Do I report my father-in-law for regular drink driving?

[misssapphire1992]

New to this but really need some advice! My father in law regularly drinks and drives. I refuse to get in the car with him (obviously) but his wife and son get in the car with him knowing he has drunk. My husband knows my views on this (my family were nearly killed by a drunk driver) but is not saying anything to his family about this issue and his nonchalance about this is frustrating. I could report him anonymously through Crimestoppers. The issue is, in yet another argument with my husband about this, I said if he doesn't address the issue with his Dad, I will report him myself. My husband said this is a breach of trust and would end our marriage! I don't want to cause issues in my relationship and cut myself off from the in-laws (other than this they are great), but, I feel so strongly about driving over the limit. What would you do?

I would, when something like this comes up for say benefit scamming and affairs etc I would say mind your business, but something like this that could literally kill someone I would feel guilty not, especially if something happened. I suspect you would need to call it in when he can actually be caught though? Otherwise there is no evidence.

100% report it. Police need to catch him. So ideally you could call and let them know it's a regular situation, be given a reference number, and then call back at a time when you know he's def under the influence and in the car / about to drive off - and let police know where he's driving from/to.
I did this with my ex - zero regrets. Cannot imagine how I'd have felt if I hadn't done it and they'd killed someone - awful.

And why does your DH think it's acceptable? What does that say about his moral compass?

To give him the benefit of the doubt, I understand it's his family, potentially he's worried about falling out with his mum.

But far better he still has a mum alive to fall out with!

PLEASE report this asap. Please do so when he is likely to get caught in the act and properly prosecuted. Chances are you can remain anonymous anyway.

I would and have done this. i also wouldn't be doing it annoymously either. I told the person in question their face that if they got behind the wheel I'd report them. They did, so I did.

I lost a close family member because of a drunk driver.

I'd report him.

But then i also think you have to be ready to tackle the issue in your marriage (which are basically down to very different ethical stance) and be ready to get divorced :(

May I ask what country you are in? You do know that in some places you are able to have a few drinks?

how much is he drinking?

I am sorry to say that I would not risk my marriage over this. It is highly likely he would get caught eventually

Obviously I think drink drivers are abhorrent and selfish people but now you have made your stance known then they’ll know it’s you.

unless you sort of sneak into the bathroom and call the police once he leaves you next time he’s had a drink but do he aware it needs to be over a certain limit

Yes report him. Imagine if he killed someone and the guilt you'd feel if you hadn't raised the alarm.

He doesn't think it's acceptable. His theory is there isn't any point saying anything (again) because his dad doesn't listen!

In England. He is drinking enough to be over the limit, sometimes a little over, sometimes a lot over.

Well remember if he is a big guy he could easily take two or three pints and not necessarily be over the limit. Even two glasses of wine.

m Also if he has eaten and how long after he drives are all factors

why not buy him a breatheliser

Breathalyser even

Sometimes it's not a question of if he is over the limit from just a few drinks. At times, he must be well over the limit given the amount drank and still drives. I don't think he would use a breathalyzer and if he did, and he was over, whether that would even stop him.

Given the length of time I have been on at my husband about this, and blatantly told the in-laws I don't want a lift because they've had a drink, enough is enough. Next time I see him drive drunk, I will call the police myself.

Surely it can't be as simple as just ringing someone and reporting drink driving otherwise people would be doing it maliciously all the time.

I would not report him but I'd speak to him directly about it (which never seems to occur to anyone who uses mumsnet).

I definitely wouldn't threaten my marriage over it. Perhaps accept that you cannot control what other people do. Hopefully he'll have a stupid accident without hurting anyone and lose his licence anyway.

Is it possible to speak to someone at the local police station about this? Maybe give them his reg number and where he regularly drinks -

Just one look at police photos of the carnage drink driving causes should be the reason you should report this tosser.
His family sound just as bad

It's not the OPs responsibility to sort this out. Making her look at grim photographs doesn't help anyone.

You should have just reported him and said nothing to your husband.

Although clearly it would be horrendous if he killed anybody, in reality one of the most likely scenarios is he could potentially kill your husband if he travels with him driving drunk regularly.

Can you talk to your husband about him being the responsible one and the designated driver who does not drink when he's out with his dad? From what you say, FIL sounds entrenched in his drinking, and his inability to see the danger, and I'm not sure you discussing it with your father-in-law will have any effect.

Please, please report him.

If OP legitimately reporting a crime means here marriage would be over it can't be much of a marriage.

Such a po-faced response!

OP you've got marriage problems due to this either way.

Your DH is prioritising his father drink driving over your marriage! He's even threatened your marriage would be over if you report!

But if you don't report and someone ends up dead or injured, would you ever be able to forgive yourself, and DH for not doing something to prevent it? I do t see how you could live without serious resentment towards him in that situation.

Your DH wants to protect his father at all costs. He's choosing to put his father's drink driving (remember, you're not complaining that he drinks, just that he drives when drunk) above your marriage.

You can't get out if this without some drama in your marriage, or possibly with an intact marriage. That's awful and unfair. But in the greater scheme of things, preferable to having the death of someone in your conscience.

But if you don't report and someone ends up dead or injured, would you ever be able to forgive yourself, and DH for not doing something to prevent it

I hope she would easily forgive herself as it wouldn't be her fault in any way. It would be 100% the FILS fault.