Would you tell someone that her husband has a secret love child

[Ethicaldilemma12]

Two acquaintances of mine have been having an affair for years. Both are married. She fell pregnant a few years ago and wanted to keep the baby so she confessed to her husband that she was pregnant by someone else and he agreed to raise the child as his own. The other man is also married and knows the child is his. His wife does not know about the affair, although is somewhat suspicious. If you were the wife would you want to know that your husband has been having an affair for years and has fathered a child with someone else? Or would you prefer innocent bliss? Should I send an anonymous message to the wife, or is it none of my business?

THIS is why you should tell her. If she's young enough, she can LTB and go find someone else and have a baby. Often, I'm hesitant to suggest you get involved in other's affairs, but it seems cruel to know this and keep it from her considering these circumstances.

I wouldn't be anonymous either.

Honestly, if she has her suspicions, it’ll all come out in the wash anyway. I’d keep out of it. If it isn’t your circus, they aren’t your monkeys.

Well I voted that I thought the wife had a right to know. Having read your latest update saying the poor woman wants children and he is actually stopping her fulfilling her wish knowing he has a child of his own beggars belief. I thought him and his mistress were low life before that update but that is just appalling.
Yes she should be told. Yes she should be given the opportunity to take control of her future.

All of this is very valid. In the wife's position I would want to know. I'd hate to unknowingly live in a web of deceit, even if it seemed happy. How humiliating for her.

More important is thinking about the child and the future possibility of them finding out that their dad is not their dad.

It would be different if the child was already in their teens/ adulthood, but as it sounds like they are very young, it's best that they know now, before they've lived their whole childhood with "dad".

Absolutely tell her. It isn't fair that she is unaware of this and is being made a fool out of. She deserves to know so she can make an informed choice. Ignore the posters trying to blame you for breaking up the family. The mother and the affair partner did that.

How soul crushing it would be for the woman to find out later when she's run out of time to have children of her own. Especially finding out others knew and didn't tell her. Awful.

He's scum. And my take on this is I wouldn't be with my DH if I knew this. Therefore every interaction I have with him lacks informed consent. I couldn't be party to that so I would tell her.

I know on here everyone always says “I would want to know”, but I know of two situations where the wife has been told of an affair, they didn’t break up with their husbands, the messenger got shot, and tbh everyone was just completely miserable for the knowledge to become ‘public’ if you will.

They’d have been better keeping quiet.

I think the fact this man has a child and is denying his wife a child puts a totally different slant on things.
She of course would have the right not to separate from him if she was told but the very fact she is childless ATM because of him means it is so grossly unfair on her not knowing it brings it to a whole different level of betrayal.
She needs to be given the choice to decide, whatever her decision is.

I would tell her especially as she wants children and he has had a child with another woman. Wow just wow, what a pair of t.

Jesus. Absolutely tell her.

Does this scumbag have anything to do with 'his' child, or has this been conveniently swept under the rug by all three parties? Can you imagine how this woman would feel years down the line if her husband decides he wants to get to know his child? And how the child would be impacted?

Are you certain the OW is telling the truth? Because she sounds like a shitstirrer. If she is, tell the wife. It’ll give her the opportunity to think about her options including leaving the marriage if she wants kids.

Oh lord, well this is the post that tipped the apple cart for me… I can’t imagine how she would feel if this came out in years to come and she had given up her childbearing years for this consummate liar. If you’re friends with OW then I think you need to say to her that you don’t feel you can keep this to yourself anymore and that the two of them need to ‘fess up. If you’ve drifted it is not going to damage your friendships because it doesn’t really exist anymore.

I wouldn’t say anything the wife probably already has an idea
but you have to balance up the cost of clearing your conscious with the price the innocent husband and the child will pay

Oh my god.

Please tell her. That’s just so, so awful.

I wouldn’t even care if I did end up a shot messenger, to be honest. She’s literally giving up her chance of a family for a total, utter scumbag.

This changes everything. Tell her so she has a chance to move on. At the moment she's sacrificed her chance to have a baby for an incredibly narcissistic man. She deserves another shot at life.

Yes I would tell her. She is at risk of STDs and she deserves the chance to have control over whether she decides to stay in the marriage.

You are not ‘destroying’ their marriages! The minute the ‘lovebirds’ overstepped the boundary - they destroyed their marriages. All you are doing is shedding light on the situation and giving the wife the ability to make an informed decision. If he dies the child may have claim to his assets. If the lovebirds then say Ethical has known for years how would you feel?

I don’t agree with married people cheating. I would speak up and risk losing the friendship as that is the only choice I would be comfortable with. I’m not covering for two cheaters.

I would tell her.If it was me I would blow the whole situation right up and drag it into the open .

This is based on a particular experience.

A friend of mine at University was the child in similar circumstances. Youngest of four boys, he was the child of a long-term affair.

When he was a teenager, his mother and “father” got divorced and his mother remarried quickly. To the affair partner.

My friend had always struggled with feeling different,that he was different to his brothers and that his “father” treated him differently.

His mother and father (who he thought was his step father) told the truth when he moved out of home to go to University.

He was sweet, sensitive lovely boy who helped me through one of the most difficult times of my life in a kind, intuitive, selfless way.

He got more and more troubled as he realised his life had basically been a lie. And that basically many people
in his life had known but no-one had told him.

He really struggled with trust. He felt betrayed. He didn’t understand why no-one (grandparents, family friends etc) had told him.

He just scraped through university and by the time he left he had a really bad drinking problem. He found it very difficult to maintain friendships and relationships.

We managed, to what extent we did, because my family background was fucked up to a similar level though in a different way.

He was such an amazing person with a really great soul and so much potential.

He spoke to me so much about things like wishing he had had a chance to live his life in the truth. Because that way he would be able to trust what people said to him.

He just got more and more isolated and withdrawn.

why the heck is the mistresses husband being so accommodating? He is prepared to.raise the child as his own which is one thing but why the hell is he having the biological father round with his wife for cosy social events. That's a v sick set up.all round. And v unfair on the poor child and innocent wife.

I would let her know, because I would want to know if it was my husband.

I was all for saying mind your own but after reading the part about him denying her a child because he doesn't want them I would tell her. What a tragedy if she found out years hence when it was too late for her to have a child of her own.
He's a complete bastard and I think you should tell her.

Since the unknowing(?) wife wants a child but her errant H is refusing, I would find a way to let her know. I would do this anonymously so that if she chooses to stay with her H, she can without loss of face. (And also to avoid being the messenger - you know all these people and have glossed over this until now, why alienate them)

As I age, I have a higher tolerance for unconventional arrangements but in this instance, she is very much a victim. Also @ZazieBeth has a point about the child at the centre of all this.

They have an unconventional marriage I suppose. I agree it’s very weird.

Tell her. She wants a family and she could go on to meet someone else and have that with them. Imagine she stays with this scumbag and finds out at 45 when it's too late for her to have that opportunity.

If she decides to stay with him then at least she is making a choice rather than having it foisted on her.

Tell her

To avoid any backlash- do it anonymously

For me the biggest reason to tell her is the later post about the wife wanting a child and the cheating husband denying her this. Until that point I thought live and let them all live in this web of lies.. BUT ..

Now she needs to know and make decisions whilst in possession of the full facts ..

By not telling her you are complicit in denying her the opportunity to be a mother which she wants..

This is NOT a myob situation.. it's about allowing a woman to make an informed decision. Even if that decision is to stay with her husband.