Lies and rumours

[LadyLovesToBoogie]

A couple of weeks ago a friend who is perpetually late for everything turned up late for a timed event at my home. I genuinely believed she would be on time on this occasion because I’d sent an official invitation outlining the importance of being on time. When she arrived 40 mins late I decided on this occasion to explain to her how her lateness had impacted on everyone, and I asked her why she was late, she had no clear answer, she reacted angrily and stormed out.
My other friends were annoyed because she was late, and on reflection I realise that I was rude for keeping them waiting when we should have started without her.
It has now come to my attention a week later that my perpetually late friend has told our friends that I ordered her to leave, which I absolutely did not. One of my friends even asked me why I didn’t let her in, suggesting I’d stopped her, however on the evening in question my friends had plenty to say regarding her previous history of lateness, and that on this occasion it was totally unacceptable. I look back and realise I would have been wrong regardless.
I feel some of my friends are against me, and I wish, given her past history, that I’d not trusted her to be on time and simply left her off the guest list, but then I guess I’d be wrong for excluding her.
I’m sensing that a couple of friends are believing her story that I ordered her to leave, because when I explained the truth there was no response. This really hurts and I have no idea how to move forward.

Your friends are pretty two faced if they had plenty to say about her lateness at the time yet now seem to be on her side and blaming you.
Did she give a reason for being late? I’m going to assume she didn’t have a reasonable excuse and say good on you for pulling her up.
I would say to your friends, look, just to clear things up once and for all, I did not ask X to leave at all. I pulled her up for being late (again) and she left because she didn’t like being called out for her rude behaviour. You can believe me or not, but I seem to remember everyone has had plenty to say about her lateness before.
You can’t do much more than that. If they choose to side with her then so be it, they aren’t the type of friends you want.

if I showed up and someone was mean to me then I would feel I wasn’t allowed in - she is probably telling the truth? You could seriously stay after someone lays into you? Everyone has late friends and yes they are annoying but you just plan events for them where time matters less? We have a late friend show up after we’ve eaten and it’s not a problem as they just join us for evening chat, I don’t go out of my way to serve them after they missed it. Just calm down a bit. I think if you spoke to them they would say you have an awful trait that they have to absorb. There are lots of different types of people.

I am always late, only a tiny bit, but enough that it’s a running joke and my friends joke they’ll tell me a meeting time 10 mins earlier than everyone else. The thing is I really hate being late! It stresses me out and embarrasses me and I feel like I’m a failure for never managing to be early even though I try so hard, when other people seem to do it effortlessly. I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD, another trait of which can be RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) which can skew your perception of events to make it seem that essentially everyone hates you. That feeling is physically painful, all-consuming and extremely hard to live with.

In your friend’s shoes I would have been mortified to have been so late, especially if I knew it was important to be on time (although I may not have read the invitation fully so might not have been aware) and if I felt that I was being told off for ruining the occasion with my selfish lateness then I may well have interpreted that as not being allowed to join in and would have imploded emotionally.

I wouldn’t spread lies, but perhaps I might be concerned that everyone was talking about how my lateness ruined the party and might want to justify myself - I don’t know. I just thought it might be interesting to think about it from another angle.

I’m not saying that it’s ok to be late all the time, just that it might not be selfishness that causes it.

You are absolutely spot on with your response, and reason for being late was that she was ‘busy getting ready’.
I have since done exactly what you suggested and told my friends I didn’t tell her to leave… and the rest. One of them I have completely distanced myself from, as you say they aren’t the type of friends I want.
Thank you, you’ve helped me immensely.

I hear you! I’m not confirmed ADHD (waiting diagnosis, but I am autistic) but it’s virtually impossible for me to be on time - like you I’m always up to around 10 mins late and absolutely hate being late. It’s definitely due to a lack of executive function etc. I genuinely cannot help it and get very stressed about being late. I do always apologise tho and everyone is understanding mostly. I think it’s the attitude of the ‘friend’ that she didn’t even seem to care that she was late and didn’t apologise that’s a big issue here. Glad the OP has managed to work through it.

Could it be a miscommunication/different perception as opposed to her lying? Was the conversation about her lateness held at the front door? Perhaps she didn’t so much “storm off” but misunderstood your point and thought you were sending her away?

Thank you Overtherainbow89,
yes it was the fact that she didn’t care, that she didn’t apologise, and was downright rude to me. In addition she always manages to arrive on time for work, and for family outings and functions, so ADHD or any other issue is questionable.
I appreciate your response and support.

ADHD or not, it's bloody rude to continuously turn up late to something and this person laughs!

I have ADHD and yes I've perpetually struggled to be on the time in the past. However it is on us to use the tools around us to be timely. Otherwise I wouldn't have a job left to return to!

I certainly wouldn't be laughing. I'd be mortified, ashamed and all the things RSD kicks my butt with. I'd be apologising profusely and the shame of it would help not be late again.

On the very rare occasion I have been late recently, I have been very apologetic and worked to make sure it doesn't happen again. Obviously sometimes it's out of my hands if bad traffic.

However as we know we have time blindness, we should always give ourselves extra time, another hour if possible. We have a disability but we should have some responsibility. Like using alarms, extra time, have everything within reach before you get ready. Anything that needs to go with us, put by my shoes so I do not forget them.

Anyway op, as you say it's selective, it doesn't sound like adhd but I hate being late. I know the impact it used to have on my friendships in my 20s but I was undiagnosed then. I was only diagnosed last year but you've got to work with the brain you have.

I would have continued with whatever it is I had planned, not mentioned the lateness in front of everyone and spoke to her about it at another time. If she is always late and no one has called her up on it previously she possibly thinks you were being quite mean.

Lavenderblossoms, thank you, and well done to you for your respect of friends and the effort you place on ensuring you do all you can to be on time. You’ve clearly worked very hard, full respect.

FTMaz
It might have helped your response if you’d read my previous posts. However I will help you…

1. I spoke with her privately, I would never embarrass anyone by discussing a delicate issue within earshot of others.
2. The event was a timed event, a game where everyone was allocated an individual task, one could not join in later. We either waited or excluded her from the game. I ‘kindly’ waited, I would’ve been wrong regardless of which way I went.
3. If she thinks I was mean 🤷‍♀️ nothing I can do, I’m not responsible for her thoughts. Frankly I believe she was completely and utterly disrespectful… again. Only this time it affected other people, not just me, and that’s what upset me. The only thing she can do now to put herself in a better light is lie, and that’s what she is doing. I have come to the point now that those who believe her story don’t know me well enough and therefore I don’t need them in my life.