, and that on this occasion it was totally unacceptable. I look back and realise I would have been wrong regardless.
I feel some of my friends are against me, and I wish, given her past history, that I’d not trusted her to be on time and simply left her off the guest list, but then I guess I’d be wrong for excluding her.
I’m sensing that a couple of friends are believing her story that I ordered her to leave, because when I explained the truth there was no response. This really hurts and I have no idea how to move forward.

Sounds tough OP and I agree that given her history, you should have known she'd be late and not waited.

The people in my life who were always late were invariably selfish so I am not surprised she's made it all about her when she owes you an apology.

My advice? She's not a friend and spreading rumours about you is beyond the pale. Wait and sit on your hands, do not add to the drama. Do not justify yourself.

The wheat will sort itself from the chaff and your real friends will become apparent.

Just rise above it all and ignore her. If any of your other friends are foolish enough to believe her, then they will find out how gullible they've been in the fullness of time.

Username44416 thank you so much for taking the time to respond, you’re very kind.
I will take your advice, sit on my hands and keep 🤐 I feel very hurt and sad, I’ll be pleased when I can move on, as I know I will

Invisiblecat, thank you 🙏

This too shall pass💐

❤️

They may not be against you, but disagree with your handling of the situation. I don’t think you handled the situation especially well, either.

1. you should have commenced the activity at the time stipulated
2. your friend would have arrived late and experienced the impact of her lateness
3. the way you confronted your friend seems embarrassing for her. I’m not surprised she stormed off.

You can't really sit and say nothing while lies are being spread about you though. If you don't firmly refute what she said, people will believe it's true and why shouldn't they in that situation?

Friends generally like you and believe the best in you. If they believe rumours about you without finding out the truth of the matter, then they aren't friends and it's better to let them go.

That goes for the other friend too. If she's saying something and OP doesn't deny it, the sensible conclusion is that it's true. You can't just sit there silently and passively hoping the truth will magically come out somehow with zero human intervention.

We have different friends. Your friends think it's 'sensible' to believe anything said about you, irrespective of the facts. Mine tend to have my back.

They're the other woman's friends as well. Would you friends automatically think you're a liar if you made allegations about one of them, allegations that she didn't deny? As you said, they have your back so they'd believe you. I'm sure they have the other friend's back too and to think anything else is main character syndrome. 2 equal friends, 1 story that isn't being denied.

OP is getting terrible advice here. She has to stand up for herself.

I explained the truth there was no response.

The OP has told these people what happened and they're aware that the friend is always late.

If they choose to believe lies, then what can the OP do? I wouldn't bother trying to convince my so called friends that I was innocent. They either believe me or they don't. If they don't believe me, I can make different friends.

OP you should have started the event without her if she wasn't on time. Why would you have all your guests waiting around for 40 minutes for one person? I would contact this friend and say please stop telling people lies, I did not ask you to leave. Make sure she knows you're onto her spreading lies about you!

If your other friends choose to believe her lies, there's not much you can do. I guess you will find out who your real friends are.

Lucky you but how is that helpful to the OP?

Tbh, as it got heated at the time I wouldn't be surprised if your friend genuinely felt like you'd thrown her out even though you didn't. Less lies than different perspectives. Just defend yourself to others and importantly - phone or message your friend so you can talk to each other and sort it all out.

I have family members who are always late so I tell them an hour earlier than I tell everyone else (conversely I also have family members who are always early so I tell them half an hour later 🤣)
In your situation I would have started on time after having made such a big deal about the importance of everyone arriving on time ....

Friend was late yes rude but don't know why they needed a lecture you decided to wait

I would move on and not invite them again, it doesn't need to become a Soap though

Findinganewme…
Yes I agree with you, I might not have handled the situation as well as I could, and I have reflected on that.
In answer to your bullet points though…

1. My friends do not know how I handled the situation because it was done quietly at the other side of the house behind closed doors and not within earshot of anyone. I would not be so unprofessional by discussing with her in front of others. Anyone outside of the people who attended the event and disagreeing is doing so from gossip which has clearly come from her. Also, had I commenced the activity at the time stipulated, her arriving late would have meant she could not join the group, the event was structured with allocated tasks for each member, it would’ve meant restarting the game, I wasn’t willing to place that disruption on anyone.
2. As I explained, her lateness is perpetual, and on previous occasions she doesn’t appear to care or experience the impact it causes. On the contrary she laughs about it, and always has a reason that is never her fault.
3. I did not ‘confront her’ as you stated, a confrontation is the last thing I wanted, I’m intelligent enough to recognise that everyone would be affected by that. What I did do is ask her why she was late, which allowed her the opportunity to explain, and I calmly explained the impact her lateness had. She knew the importance of being on time for this event, it was emphasised on the invitation, therefore ‘asking’ her why she was late seemed entirely appropriate, I felt on this occasion she should afford me the respect of an explanation rather than laughing about it again.

I hope like you say that she was embarrassed, her perpetual lateness has caused issues time and again and it’s incredibly rude of her to not give a damn how this affects others. I made a decision that I wouldn’t allow it to happen in our home again, and I feel it was the right one.

As time has passed I’ve taken the advice of other supportive mumsnet users, I’ve sat on my hands and kept my dignity. I don’t need ‘friends’ like her in my life.
She showed her true colours again at one of my friends BBQ’s last weekend and blotted her copy book without my help…enough said.

Thank you so much for your kind words. Sincerely the gossip has made me ill, but I’m glad I kept quiet and left her to it. What has happened is I’ve found my genuine friends and I’ve had support from them. I found it was only one that was stirring things up and I’ve distanced myself. As for the late ‘friend’ she is no longer a friend. Everyone thought she would eventually apologise for all the disruption her lateness caused… she didn’t, she chose to cut me dead instead, friendship ended.

Just be be clear, from my side it wasn’t heated, I was calm, my objective was to continue with the event and have a great time with friends. I had a right to ask her why she was late when the importance of being on time had been emphasised, I did not suggest in any way she should leave, she blew up and stormed off… she has a quick temper. If she feels like she got thrown out I’m not responsible for that, and that’s a very easy get out for her to not to take responsibility for her actions yet again.

… I have tried to speak to her too, she cuts me dead. I’m done, I have to move on.
Thanks for taking take to offer your support

I'm glad it's resolved OP.

The thing is, from your perspective you didn’t throw her out. But from her perspective it may have come across that way. If I arrived somewhere and was pulled to one side and spoken to like this, I too might feel unwelcome and rejected. There’s always three sides to these things. Your version, her version and reality which is often somewhere in between the 2.
it sounds like her version is also being relayed around the group which means people are adding in their own interpretation, and by the time it’s reaching you it’s a bit far fetched.

i think if you want to repair things, you should offer an olive branch, apologise for making her feel unwelcome and clarify that wasn’t your intention. Punctuality was important to you on that day but that you could’ve handled things differently.

in hindsight, you knew she was a late person, and should’ve told her an earlier start time to mitigate the risk of her lateness causing bother. I appreciate she’s a grown adult, but you are too, and you know what she’s like. I think sometimes you just have to meet people at their level, or decide they’re not your person. Because you’ll never change her.

So what if it was embarrassing? She was rude to be be so late and deserved everything she got