Do I report my father-in-law for regular drink driving?

[misssapphire1992]

New to this but really need some advice! My father in law regularly drinks and drives. I refuse to get in the car with him (obviously) but his wife and son get in the car with him knowing he has drunk. My husband knows my views on this (my family were nearly killed by a drunk driver) but is not saying anything to his family about this issue and his nonchalance about this is frustrating. I could report him anonymously through Crimestoppers. The issue is, in yet another argument with my husband about this, I said if he doesn't address the issue with his Dad, I will report him myself. My husband said this is a breach of trust and would end our marriage! I don't want to cause issues in my relationship and cut myself off from the in-laws (other than this they are great), but, I feel so strongly about driving over the limit. What would you do?

Here's the link to the Police 101 reporting system. It's quick and easy to report him. Please do everyone a favour and get his car reg to the police so they can do a test sometime and nab him is need be.

www.police.uk/pu/contact-the-police/report-a-crime-incident/

I live in a family where my dad and brother regularly drink drive, it really upsets me. They never go far (the pub is a mile away on one straight road) - but it's still drive driving isn't it? My dad got done when I was at school; my brother relies on his van for work and wouldn't be able to work without it (he is a tradesperson). So they both know the risks, and know my feelings, but it's their choice. Recently my dad caused major damage to his car and a property. He was over the limit and it's cost tens of thousands for repair. But he'll say it wasn't the drink, he can hold it, it was a slip of the foot that could happen to anyone.

Sadly, calling the police on them likely just wouldn't work - even a ban, they'd likely do it again after. So it's really tricky and you don't really get much out of it except a temporary reprieve of safety on the roads for a short time.

I'd also say, it's not just for your husband to say anything. You're in the family, you're bothered by it, you CAN say something yourself. I've wanted my parents to talk to my brother about his aggressive behaviour when drunk and they just won't do it. I did it myself. To be honest, nothing came of it, but I know I stood up for what I believed in and felt better for having tried. Calling the police on family is creating a long term rift. They have a fault - a big one - but do you want them out of your life because of it? I'm not sure it's something to break down a family about.

So - I'd tackle it head on, yourself, to your father in law - before involving the police. Depending on how that goes, you can take things from there.

I said if he doesn't address the issue with his Dad, I will report him myself. My husband said this is a breach of trust and would end our marriage!

I do hope he has a similar ultimatum with his family: if his dad causes an accident when drink driving, he'll cut contact with them.

I doubt it though. Easier to threaten you in to submission.

You say it's their choice but what about the choice of the innocent family whose lives on of them could wreck one day with their selfish " choice".

I know it's difficult but I'd have absolutely no hesitation in reporting someone I knew was regularly engaging in dangerous behaviour. If you don't, how will you feel if someone is hurt by them, or worse?

100% report him

Is he drinking at home or at the pub?
I know of someone who regularly drove to the pub then drove home over the limit. Someone tipped off the police and they just waited for him at his home when he was en route from the pub. Banned for 2 years.

Don't you believe in social responsibility.....that's like saying I saw a rape but walked on by it had nothing to do with me

This is your best bet - you can call 999 to say someone is going to drive drunk and (if they have the manpower) they will try and catch them in the act. If not they will put a marker on the car meaning he is more likely to get pulled for driving suspiciously.

They will only say a concerned member of the public contacted them but if you want it taken seriously you will have to put your name to it. Crimestoppers has its place but suffers a great many malicious reports.

I think all these posts telling the OP she'd never forgive herself if he killed someone are not on. It is absolutely not her responsibility and shame on all those trying to put it on her shoulders. If she wants to report him, fine, but if she doesn't, and he kills someone, that will not be the OPs fault. It will be the FILS fault.

@TwigTheWonderKid yeah I find it more complicated when you're dealing with people you know/love.

I do understand the potential impact on innocent people in situations like this and it's fair enough to say 'you should go to the police'. If someone shopped my dad to the police, I'd have no sympathy for my dad. If someone gets a speeding ticket, I have no sympathy - I might say 'ah bad luck', but, if you were speeding, that's what happens.

But mainly, I don't think reporting people to the police in this kind of situation leads to very effective outcomes, and the potential family fall-out outweighs the potential benefits. If their behaviour was guaranteed to change I'd perhaps feel differently, but I doubt it will - and in which case, the equation for me is a lot more nuanced and I - personally - wouldn't be the one making that call.

Are you kidding? I and another family member had to report my brother who was once a regular, after several warnings telling him we would we did. 5 years on he is no longer a drinker and has since thanked us for doing it because he lost a friend last year when a drunk mounted a pavement and killed him against a tree. How would you feel if he killed or seriously injured your mother-in-law etc. Sorry but sometimes the hardest of things have to be done

I guess the thing is I would feel if I did nothing that I was essentially enabling and condoning their behaviour and with no intervention it's absolutely guaranteed that they will continue but if I reported them at least there is a possibility they might stop, especially if they get to the stage where their licence is removed and the next step is prison.

When you say drink driving do you believe he's over the legal limit, or is just having one and driving? My friend got angry with her dad but it turns out he was having only a shandy

If you report to Crimestoppers, it would be anonymous, but would your husband suspect that you may have been behind it, given as you've been so vocal about it?

I would report it, and wished I'd had when my dad was a drunk driver. Sadly no anonymous helplines then and drink driving wasn't a big deal back then.

Such a difficult situation.

@Garlicbutter23
Utter nonsense, the reporting to DVLA is for those medically unfit to drive. Drunk driving can't be 'investigated' by DVLA, OP report to 999 the minute you know he's driving drunk. The police will respond, I reported someone and they were out immediately and stoped him.

Probably easiest to report if there is a pattern - so you can phone police in advance and tell them that they would be well advised to do a routine check.

Crimestoppers information isn't just taken on face value. No one acts on information without seeking to corroborate it in some way e.g. if someone reported their neighbour for drug dealing they wouldn't get a warrant and go straight to the address they looked to see if there was other information to back it up.
A good officer won't mention anything about the source of the information either, they are meant to protect the source. You could if you wanted to say that you are a family member but wish to stay anonymous but it's up to you if you wanted to provide some context.

But if you don't report and someone ends up dead or injured, would you ever be able to forgive yourself, and DH for not doing something to prevent it

I hope she would easily forgive herself as it wouldn't be her fault in any way. It would be 100% the FILS fault.

It wouldn't be OP's fault but you'll find that after hideous and tragic events people often say "If only I'd known, I could have tried to do something to stop it." When you did know, then that sentiment often turns into guilt and shame.

And that's a horrible thing to have to live with. Even though the accident wasn't that person's fault.

Someone compared to to walking past a rape and kit stepping in. I'd compare it to knowing someone was choosing to behave so recklessly that they were deliberately putting other people's (plural) lives in danger - and on a regular basis.

@daretodenim yes that's my thinking - of course it won't be the OP's fault or responsibility if the FIL kills or injures someone. His choices and actions are all on him.

It doesn't mean however, that she won't feel something about it if it does happen - guilt most likely. And that's not fair on OP to be put in that position by her husband threatening to end their marriage.

Reporting is on balance the right thing, but the way this country is, no one will do anything about it.
And if needs the police, forget it.