Being widowed - just the norm?

[Mischance]

I just wanted to float this thought .......

Elderly widows are the norm - most women outlive men and there is a whole army of women facing their latter years on their own.

I just wanted to say that although they may be a common sight and a normal expectation it is important not to underestimate the pain that they are suffering. They pick themselves up and carry on often because they do not want to be burdensome to their family nor worsen their AC's loss.

Losing your other half, your soulmate, just at a time when gradual physical losses with ageing are inevitable is hugely challenging. And when having that partner by your side has been so longstanding the challenge is even harder.

If sometimes they feel to you as though they are a nuisance or demanding or unwilling to listen to advice or just plain sad, please do not forget the pain that they are covering up hour by hour.

I know that there are many mumsnetters who absolutely get this, but there are so many threads here where elderly widowed mothers are seen as a burden. Please do not forget how sad they often are and the energy it needs to rise above this at a time when energy is waning.

I do however know there are elderly parents who are difficult personalities and always have been so understand how difficult this must be and that sadness is no excuse for bad behaviour.

That mass of lonely women who are trying to pick up their lives and stay positive may be the norm numerically but that does not mean their pain is any less.

I have seen women though in bad marriages get a new lease of life after their husband dies.

Most just hide their sadness. I do think that is true. And there is something rather sad about them having to do this and not being able to be their true selves.

Expectations not to rock anyone else's boats are strong.

But you’re at liberty to flout those expectations. Actual friends will cope. Widows are not some tiny minority group to which something unimaginably unlucky has happened — as we get older, they’re pretty much the norm, given make and female life expectancies. I appreciate that for young widows it’s far harder.

No people don't. They are fine with you being sad for a bit, and then expect you to move on.

That's the point the OP is making. Just because it's the norm doesn't make their grief less.

@GramercyPark "But you’re at liberty to flout those expectations. Actual friends will cope."

No they don't. Married friends really have no idea at all. I experienced that when I was suddenly widowed. My DH was only 47, so not even elderly. I was speaking shortly afterwards to a reasonably close friend about it (although I wasn't going on and on) and she told me that her mother had died the previous year quietly in her sleep at the age of 96. So she knew exactly how I felt. She then proceeded to tell me what a rock her wonderful husband was. This is just one example of quite a few similar comments from friends. You realise there's no point. The only ones that truly understand are other widows.

My mum was widowed when I was 13. I felt an extreme need to try and protect her. It was not easy but she got through it and learned so much and became so independent and strong.

She used to rely so much on my dad for many of the traditional things. But she adapted really admirably.

@ginasevern my parents died in a car crash. I got fed up of people who had lost very elderly parents saying they understood. I don't understand what widows go through. But losing your youngish parents suddenly traumatically is noth8ng like a very elderly parent dying. Some people have no imagination

I'm so sorry LemonMoose, I really am. I know grief isn't competitive (as they so often like to say on Mumsnet) but of course there are hugely differing degrees of pain and tragedy. My parents died when they were relatively old, which is part of the cycle of life. Your parents dying young and in heart breaking circumstances is worlds apart. I agree with you, I don't know how people can be so self absorbed. And often the ones you least expect.

Well, they aren't always losing a soulmate are they? Sometimes they are losing the person who has held them back for years.

I'm not sure that modern women do have a full life outside of marriage and kids. So many of them are utterly frazzled trying to juggle childcare, full time jobs, looking after elderly relatives and their own homes (it usually falls to them). And all whilst trying to cope with the cost of living crisis. Realistically, are things that much different for women today?

My DM was 51 when my dad died at 54. She kept working and to the outside world, coped very well, managing the house and holidaying with friends etc. Eventually meeting someone else several years later (who caused a head on collision with her in the car and killed her at 69.)
My MIL lost FIL in her 80’s and was in care within six weeks. She was never a coper. Didn’t know who they were with for electric, couldn’t open her own mail, had never paid a bill in her life. Almost childlike in her ability to do anything practical. Hardly ever mentioned FIL after his death , just diagnosed with dementia and now just seems to be waiting to die.
Sad all round.

I know what it’s like to be alone. I also know what it’s like to juggle life, family and put everyone first. I wasn’t being glib and have plenty of empathy. The OP was talking about leaving out a widowed MIL. I don’t have a partner any more, but make sure I have friends and family who want me around. I’m often alone but don’t feel lonely. I’m sorry for those that do.

Of course we love and welcome them. I would never treat any of my family without love and respect, and hope I bring my kids up better than that. Lots of us also make a point of inviting and helping other widows (and widowers) to things. As kids, we were always told to go and help neighbours and most people still do things today. Over lockdown, a lot of people dropped off things for old people who lived alone.

Thank you for saying this. I lost my husband of 50 years - I was only 20 when we married. I have never lived an adult life without him. I am exhausted at the end of every day simply from trying to be "normal" - when I don't even know what my new "normal" is. I don't want to upset y grieving children. I don;t even know how anyone recovers a life for themselves after this.

My mother has been married five times. Her most recent she’s managed to keep for 25 years. I have not spent a Christmas with her for any of those 25 years, because of her husband. She has consistently put her men in front of her children for the whole of her life. When her husband dies (he’s not very well) if she suddenly expects me to welcome her into my everyday life with open arms, she’s sorely mistaken. You reap what you sow.

I have a close family member who is very deep into her grief nearly a decade later and will remain so because it is always there and raw for for her and another family member who bares her pain silently but still clearly has grief.

I have no problem with either way of being because of my degree of relationship and I’m quite comfortable sitting with either and discussing their emotional experiences but I do know closer relatives really struggle with the emotional off loading of the first woman because she puts huge emotional pressure and emotional demands onto them.

That unfortunately means people do pull back because people only have so much emotional energy to give one person and they have other people in their lives that require that energy too. There are lots of experiences in life that cause profound pain, losing the love of your life must be pretty up there.