Would you tell someone that her husband has a secret love child

[Ethicaldilemma12]

Two acquaintances of mine have been having an affair for years. Both are married. She fell pregnant a few years ago and wanted to keep the baby so she confessed to her husband that she was pregnant by someone else and he agreed to raise the child as his own. The other man is also married and knows the child is his. His wife does not know about the affair, although is somewhat suspicious. If you were the wife would you want to know that your husband has been having an affair for years and has fathered a child with someone else? Or would you prefer innocent bliss? Should I send an anonymous message to the wife, or is it none of my business?

I would depending on how close we were

However, always be prepared for the fall-out. EG, A bloke at work (years ago) was advised by another workmate that his wife was "very friendly." - the victim insisted what he meant by that. And the workmate disclosed what he had seen, no once, but twice - kissing another member of staff in a far corner of our car park - then on the roof of the building over a few months

I also recall a friend of my sister being told her husband was a cheat. Initially, as people do I guess they don't believe it - then this woman started crying and fell out with my sister for "telling her husband was a cheat." They stopped talking but the husband to this day cheats in his 60's and the woman has accept it

Sp be careful when telling people as they response may not be what you expect

They're all going to deny it though and the wife's head will be really fucked. It's a really tricky situation as she could leave and go on to have the children she wants. I don't envy your position at all.

I would want to know. My ex-husband was having an affair and someone who I was friends with did know about it. I was destroyed by the affair but even more hurt that the friend didn't tell me. I felt like nobody had my back.

Once you bring a child into it it's a completely different ballgame.

I think what's so upsetting in this case now is that the two women are friends. The innocent woman will feel absolutely fucking awful when she realises she has been friends with a snake in the grass. Yes she will feel awful about her own husband but there is some thing about friendship that makes it incredibly difficult when you betrayed.

At the very very least she should be told not to trust that woman

Agree!

If my husband had put my life at risk like that, I would want to know so I could seek medical intervention.

I would want to know.

Oh wow. I’m leaning towards telling her now.

My child looks so much like her Dad it would be absolutely impossible to raise her as someone else's. I wonder how they think they'll get away with it especially if they socialise often etc

Then you need to tell her. Don't rob her of the chance to have a baby. Do it anonymously, however you feel you can - provide proof so she's certain and she can move on.

Yes I would tell her 100%

id squeal like a pig.

I don’t give a shit about “not your business” or “shoot the messenger”. If you’re keeping this a secret then you are part of the deception.

Based on your update about him refusing to have kids with her I’d be calling her this evening.

Absolutely shocking that anyone could sit and watch this happen - understand it’s a dilemma for you OP but seriously, would you want to be left in the dark over something so important?

i would probably keep stum.

I would mind my own business and distance myself from all of them to be honest. I can't deal with other people's drama. You don't need that in your life. Just walk away and don't get involved.

No, it is the people cheating who are responsible.

don't tell them anonymously as that is cruel

Yes, it has passed my mind that as the child gets older people are going to notice the child looks like the biological father anyway. So I’m not sure how long they think they’ll get away with it and it might all come out anyway.

I would only tell his wife if she was a very good friend of mine. Only a good friend can be sure that your disclosing this comes from a place of genuine concern/ doing the ‘right thing’. Being told by an acquaintance or someone you don’t know well and trust, will lead to suspicions of an ulterior motive. Especially when those involved will probably just deny it.

How could you NOT tell her. In these scenarios I always ask myself how I would feel, it it were me. If all my friends/acquaintances knew something like this but I was the last to know, I'd be furious. You'd feel such a fool, which makes it 100 times worse.

I would tell her, OP. It'll give her the chance to start a new life. And you can distance yourself from this revolting "couple".

I wouldnt tell her tbh.

But the child 😢😢

The fact he said no to a child and she wants one makes it vital you tell her.

My friend stayed with her husband after he told her once they were married he didn't want kids. She's never forgiven him and will be sad forever.

If there was any doubt before, this statement absolutely clinches it!
(as well as her sexual and reproductive health being risked without her knowledge) - yes, she needs to know!

This. It is this. ^

The fact that she doesn’t yet have children with this douchebag means someone absolutely should tell her (although I would not do it anonymously if it could be avoided - does anyone who is friendly with her also know the truth?).

If she has a baby and finds out afterwards then she has been saddled with this man for the rest of her life in one way or another, without having the information she needed to decide if that was what she wanted. Dealing with the aftermath while raising your own child would be a terrible thing to have to handle.

Right now she could choose to walk away and start again. He has behaved intolerably - at least give her a fighting chance at an honest life.

The poll seems to be roughly 50:50 for and against telling her which is interesting.

It seems I can’t tell the wife anyway as I had a nose on social media last night as I assumed she’d be on my friend’s list of friends on Facebook or whatever but she’s not on there. So the only way I could tell her would be if I see her at a social gathering and I directly take her to one side and tell her. I’m not sure I’d have the balls for that.

So I think I’m just going to stop being friends with my friend in the situation. It’s a shame as I don’t have many friends to be honest. It’s her lack of guilt or empathy that I find hard to deal with. I mean people make mistakes but usually they at least feel bad for it but she honestly doesn’t seem to give a shit about how it might impact the wife or her child in the future. She even gets annoyed that her other man gets guilty about it and it impacts on him seeing her! It’s like she’s a sociopath or something.

This is the clincher. If she has no joint kids with her cheating husband and he doesn’t want any with her, she needs to be informed.

anon letter. People think it’s cowardly, but it isn’t. The messenger always gets shot. Watch out for where you post it so it isn’t traceable. Centre of big city=good.