Who would you 'blame'?

[Passedproblems]

If you found out that your husband was sleeping with a girl 12 years younger than him. So girl aged 15/16. Husband is 27/28.

Presumably you were the girl op?

Having been through a similar scenario people will tell you the husband, realty is it will be the girl who gets blamed.

It took me nearly 20 years to work out who was to blame in my case. Sorry if you are going through/have been through similar

Where is the dilemma?

In no circumstances is a 15 year old to blame in this scenario. The 15 Yr old is a child and the husband a rapist.

Did he know how old she was, are you the wife. Has his marriage broken up now.

Who are you in this op? The girl or the wife?

I was the girl, 20 years ago. He knew how old l was. He'd pick me up from school. He initially lied about his age and hid the fact that he was married. I found out 6 months in. I didn't leave then. He was my 'first'. I am mortified at what happened. I thought I was over it until I started unpacking some old boxes and the memories came flooding back. Im so angry. I don't know what to do about it. He is still married haven't seen or heard from him for at least 16 years. Maybe more. Can't talk about it in RL.

Can I ask, why is your question, who would you blame. Did his wife find out and blame you?

I'm so sorry op

@Bluntness100, yes I was blamed by his wife. I was young and very naive. I thought it was love. Same old story unfortunately.

You were not to blame, he lied about his age, he lied about his marriage and he knew you were too young and vulnerable. When his wife found out he probably told her that you led him on. You deserve so much better than men like this in your life, he doesn't deserve your tears. Would it help you to talk this over with your g.p or a therapist because you dont want to hold onto this anger and guilt. His wife is as bad as him, they sound well matched. Take care and be kind to yourself.

Scummy predator. Take care of yourself and think about how you have grown. Get angry, sure, maybe find someone in real life to tell. Keep living your life and be compassionate to yourself. It was no way your fault and would not have been even if you knew he was married because you didn't have the life experience or the power - he did.

You weren’t to blame, you were too young, but even if you weren’t, it was still his choice to be unfaithful. No one forced him

She’s married to a rapist cheat. Don’t be angry, that’s the prize she got. I assume she was an adult. Unlike you.

How awful for you. You were exploited and cannot be held responsible as he did everything to conceal the facts from you.

I remembered very recently (I'm well into middle age!) that as a teen a schoolfriend's father phoned me to say he was infatuated with me. I was so shocked I was speechless. He was almost retired so there was certainly no mutual attraction, though I often talked to him (before that!) at my friend's house as he was an interesting and educated man. Presumably he saw this as a come-on.

Posted too soon. I meant to add this with this recollection the feeling of shock and - yes, shame - even though I had done nothing wrong - came flooding back. Maybe you should find someone to talk it out with - feelings held in are always worse.

I am very sorry this happened to you. The blame is all his.

The husband. Fully.

1. For being the one that made and broke the marriage vows. For lying to you and her .

2.As an adult,he's an abuser . He didn't just cheat, he groomed and abused a child for months on end.

None of it was your fault.

He's the main one to blame and then the wife. You're to blame for NOTHING. Tell the police if it will help you get closure. Tell them anyway if you feel up to it. He raped you.

Were you 15 when it started? That's pretty cut & dried legally.
If you were 16 then it's legal but nasty.
Either way, it wasn't you at fault.

The wife blamed you - outwardly - likely because she was utterly ashamed and embarrassed by her H and his lack of loyalty. She was lashing out at you, because sometimes it is easier to do that than face the truth that the person you married is a waster.

Please don't blame yourself for this, you were a child and he was an adult man in a committed relationship.

There is no ethical question here.
He is at fault.
She is a minor and a child below the age of consent.
I would report to social services.

Just saw your uodate OP.

Can you access some counselling/therapy for yourself?

This was not your fault. He committed a crime.

x

There is a victim and a perpetrator here. the husband has committed a crime if she is 15. And even if she is 16, there is an abuse of power with the age difference here, she has been groomed into sleeping with him.

Were you 15 at the start OP? If so I would consider reporting it to the police if you think you might find that helpful.