Do I report my father-in-law for regular drink driving?

[misssapphire1992]

New to this but really need some advice! My father in law regularly drinks and drives. I refuse to get in the car with him (obviously) but his wife and son get in the car with him knowing he has drunk. My husband knows my views on this (my family were nearly killed by a drunk driver) but is not saying anything to his family about this issue and his nonchalance about this is frustrating. I could report him anonymously through Crimestoppers. The issue is, in yet another argument with my husband about this, I said if he doesn't address the issue with his Dad, I will report him myself. My husband said this is a breach of trust and would end our marriage! I don't want to cause issues in my relationship and cut myself off from the in-laws (other than this they are great), but, I feel so strongly about driving over the limit. What would you do?

Sometimes it is a generation thing. I think drink driving is wrong and would report in a heartbeat. But when I had passed my test (a while ago) & was the designated driver & refused any alcohol I was ridiculed by my father who said pub landlords must hate me for not drinking something.

I would for certain! No point via crime stoppers they need to catch him in the act, crime stoppers can take a while to get through, you can phone the Police and request anon.

Do this. Going to the house would point the finger at you

Is there a pattern to eggnog it happens? Is it something you could report to them as a concern so that they can catch him without you having to make a specific call wt the time,
That way you would have plausible deniability when he is caught and it doesn't cause you countless issues in your marriage.

When it happens no idea why it says eggnog 😂

Do it anonymously or set something up so it doesn't cause problems for you later with your husband, eg if he drinks in a local regularly tip the police off that he will drive home himself.

Years ago when I was quitting alcohol I went to an AA group in London. Most of the people who attended talked about drink driving so i think it happens more often than we realise.

There’s no point reporting him when he’s sat a home doing nothing, it needs to be actively happening for the police to do anything.

Stop having a go at your husband for it. It’s not his fault and he can’t control his Dad. Continuing to try and make it your husband’s responsibility just makes you look crazy. Do you really think his Dad would stop just because his son had a word?

Breach of trust?

Driving while drunk is not only illegal, it's a breach of the social contract ie public trust. What a nob.

Have you spoken to your FIL about it?

@LightDrizzle it's possible we know the same people. I know a very similar situation and my mind always goes back to it whenever people talk about drink driving. A senseless, selfish waste.

I reported my FIL for drink driving with my (furious with me) DH looking on. FIL lost his licence and I lost a husband but I'd do it again in a heartbeat; there are just some issues you can't compromise on. Report him and seriously consider if you want to remain married to a man who will probably drink and drive himself eventually.

Absolutely mad advice.

This is NOT the OPs responsibility. To suggest she should be prepared to lose a husband is nuts.

Speak to your FIL then let it go and stop berating your dh, it's not his fault.

Yes I know. Hindsight!

I know it's not his responsibility, and I am not trying to make him responsible for his dads actions - not sure how that makes me look crazy! I do think he has a responsibility as a human to at least say something to his dad when he sees his dad prepare to drive over the limit. My husband doesn't agree with it, would never get in the car with him (we've had the ultimatum) and not do it himself (he rarely drinks). I haven't explicitly said anything to FIL myself, but husband has told him that I will not get in a car with FIL if he's had a drink.

Well maybe speak to your FIL or get your dh to drive him before you risk your marriage?

A report to crimestoppers is anonymous, they'd never know it was you so just deny. Any concerned person in a pub/bar/car park/road could have seen him driving and called it in.

The only thing I can suggest you do if you are worried about the fallout, would be to stop mentioning to anyone and act as if you’ve decided to give up on the situation.

Then after three months or longer report him anonymously. Act shocked and surprised.

I know any kind of deceit in a marriage is wrong, but if you are stuck between a rock and a hard place the lesser wrong can be the better decision. You would obviously have to weigh up the chances of your Fil having some kind of accident in the meantime, but I assume you’ve been aware of him doing this for a while now.

Please call the police the next time you know he's about to drive drunk, give as much info as possible (time, place, expected destination/route, make model and colour of car with reg plate) and request anonymity.

I lost a relative (innocent pedestrian) to a drunk driver (mounted the kerb). The ramifications still go on - family have depression and self harming due to the loss.

Dredel, your attitude makes me sick. Better to lose a marriage than a live human being.

There's no need for that at all.

It isn't the OPs responsibility. It's really unpleasant to suggest she'd be in any way responsible if her FIL killed someone. Her FIL would be completely responsible. Not the OP, or her DH.

Op has spoken to her FiL and her husband.

It's not much of a marriage if her husband forbids op from keeping his family and other innocent road users safe is it?

I was going to say this. The police will not go round his house and arrest him on the basis of an allegation. Neither will they lie in wait outside next time he is about to drive off after a few drinks. He'll only be caught if they pull him over because he's seen driving erratically in some way.

While I understand your anger and frustration, reporting won't do anything. You just have to hope he gets caught.

@Dredel I NEVER said it was OP "responsibility", I just asked her to call the police next time she knows for sure. How on earth you got the idea I was blaming OP for anything from my post I have no idea, your reading comprehension needs work.

And yeah your attitude that it's better to not risk her marriage than report does make me sick.

Before you report be sure he is actually drinking to over the legal limit. If he eats that will make a difference in the way his body processes alcohol. There are websites which will tell you how much the body processes in an hour and it can be quite surprising.

Some years ago we went to a wedding and DH would have been well over the limit after the meal. 3 hours later he was tested at a random checkpoint on the way home and no alcohol registered.

Be sure he is over before you report for the sake of your marriage.

Well I don't agree. I think talking to him directly would be far better. I don't see how the police would do anything anyway, they'd have to catch him at exactly the right time and place. If it was as simple as just ringing them and bam he loses his licence then that would be one thing, but it's so unlikely that they'd catch him (and also he may not be over the limit to the extent that the OP thinks) and then the OP is the one suffering.

And keeping quiet means somebody could be burying a child or he could be caring for a wheelchair bound dad