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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

Disappointed in my friend

49 replies

Mitsouko67 · 21/11/2022 12:57

I shared my recent cancer diagnosis with an old friend at the weekend and said I would love to stay in her holiday home as a temporary escape She rents it out as a long term let from her landlady.I paid to stay there recently and at the time she said she wd be happy to have me as her guest next time.

Today she messages to ask if I can cover light and heat costs at 1.50 an hour and 3 euro a day it wd be amazing.No mention of my health, offer of support.

I feel very disheartened.

It's not the money, it's that she has asked for it at all in view of the circs.

Have not responded as I have enough to deal with just now.

What would you do?

I know she struggles to make ends meet but this to me is not the time to ask for money.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 21/11/2022 13:00

I am very sorry to hear of your diagnosis however that does not stop the fact that your friend is hard up

if she doesn’t have the cash to cover you being there what do you expect her to do? Go without? Borrow money, take a loan?

im afraid even in your shoes I would not have expected my friend to suffer financially

Parpetrator · 21/11/2022 13:03

She's been more than reasonable. You've said yourself she's hard up. It's not her responsibility to financially support you. Maybe if she was rich she could.

MichelleScarn · 21/11/2022 13:04

So looking for 39 euros a day for your stay? Will you bring your own food and drink?

IntrovertedPenguin · 21/11/2022 13:06

It's not your friends job to financially support you. I'm sorry about your diagnosis but to expect others to pay for you isn't on.

TreacsPotNoodle · 21/11/2022 13:07

Surely this can't be serious Confused

You're aware she's struggling to make ends meet but you expect her to subsidise your stay???

Ihavekids · 21/11/2022 13:08

Offering to let you stay in her holiday home at mate's rates, losing her cash over having a profitable lodger is indeed a form of support.
I'm sorry to hear of your diagnosis but it doesn't automatically mean you're entitled to whatever you want.
I think she's been as kind as she can afford to be.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 21/11/2022 13:09

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis.

But to be honest, if a 'friend' of mine reached out to tell me this news and in the same breath made demands that I would struggle to afford, I would wonder what they valued me for: as a friend, or as a resource. It would have been politer to allow them to respond to your news and ask if there was anything they could do to help. That way you are not taking their agency and opportunity to be a generous friend away. If she has only asked for the expenses, and will potentially be turning paying guest away, I think you've done ok out of it.

StarlingC · 21/11/2022 13:11

Reverse.

MajorCarolDanvers · 21/11/2022 13:11

I know she struggles to make ends meet but this to me is not the time to ask for money

Sorry but if she struggles to make ends meet then of course she needs to ask for money.

MultiTulip · 21/11/2022 13:11

What would I do? I wouldn’t send such an emotionally manipulative message in the first place. ‘Got cancer, can I stay in your income source for free?’ And then you think she’s behaved unethically by letting you stay free and only asking for fuel costs?!

NoDairyNoProblem · 21/11/2022 13:13

This has to be a reverse.

KitchiHuritAngeni · 21/11/2022 13:14

I've also recently been diagnosed with cancer again

I would never even dream of sending a "I have cancer can I stay in your holiday home for nothing" message. How can anyone say no to that, its manipulative.

I hope you feel better soon, but cancer isn't an excuse to have everyone fawning over you and them taking a financial hit by doing you a favour.

Knittedfairies · 21/11/2022 13:14

I had a cancer diagnosis earlier this year - thankfully I've finished active treatment - but it didn't make me less responsible for paying my way. What I would do is respond with 'that's great! See you soon'

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 21/11/2022 13:15

Don't be daft, why should she pay for you because you are ill?

TinaYouFatLard · 21/11/2022 13:17

Got to be a reverse. Surely.

Generalmanageroftheuniverse · 21/11/2022 13:19

I'm sorry about your diagnosis.

Your friend was being reasonable.

Eleusa · 21/11/2022 13:20

Sorry about your diagnosis.

Your friend is being more than reasonable. By asking to stay you've effectively asked her for money as she can't let the house while you are there. Asking you to cover your own costs is perfectly fair, especially as she is hard up.

Knittedfairies · 21/11/2022 13:20

Oh, I do hope this is a reverse; no-one could be this self-absorbed.

Notonationalism · 21/11/2022 13:21

Sorry bout your diagnosis. I think it’s lovely that you have a friend who has offered you use of a holiday home for a pittance when she could be renting it out for much more.

DuchessDandelion · 21/11/2022 13:22

Am afraid I agree with the responses you've already had. Your diagnosis (which I'm sorry for) does not absolve you of your responsibilities. I also think it was rude of you to ask without clearly stating you'd pay for the privilege.

TabithaTittlemouse · 21/11/2022 13:23

You are either very rude or you are the person with the holiday home.

Cancer is shit but it’s not a free ticket.

Original poster
Mitsouko67 · 21/11/2022 13:30

Thanks all for your replies. I'm rethinking.
She's not renting it out much atm as it's the off season and she isn't advertising.

Something about her message felt off to me.

OP posts:
Venetiaparties · 21/11/2022 13:31

I am sorry you are dealing with cancer, but it does come across like you are using the diagnosis as an opportunity to use her place for a free. I don't think her message was abrupt, she may have been in a rush and wanted to let you know quickly.

I think you can be annoyed if she sends you another message and doesn't ask how you are - or the one after that - but clearly she does care and I am sure she expressed as much on the phone.

Can I ask why you are not replying?? She has made an amazing offer to you! You are being rude. Either reply and tell her why you are upset or confirm her kind offer. I hope she is not going to be massively out of pocket for this, how long do you intend to stay there for?

Venetiaparties · 21/11/2022 13:33

I wouldn't use my friends like this op. I would reply and offer a little more maybe?
Or are you annoyed she is charging anything?
Clearly you can not expect her to pay for you

Original poster
Mitsouko67 · 21/11/2022 13:37

I was thinking of 3 nights. She may be there at the same time.

In my mind it was something practical she could do to help and I felt ok about asking as property vacant atm.

She's an old friend and I told her in person.

OP posts: