Disappointed in my friend

[Mitsouko67]

I shared my recent cancer diagnosis with an old friend at the weekend and said I would love to stay in her holiday home as a temporary escape She rents it out as a long term let from her landlady.I paid to stay there recently and at the time she said she wd be happy to have me as her guest next time.

Today she messages to ask if I can cover light and heat costs at 1.50 an hour and 3 euro a day it wd be amazing.No mention of my health, offer of support.

I feel very disheartened.

It's not the money, it's that she has asked for it at all in view of the circs.

Have not responded as I have enough to deal with just now.

What would you do?

I know she struggles to make ends meet but this to me is not the time to ask for money.

Lots of us are living with cancer and/or know someone with the disease. Expecting free accommodation because of your diagnosis is disingenuous. Your friend is offering you a highly subsidised rate - you were obviously expecting a freebie. You are totally wrong and just because you are ill, doesn't mean your friend should cover your costs.

Today she messages to ask if I can cover light and heat costs at 1.50 an hour and 3 euro a day it wd be amazing.No mention of my health, offer of support.
I think it depends on her maths.

1.50 an hour 24/7 Plus an extra 3 euro? So 60 Euro a day for power?? That's more than covering your costs.

On the other hand she's barely making ends meet but you think it's OK to leave her with a potentially significant power bill if you're having lights, heating etc on most of the day and night and she should pay this because you don't want to?

I'm sorry for your diagnosis and I hope you're doing OK. I think you nerd to be clear with your friend you'll cover the basic extra costs of you living there

But you’ve only just told her about your diagnosis, she hasn’t had a chance to ask if she can do anything practical to help you? That’s if she was even going to!

If you can’t afford her offer or don’t want to then don’t, hopefully you can find an alternative you’d prefer.

You say she’s struggling financially and you’re asking for a favour which is going to cost her money. I know you’re having a hard time but she may be too.

WOW so many piling on the OP.
Sorry about the responses you’ve had so far. OP.
The Tory party members are out in force.
You deserve more caring friends.

I'm very sorry about your cancer diagnosis .

However you said your friend was struggling to make ends meet. She offered you support at the weekend, maybe she struggles to do that in writing.

I sometimes get accused of being blunt, simply because I am a practical person. I would not take offence at this request for a nominal amount so she is not out of pocket from your visit.

"She rents it out as a long term let from her landlady"

What does this mean? She has a landlady? So who owns the holiday home?

What's difficult to understand?

Her landlady.. obviously?

That's a bit shit for you. Its a shame that you didn't get the supportive response you needed to the diagnosis you shared - people don't always know what to say or do or how to be genuinely caring in response to a cancer diagnosis. Separate that out from the transaction of staying. She could probably afford it, or wished she could, when she offered, but is relying on that cash now. She is probably feeling a bit shit about it too. How much do you want the stay? I would let her off the hook by either saying warmly that you realise its too much to ask and will look elsewhere, or saying that you are able to pay the costs and appreciate her offer. I only say that because being magnanimous is a powerful position and disarming when a conflict has arisen. But if you are actually friends, rather than acquaintances, when that's sorted, be open hearted to further conversation if you think she is able to give you any emotional support. Or reach out to someone who can. I wish you well with your illness and treatment.

Oh, so the fried does not own a holiday home.

She rents a holiday home on a long term basis and then sublets it for extra income?

No, I didn't actually think that was particularly clear @JollyHolly30, but thanks for your cheeky response anyway.

The “off”ness will have been because you asked to stay in her property for free.
I’ve always found that when people make offers like she did, they don’t always mean you to take them in their word.

Her friend isn't saying "no you can't stay" she's saying yes stay but please help with the costs as she's skint.
She's hardly a bad friend! 😂
What is she suppose to do? Get into debt for op? That's op not being a good friend to her then.

You quoted her very clear sentence:

"She rents it out as a long term let from her landlady"

And said 'So who owns the holiday home?'

I don't think the problem here is how clear the OP made her post, but how well (or badly) you interpreted it.

It was confusing - does it mean her friend has a house she lives in and then rents a holiday home from someone for long periods of time? Or that she rents a house which, due to location you could class as a holiday home or is the landlady's holiday home but the landlady only lets to her.?

Thank you Riapia and Running for kind words.

Sending good wishes to all posters touched by cancer.

I think it is unlikely I will take up her offer as it doesn't feel right to me somehow.

I am not rude or self entitled /absorbed but I am putting my needs first now.

I am a good and generous friend and when chips are down was hoping that would be reciprocated.

Firstly I’m sorry you are dealing with cancer, However, reading you OP it reads as if you told your friend and immediately requested a holiday. I don’t think she is being unreasonable asking you to cover the costs - it’s not just heating and lighting - she will have to pay taxes and if it’s an apartment service charges, you can not expect to her to subsidise your break.

I think it all hinges on the fact that you said she is struggling to make ends meet.

But @Mitsouko67 you've said she can barely make ends meet and now you expect her to what, go into debt to let you live there for free? How is that reasonable?

What money is she actually asking for? How is she working out €1.50 and hour plus a standing extra €3?

More caring than not being able to afford to go into debt to cover the ops bills? If op stays at home do expect her friends to get out loans to pay her bills? Given ops has mentioned nothing about being unable to pay the bills, just that she doesn't think she should have to

@Mitsouko67 I don't think you are a good friend at all.

How could you even think that a hard-up friend should be made to struggle more financially just so that you can get what you want? Believe me, your entitlement means you are a really, really shit friend with absolutely no concern for other people's lives.

I'm very sorry to hear that you have cancer, and I wish you the best with it, but having cancer doesn't excuse terrible behaviour.

reverse

You know she's struggling. I don't think it's fair to expect her to subsidise your stay. Sorry.

I hope your treatment goes well.

Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had awful news about your health and can understand that you are feeling a lot of new emotions at the moment and are a bit vulnerable. However, I’d like to suggest that maybe you have got wires crossed with your friend. My reading of her message to you is that she would like you to pay for the light/heating per kW hour you use at 1.50 plus 3euros per day standing charge? This would add up to a much more reasonable amount. Why don’t you clarify this with her? You could take a meter reading on arrival and departure and easily settle up with her. Just a thought.

Why is it as soon as someone doesn't fund someone else's demands that the old trope 'you're a Tory' is trotted out?....
My pp of 39 either £ or € is a good deal for a holiday!

Sorry about your diagnosis, I'd be concerned that your reaction to that is clouding your judgement a bit, your friend is being reasonable, but you're feeling very raw.

Can you try to think of it in terms of paying light, heat etc there instead of at home, so it isn't really costing you to stay there.