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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

Found the father of my children. Now what?

53 replies

bananarama79 · 27/12/2020 06:30

Hi, so basically I have not known the whereabouts of my children's father for 17 years, I tried to find him as both my kids are curious about where they came from.
The split was very nasty, he was very abusive and tried to strangle me when I was 20 was pregnant.
I slept on the floor in the spare room during my pregnancy as I kept disturbing his sleep with all my night weeing! He tried to take me away from my friends and friends and make me feel like I couldn't look after the kids on my own, I was unfit etc.
About 7 weeks after premature birth of my twins, he took one of the crying babies downstairs because they were both colicky and crying. He came back and threw him on the bed and told me the red mark on his face is where he bit him to stop him crying. And if I didn't stfu he would give him one on his other cheek.
The very next morning I left and called social services on him.
After a few months he got bored of social services and took himself out of the situation. But not before threats from his family and the police being involved.
Kids are nearly 18 and I told the kids snippets but never told them the whole story, i didn't want to make them feel bad about themselves in anyway (they were very difficult children lol) and didn't want them to think I was was trying to poison their minds about him.
So anyway, I gave up trying to find him ages ago, I rarely get the minimum about of child maintenance and only claimed that after about 8 years or so. So was shocked to stumble across his whereabouts totally out of the blue. He has a new family with a youngish child and have been married quite a number of years.

I'm really confused about what to do. I've always said the kids can do what they like with the info of his whereabouts, it's their choice and now they are old enough for me not to worry about them being stolen! I'm just worried about the impact it might have on his wife. On one hand it's been a long time and I do believe people can change. But on the other, what if this triggers him into a fit of rage and puts her or her and their children in danger.

I've known about this a few days now and haven't done anything yet. But I literally can't sleep with worry!

Any advice? Thankyou x

OP posts:
Footle · 27/12/2020 07:48

He may have told his new partner to find you - it may not be her own idea.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/12/2020 07:49

I only found him as she searched for me on LinkedIn. I presumed he would keep the kids secret in all honesty

She may be looking for an ally.

People do change - they grow up and they mature - but violent and aggressive people don't -because their behaviour suits them. (Not unless (say) it transpired that he had had a brain tumour which was removed, thus completely altering his personality for the better. the chances of this having happened are so remote as to be negligible.)

I would do as Walnuts suggested and message her on linked in.

ByersRd · 27/12/2020 07:52

I'd leave it until your DC's show more interest.

I wouldn't contact his wife either, you don't know her or how she might behave and what this would cause. She obviously knows you exist and that he has children.

I would contact SS, update them and ask for advice. Make a decision at that point.

Remember that once you update your DC's, there's no going back on what they know. Take your time to get this right.
Once you do update them, you can explain the decision making process had to be thorough to protect them.

totiredtocaresixk · 27/12/2020 07:56

I have been the child in this situation.

I wont lie and im sorry
To put this on you i always felt that my mam had a duty to know where he was for when i wanted
To find him. And whilst he has truly been a shit partner to
You and parent to your children at tje time, if you've brought your children up Right and he id an areshole they'll
See through and bullshit he gives them.

Personally id leave the wife think it will
Irritate the situation.

Honestly whilst initially when i met who i refer to as my biological i wanted more
From him than he was
Willing to offer but putting that aside
It did feel
Like it was a missing piece of my life i needed to know.

Im now mid 40s have his number in my
Phone. call once a year now was
More in the beginning but it was
Defo someone i needed to meet and make my own mind up about

RealisticSketch · 27/12/2020 07:56

Fwiw I think it is a massive massive mistake to create a way to let him back into your life and your kids lives. The only reason I would hesitate at all is because you made a promise and I don't think promises should be broken lightly.
I think you said in a pp they know that you know where he is... So if it was me, if be sitting them down, telling them the full story including strangling you etc, tell them you didn't want to tell them all when they were young. Show them how you have protected them and what you went through to do it. That you won't be fulfilling your promise after all. Hopefully they'll understand even if they're disappointed. If they seek him out themselves in the future at least they know.

PointyDragonPokingThing · 27/12/2020 07:58

@Fluffypyjamasandgin

Tell your kids the absolute truth about him. They're old enough to know. I'd say his current wife knows what he's like by now too. I feel sorry for her and their child.
Agreed
onetwothreeonetwothree · 27/12/2020 08:01

She's looked you up for a reason. Wouldn't be surprised in the least if she's done so because he's been abusive to her too. I'd message her and tell your kids everything.

Dowermouse · 27/12/2020 08:07

Speak to Woamns Aid, speak to Victim Focus, speak to Ss, but don't contact the woman who co tacted you and don't tell your children. When they are fully adult, they can make an adult decision about their relationship with him, but at 18 they aren't able to make an informed choice about their own safety.
I lived almost all of my childhood with the very real threat of serious violence from my father, luckily the police and Ss were able to help my mum untill he died. Don't put your children in a position where they have to make any choices.

stardustandroses · 27/12/2020 08:26

I agree, don’t contact her. Even if she is looking for information and/or an ally, eventually he will find out you have got involved and that might lead to horrible consequences. At the very least he might try and manipulate DCs. ByersRd suggestion to ask SS for advice is good. Promise or not, I would try and stay well away from any of it. You did such a good thing getting out when you did - don’t jump back in and ruin everything.

ShinyGreenElephant · 27/12/2020 08:27

Tell them every detail, show them SS files if needs be. Don't give them a way to contact him this young unless they're asking. I would make an anonymous report about him to SS just in case she was searching looking for an ally because abusers don't change. Disgusting man

Plasticfish · 27/12/2020 08:37

Don't contact her. Tell your kids what has happened and leave it up to them.

Sacredspace · 27/12/2020 08:38

I wonder if you would feel comfortable in supporting your children to contact social services with a view to them accessing their files? This would be handled sensitively by a social worker and give them the facts to make a more informed choice as to if and how to proceed.

Standrewsschool · 27/12/2020 08:42

Tell the the truth. If it’s easier, write it down, with copies of reports, address etc. Maybe wait until they’re eighteen - they may start asking questions then anyway.

LittleMimi · 27/12/2020 08:57

I really don’t think it’s poisoning them against him to tell the truth. You sound much more forgiving than me. If someone had treated me that way there’s no way I would be concerned about painting them in a forgiving way. They need to have all the facts. I don’t see how they could blame themselves or you for what happened if they’re reasonable people.

Personally I wouldn’t tell them that you know where he is. You didn’t give details of how you found him but it’s unlikely that they will be able to know that you’ve known about him. They’re old enough that they can find him if they want. If he hasn’t tried to get in contact then I wonder how he will respond. Maybe he’ll reject them and they’ll know what kind of person he is.

schoolcook · 27/12/2020 09:03

I've had a similar experience to you and my only advice would be do not assume that the message from his wife was actually written by her !!

I messaged back to say as far as I was concerned she could be him using her account and to leave me a phone number to call her on if it was actually her.

It was and she disclosed that he was wanted by police for abusing her children Angry

Original poster
bananarama79 · 27/12/2020 09:12

Again thanks to everyone for replying!

I'm definitely not doing anything at all at the moment, so won't rush into a mistake for anyone's sake!

Luckily he is about 300 miles away so I'm not worried about bumping into him!

I did consider sending her best mate a message to test the water but as I said, I'm not going to rush into anything, but another option!

I will give ss a call and see what they say, I was always told that the kids can have access to the files if they wish when they turned 16 (could of been 18) and they are aware of this!

X

OP posts:
Solasum · 27/12/2020 09:31

I think the children deserve to know everything. You can keep it very simple and dispassionate ‘when you were babies and crying Ex took you downstairs and bit you to make you stop crying, he did x and y. I did not feel I could keep you safe and I was worried he would hurt me so I left etc ’. Well done for your bravery In walking away Op. you have saved your children from a miserable childhood.

If I were the new wife I would want to know. PP’s message about notice you searched, let me know if there was any reason seems neutral to me. I wouldn’t give your phone number out just in case it is him though

Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 27/12/2020 09:36

Ask them if they want to know before burdening them with the truth and warn them it isn’t a pretty story:

thelegohooverer · 27/12/2020 09:42

I’m struck by your phrase “poison their minds”. This was a man who nearly murdered their mother (and themselves in vitro) by strangling, and bit a baby’s face. In a decent, civilised society someone like that would be locked away, not free to marry and ruin more lives. This isn’t a he-said-she-said situation with another side to the story. This is a dangerous and violent criminal.

However, 18 is mature in the eyes of the law but still very young in terms of emotional development. Brains aren’t fully developed until the age of 25 and at 18 people can still lack nuance in their emotional reasoning. I was studying Wuthering Heights and Macbeth in school at that age and fully convinced that Heathcliff and Macbeth were just misunderstood Hmm

I think, it is unlikely that your ex poses a physical risk to your twins now. But he still poses a credible risk to you, and likely an emotional risk to them.

I would be making it very clear to them that, while they can contact him if they wish, they need to be very careful not to give him your location (either directly or digitally)

It might be useful to them to talk things through with a counsellor because at 18, it can still be a bit black and white. There’s a psychological phenomenon known as the just world philosophy where people come to terms with awful events by reasoning that bad things happen to bad people. It’s not as blunt as I’m putting it, putting it explains the tendency towards victim blaming.

Then there’s the need to come to terms with the fact of being closely related to someone so monstrous, and what that means for their own dark impulses. I think it would be helpful to get them talking with someone who is aware of the psychological patterns in processing this sort of information.

TheRealJeanLouise · 27/12/2020 09:54

I think first things first OP, you need to get hold of as much written information from the authorities as you can. All SS files, police reports, the lot. Then present your DC with the full story so that they are 100% informed, with evidence to back it all up. Then you can give them the info on where he is and how to get to him. From that point onwards the ball is in your DCs court and the best thing to do is to just take a step back but support them.

I’m sorry for what that creature did to you and your children Flowers

dottiedodah · 27/12/2020 10:17

I think it is best not to do anything TBH. He sounds utterly abusive and unhinged! I appreciate his wife may be looking for an Ally ,but you risk dragging yourselves and DC into trouble .You got yourselves out of a very difficult situation completely by yourself ,and she will have to do the same !

justilou1 · 27/12/2020 10:34

Jesus! I think you’d be mad to contact him at all!!! Why would you want your kids near anyone who is dangerous? This concept of “poisoning their minds” is his voice not yours... this is the power of gaslighting. You have been protecting them!!! The guy is a psychopath who bit a baby’s face!!!

justilou1 · 27/12/2020 10:36

Btw, you don’t owe his wife anything at all. I think maybe you could contact SS and discuss with them whether a Claire’s Law search would be useful for her... but you need to be loyal to your kids first.

mathanxiety · 27/12/2020 19:18

My query is why the SS haven’t been involved in his new family as he has previous of abuse to children.

@Dullardmullard, the answer to that can depend on many factors:
How long ago was the initial contact and are all records electronically filed and available?
Were the police ever notified?
Was a crime ever investigated by the police?
Is there a criminal court record?
Do the social workers in different counties communicate with each other?
Do SS in NI, Wales, Scotland and England communicate with each other?

justilou1 · 27/12/2020 23:15

How do you know they haven’t?

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