Found the father of my children. Now what?

[bananarama79]

Hi, so basically I have not known the whereabouts of my children's father for 17 years, I tried to find him as both my kids are curious about where they came from.
The split was very nasty, he was very abusive and tried to strangle me when I was 20 was pregnant.
I slept on the floor in the spare room during my pregnancy as I kept disturbing his sleep with all my night weeing! He tried to take me away from my friends and friends and make me feel like I couldn't look after the kids on my own, I was unfit etc.
About 7 weeks after premature birth of my twins, he took one of the crying babies downstairs because they were both colicky and crying. He came back and threw him on the bed and told me the red mark on his face is where he bit him to stop him crying. And if I didn't stfu he would give him one on his other cheek.
The very next morning I left and called social services on him.
After a few months he got bored of social services and took himself out of the situation. But not before threats from his family and the police being involved.
Kids are nearly 18 and I told the kids snippets but never told them the whole story, i didn't want to make them feel bad about themselves in anyway (they were very difficult children lol) and didn't want them to think I was was trying to poison their minds about him.
So anyway, I gave up trying to find him ages ago, I rarely get the minimum about of child maintenance and only claimed that after about 8 years or so. So was shocked to stumble across his whereabouts totally out of the blue. He has a new family with a youngish child and have been married quite a number of years.

I'm really confused about what to do. I've always said the kids can do what they like with the info of his whereabouts, it's their choice and now they are old enough for me not to worry about them being stolen! I'm just worried about the impact it might have on his wife. On one hand it's been a long time and I do believe people can change. But on the other, what if this triggers him into a fit of rage and puts her or her and their children in danger.

I've known about this a few days now and haven't done anything yet. But I literally can't sleep with worry!

Any advice? Thankyou x

I take it your DCs sonr know you are aware of where he is? I'd keep quiet and let sleeping dogs lie. Your children are old enough to look for him themselves if they wish, I dont think you need to facilitate that.

Judging by his past behaviour, his wife and kids are at risk in any event.

What is your question? Is it about telling your kids? Do they know how he was with you and them? Have they expressed an interest in seeing him?

Hi thanks for replying!
They know I found him, they have always wanted to find him and I promised of I ever found out I would let them know.
We have a really good relationship and they will talk to me about most things.

I think I'm just unsure of whether to message her as he isn't on Facebook and I don't have any contact details for him apart from her. Or suggest to the kids that is what they do.

I only found him as she searched for me on LinkedIn. I presumed he would keep the kids secret in all honesty

Tell them everything. Tell them why you didn’t tell them before, but they are old enough to understand now. There is bound to be a SS file to back you up.

Tell your kids the absolute truth about him. They're old enough to know.
I'd say his current wife knows what he's like by now too. I feel sorry for her and their child.

Do the kids want to see him? Do they know he was abusive?

She has been searching you up. Doesn’t mean he wants contact with his kids. Also, he sounds horrible.

I think you need to tell your adult children the full circumstances before they contact him. Then they can make a choice.

How do you feel about the wife searching for you?

I very much doubt he’s changed.

I’d personally call social services, make an anonymous report about him, and let things play out. You’re not responsible for his response. He is.

Tell them everything.
They have the right to make a fully informed decision about contacting him.

Tell them everything, if you are giving them a choice it should be an informed choice.
And look after your mental health, if he comes back into their lives it is going to bring back some pretty difficult memories and feelings for you.
I just don’t think you should go there tbh , some things are best left in the past and no good comes from digging them up.
Good luck x

Also maybe do a Claire’s Law inquiry and see what that digs up.

Message her on linked in. 'Hi, you looked me up on linked in, so I'm guessing you want to know a bit about Bill's past, the twins and me. Happy to answer questions.'

There are so many reasons she could be interested- he could be abusive to her and D.C., D.C. could be ill and need a relative, she might just be nosy.

Just ask. A conversation will lead into asking about him.

Thanks all, The only thing I really haven't told them was which one of them he hurt, apart from some stuff they don't know about.

I had to as they blamed me thinking I had made him leave for no reason.

To be honest He hasn't bothered for so long I don't know if he would want contact or not.

There is deffo ss files and shows I did everything I had to and he didnt comply.

Got a million things going on in my head, maybe I just needed to vent, I'm not sure, so apologies if the question isn't clear lol! I'm not even really sure myself! 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

But I really appreciate the messages xx

@justilou1

Also maybe do a Claire’s Law inquiry and see what that digs up.

I stupidly didn't press charges at the time,l. Bitterly regret it now. I think they would only give the info to a current partner x

The wife may her own reasons to contact you. I also think it's time to tell your kids the truth. You did a brave thing to protect yourself and your kids, that's to be applauded x

Tell your kids everything that he did.
Maybe they can have access to their files?

Do not contact this man.

Maybe try to contact his current partner? Tell her you are happy to chat if she wants to.

Definitely contact social services, inform of his previous violence and the existence of SS files from all those years ago, tell them he now has another young child. Leopards don't change their spots.

Have you discussed any boundaries you’d want to set for contact? If it was me and those circumstances, I’d worry about him coming back in to your life through the children, wanting to be part of eg significant child birthday celebrations, weddings, grandchildren. Given his lack of interest in the children it would likely be more motivated by controlling/upsetting you than the children’s interests. I would be having a careful think about the limits I'd want to put in place for my own wellbeing, as that might guide the timing of sharing the information. If you think they are still too young to meet him independently, would it be better to wait a few years?

Similarish situation here, violent ex disappears never paid child support find new wife on fb when daughter 18. Message a very simple message and she replied he did exactly the same to her and her kids and now he is into the next. Leopards don’t change their spots.

This is a tough one op. My ds is nearly 18 so the same age as your twins. I agree that they are old enough to know the truth but it does depend on how you think the truth will actually affect them.
My ds is very sensitive. You know your own dc better than anyone in the world so you need to make that judgement.

Have they asked you which one of them he hurt? I think them knowing that may change their views of him, maybe not though.

It’s curiosity for them and is normal to pursue the missing part of their identity but I would be concerned as to the current wife’s “motives” for contacting you.

Is he in the local area?

Don’t rush into any decisions regarding telling the twins. I would contact the wife first to see if anything has happened for her to seek you out and go from there.

Just be aware that many men ( and women ) will paint a picture of their ex to be a crazy lunatic etc when actually they’re not so she may have some pre-conceived ideas about you. Best of luck

No they can give it to a third party too but I don’t think they will in these circumstances.

My query is why the SS haven’t been involved in his new family as he has previous of abuse to children.

I know one guy that gets flagged every time he enters a new relationship and if partners have kids with him they are contacted. It’s happened twice now in the last 15 years. He was also violent to his kids hence the flagging for others by SW.

I would go for full disclosure with your dcs and contact his wife first, with a simple message like Oct18mummy tried with her ex’s wife. He may have turned his life around. Unlikely though. Not that I’m excusing the abuse in any way. I’d be especially careful if your dcs are female.

What do your children want to do? Are they still keen to try and contact him?

Do not contact this man! Some suggestions here are odd

I would do nothing. Nothing. The children have nothing to gain from him

Order a takeout, sit them down at the table and tell them the full truth. Answer any questions they may have and ask them where they wish to go from here.

Can you message the wife on linkedin and ask if there’s any particular reason she searched?

I wouldn't let them go into that half informed. 😱 If they choose to seek him out they should know what they're getting into. Full disclosure or none. Someone like him could really steal their peace of mind at best or be dangerous at worst, and as young adults he might want to decide to involve himself and they might never be able to shake him off. If he ingratiates himself initially to win influence he could still really make a mess even though they are adults technically.