MiL has caused irreparable damage (abusive bully)

[ZayM]

I found out just before Christmas I was pregnant. It was not planned, as we didn't think we could conceive given issues both sides re fertility.

26 August hubby left for work (Royal Marine). He returned late November. We had sex pretty much every day of that week before he deployed. My periods are not regular.(some months nothing, other months can last 3 weeks).

Based on the limited info and check, was told could be anywhere between 18 to 20 weeks.

Essentially, she was insinuating H is not father. Compounded with her general behaviour, It devastated me.

She as a person is hugely manipulative. Twists information, makes accusations, lies. She is just toxic and interfering. Ridiculous at times. I work from home... apparently I need to get off my arse and get a 'real job'. Not sure how my fake income pays for expenses, but hey - can't please everyone. I have so many stories of her behaviour I'd probably crash the site if I posted it all. One of my favourites was her literally turning the lights off, while I was reading a book and having a cup of tea. Essentially telling a 38 year old it's bed time. But previous evening she was on the gin and they were playing games and chatting until 4am. I think she hates me as she has never been able to solicit a reaction from me. I do genuinely believe that. A few months prior to switching lights off incident, H's brother relationship ended, on grounds that MiL is too involved.

I'm not going to lie and say everything with me and H are perfect. It's not. We were working on things within our marriage. Conceiving was difficult, his job with minimal contact for longer periods... we had a few bits to work through. But we took action and started counselling together.

My last straw was over Christmas. I had enough. She was threatening to call my mother re. pregnancy (in the middle of the night). She just went bloody loopy...

In the end it was squashed when she messaged my father, thinking she was 'telling on me'. What she got was a response saying we H and myself are married adults, and quite capable of sorting private matters. That even if he didn't know it was not her news to tell. That H is the father, and should he want, I would happily have a paternity test.

Paternity is definitely not an issue. I have not been intimate with anyone outside my husband for the last 7 years.

What was devastating is that she planted that doubt, and my husband didn't immediately shut it down. He knows me. I would never be unfaithful. That no matter what we go through there is a lot of love and we have never questioned one another on things like this.

I don't know if the timelines are wrong or right. I am really confused with everything going on right now. Is there a possibility that they made a mistake, or something has been misinterpreted. I hope it can clear up soon so I can shut her down on that. H came to his senses after a week and we are now dealing with this on top of the other stuff.

I'm just so angry and sad that she took something beautiful and made it ugly. That looking back I'm going to remember all the hurt and issues it caused. Including H questioning if he wants a divorce.

We are getting ok now... but this is something I think will take a very long time to resolve for all parties.

Anyone around that knows or has gone through a similar thing on dates?

Would I be an aHole to say I don't want her in my life and our child's life?

[GreatGateauxsby]

so your MIL implied you were pregnant with someone else and what?

your DH just stood there and mulled it over???

[NeverDropYourMooncup]

Your husband is aware that x weeks' gestation includes an estimate of +2 weeks to take into account the average last menstrual period?

[theDudesmummy]

What do you mean by your husband "didn't immediately shut it down"?

[MorrisZapp]

Your husband is a dick, sorry. The MIL is irrelevant, stop going to her house and taking her calls.

[Secondaryinfertility8]

She sounds awful and toxic and either way I think you should cut her out of your life.

But your DH doubting you is the problem here.

[Wheresthefibre]

Have you had a scan?

If you are quite far along it seems obvious you are about 20-21 weeks. The 18-20 is an estimate. Does your husband understand that?

You said it’s been 7 years since you had sex with anyone besides your husband. Were you married then? She sounds like a nightmare, but given your estimate date is so close to when your husband was home I don’t get why he would even contemplate it if you have never cheated and he knows you wouldn’t. And the estimated pregnancy fits with him being home.

[PlanningTowns]

I think this identifies a general issue that most men and women don’t understand basic biology and therefore her accusations take some hold.

you will have a very clear understanding of when you were likely to have got pregnant, but officially they take it from your period and then add information from the scans - it’s a bit of a mystical art rather than and exact date.

in your shoes I would be looking to NC with MiL - this is going to be the start of trouble. With your DH that’s another matter and it depends on how he defends you given her batshittery.

remember this is her issue, not yours. Your husband can have her in his life but you don’t need to.

[DelphiniumBlue]

Hmm, I would be telling H that due to her insulting behaviour, I won't be seeing her again. I would then block her on all channels. That's straightforward enough, but what will you do about the fact that H doesn't trust you, and you now know you can't rely on him to have your back?
I tell you what , I would not be considering a paternity test. If he doesn't believe you, then so be it. If he insists on a test, I'd be filing for divorce.

[ZayM]

I 100% agree with everything and everyone re Hubby. I was/still am furious with him.

I don't think it was a question when I told him. And I'm not sure H did really question that. I will definitely be having that discussion when things are less 'raw'.

She took advantage of the fact he has traveled to go see them - as he always does if training or deployment is longer than 2 months.

I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, ONLY because he has never done anything that remotely match his responses. I think he was mentally and physically exhausted with how much he has been away this year. He hadn't seen the message only knew she sent one, when my father shut it all down and included everyone in the immediate family, because she was dropping nuggets of shit to all of us and all different in tone and wording depending who.

But yes I am hugely effed off with him. He knows that. As I made it clear early on that I am married to him and not his mother. Another area on why she dislikes me. As he stopped over sharing. She loves to remind me every time we see them that he doesn't talk much anymore.

[ZayM]

He doesn't want a test.

After he got home I said to him we are shutting this down re paternity. So he needs to book it. As I'm not prepared to have my reputation questioned, and then play happy wife.

At that stage I was at a place where I felt I'd happily bring this child up as a single mother rather than being involved in this shit.

So I'm guessing there will be a blow up when I make it clear she will not be involved in my life and my child's life, based on her behaviour.

I'm only give H the benefit of the doubt, as he has never let me down like this before. All this shit was going on within messages. So I blocked her after that message, and not heard from her since.

H and I need to talk about it. But I'm trying to not knee jerk on this.

[Snowydaysfaraway]

Never see her without dh there.. If she says any crap and he doesn't immediately shut her down then ltb. She wouldn't be seeing my dc.. At least not with dh there every time.

[Brefugee]

only you know if your relationship with your husband is worth working on or not.

In your shoes my relationship with my MIL would have ended there and then, when she accused you of cheating on your husband. and i would be denying her a relationship with my child (unless your DH makes the effort and takes the child to visit her, i wouldn't lift a finger to facilitate it).

Remind your DH why his brother's relationship failed. Ask him if that's something he can handle. And use the words "wouldn't give her the steam off my piss". As a marine he'll get that one right away.

[SwordToFlamethrower]

The both of you need to be punishing her with no contact. You are a united front, and this woman is becoming ruinous for your marriage.

He made a life time commitment to you and as such, that also meant cleaving away from his old family to start a new one with you.

Cutting her out would go a long ways to repairing your fractured marriage.

I say this as a woman who has a bloody awful mother in law, and she is nowhere near as bad as yours!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

As pp have said, 6 weeks pregnant means 2 weeks since your missed period and actually, 2.5/3 weeks pregnant/since implantation started.

So you have to work your dates based on that. It's dumb but that's the system.

[Secondaryinfertility8]

@Snowydaysfaraway

Never see her without dh there.. If she says any crap and he doesn't immediately shut her down then ltb. She wouldn't be seeing my dc.. At least not with dh there every time.

To be honest, I wouldn’t see her at all anymore with or without DH there.

I would also not let her have a part in my child’s life. Imagine what she’ll be whispering in their ear.

I would also let DH know all that up front. She’s crossed a horrible line here.

I wouldn’t be as quick as you to forgive DH either, but then if he’s never done anything like it before then perhaps I can understand why you’re more willing to. Perhaps you both need some counselling before the baby arrives?

Does she live near you?

[LakeTiticaca]

You need to cut this toxic hag out of your life with immediate effect. Don't let her have a relationship with your DC, she will only fill their heads with shit and lies.
As for your DH he needs to grow a set of balls and stand up to his mother, big time.

[2jacqi]

@ZayM nothing in the law stipulates that you have to see her at all when her son is not here so that at least is ideal. I certainly wouldnt be seeing her at all. your hubby needs to open his eyes to her toxicity!! why were you staying in her house when she turn the lights off????

[BlueGrey1]

What a toxic old BITCH!!!!

I would have no more contact with her after what she has done, focus on your and your baby’s health for the rest of the pregnancy and don’t have anything to do with her, you don’t need horrendous stress like this which could negatively affect the pregnancy, tell your husband why you are not going to be seeing her and let him explain it to the old bitch….she’s his mother

[FloofCloud]

Do you have your own place or do you live with them? If you live there then move out asap.
Personally I'd take the chance to go NC or at least very LC - she's a
Manipulative arsehole! You don't need that in your life or banging on the door of your marriage either

[Wheresthefibre]

I wouldn’t see her anymore.

But I am assuming if you are 20 weeks ( That’s 27th August) So she is assuming you conceived early/mid September. When you actually got pregnant before then and, probably, much further along.

A scan might clear it up.

I would be concerned that during the pregnancy, the above might slowly make your husband believe her.

[FlyingWithoutAPlane]

Does she live with you? Why is she telling you to go to bed and texting your dad in the middle of the night?

You have more than enough grounds to never see her or speak to her again. If your DH wants to see her he can, but you and your child stay where you are.

[ZayM]

Appreciate all messages. New to this and just trying to figure out replies etc.

With regards to his part in this, it isn't going to magically go away. I was fairly clear on its going to take a lot to undo what she has done, and he allowed her to it. He was stressed and things are always a little weird when they come home. Routines etc... you are relearning to love together. Hence benefit of the doubt. My fav line... May your heart be breakable, but NEVER from the same hand twice. So that is where I am now. A few days ago I would have probably wanted to throw the vase of flowers im looking at,

We don't live with his parents. Proud to say my fake job allowed me to purchase a home.

We were on holiday and his parents have a house in South of France.... so her turf.

But I have not gone there the last 2 years, as I said I will never be in a position where I can't remove myself from any situation. He understands. He did tell her to eff off after the holiday when she was playing miss innocent. Essentially she is smart enough that she never does it within earshot of H and his bro and dad.

But it's difficult to twist an action like turning the lights off. And unfortunately for her one of her friends were awake and heard it and saw it!

I can still see her face when I did call her out on it. Deer in headlights with open mouth and wide eyes and lost the ability to talk

I'm not entirely sure on the laws here regarding access to grandparents. But yes... 100% on I don't want her near me or my child! She lost that the moment she hit send on it.

[ZayM]

Live not love 🙈

[PTSDBarbiegirl]

Go full non contact for you & dc. Your husband can do what he wants but you don't need her in your home ever again.

[SilkFloss]

Why on earth are you contemplating taking a paternity test?
This accusation has no legs; you KNOW you haven't been unfaithful and, if you've any sort of decent relationship, so should your husband. If he can think for one moment you're lying, then frankly he can get in the bin.
Anyway, even if (when) it comes back in that he is the father, to be honest that wouldn't mean you hadn't also slept with someone else too; just that he happened not to make you pregnant.

[GreatGateauxsby]

Based on your updates and knowing what I know having had my kids…

I would focus all your efforts on your DH.
Do not make the mistake of under-reacting.
He needs to be more afraid of upsetting you than her and your position is strong right now.
You are the wronged party / victim and you should press your advantage now.

You are in for years more of this shit if you don’t sort it out now. Once the baby arrives your DH will be backpedaling and take your baby off to visit his mother (Ie you are out of the picture and mil get what she wants)

I wouldn’t want or allow myself or my baby to be within a country mile of her…
If my DH wasn’t fully supportive of this and going LC or NC with her I’d be VERY cautious.
if he was still looking for regular contact and to play happy families with her I would not be impressed either.