Being widowed - just the norm?

[Mischance]

I just wanted to float this thought .......

Elderly widows are the norm - most women outlive men and there is a whole army of women facing their latter years on their own.

I just wanted to say that although they may be a common sight and a normal expectation it is important not to underestimate the pain that they are suffering. They pick themselves up and carry on often because they do not want to be burdensome to their family nor worsen their AC's loss.

Losing your other half, your soulmate, just at a time when gradual physical losses with ageing are inevitable is hugely challenging. And when having that partner by your side has been so longstanding the challenge is even harder.

If sometimes they feel to you as though they are a nuisance or demanding or unwilling to listen to advice or just plain sad, please do not forget the pain that they are covering up hour by hour.

I know that there are many mumsnetters who absolutely get this, but there are so many threads here where elderly widowed mothers are seen as a burden. Please do not forget how sad they often are and the energy it needs to rise above this at a time when energy is waning.

I do however know there are elderly parents who are difficult personalities and always have been so understand how difficult this must be and that sadness is no excuse for bad behaviour.

That mass of lonely women who are trying to pick up their lives and stay positive may be the norm numerically but that does not mean their pain is any less.

I agree OP. My mum (84 now) lost my dad over 4 years ago. She was actually a lot more resilient than I would have expected (they met when she was 17!) and has managed pretty well. My sister and I support her a lot, do all her admin, take her out to eat, go to the theatre regularly etc but she manages quite well otherwise and gets herself out of the house as much as possible. She still talks about dad quite a bit which is a good thing, in this way we keep him as very much a part of our lives still and always will.

She does get very low at times and we just try and suggest things to do - she often doesn't want to take advice and prefers to just deal with things herself but she always manages to pick herself up and still gets some enjoyment out of life. I do feel incredibly sad for her though, it was such a new life to have to undertake at nearly 80 and losing dad was a shock as he was only ill for a very short time.

My mil was widowed nearly 2 years ago after 65 years of marriage. Despite being 90 herself she has adjusted really well, so far she's managing the house etc . My hubbie is her only family left now , he does what he can , but his health isn't great after 45 years of smoking

My mum hated my dad and resented being a carer for him. Her life was awful. When he died, she was so relieved, but she was mentally and physically exhausted.

Depression in older women is overlooked and they are just seen as difficult

individual cases of “mum was fine” misses the point that on the whole there are many older women living with depression and few friends and family to call on for support

might be better under the feminism chat

My mum outlived my dad by almost 25 years. He was 10 years older than her and the last 10 years of his life were marred by failing health. She was his carer with me chipping in a little. She was a remarkably strong, stubborn and independent woman, no doubt having had a pretty rotten young life. However the last years of her life were awful as her health failed and she lost her independence and became more and more dependent on me, her only child. She was miserable and she made my life a misery. It was an awful time. By then she was in her late 80s. Me and my children were the only family left, not that it had ever been big. By the time she died at aged 95, there were no friends or family left apart from me and my 2 children. I’m sure she was lonely in those years and, in the years when she was still well and independent, she still relied on me for company. In the last months of her life, the only person she wanted was her brother. He was 4 years older than her and had died almost 30 years previously. She’d been there in the last days. She asked what happened to him and why he didn’t come every time I visited her in her care home. Broke my heart.

I do think she was lonely in those years of widowhood, not that she would have admitted it. She wasn’t quite 70 when dad died. But throughout their marriage, she cared for him and for me so the house must have seemed empty and her role gone. It was some years later that I had my children. By then she was too old (nearing 80) to be a particularly hands on granny and certainly anything more than minimal babysitting wasn’t a good plan. A sad time really.

My DM was widowed in her mid 50s. She had retired to care for DF (cancer) until he died a short while later. In her mind DF was turned into a paragon of virtue. She missed this idealised version of him desperately.

Now she is in her mid 80s with late stage vascular dementia living in a world populated by ghosts. She has retreated back to childhood, a time before she knew DF

My Mother was widowed twice at 53 and at 80. She was fine emotionally because she lived near 4 of her children. She also divorced twice. She did suffer money wise at 53, I was only 12 and remember it well.

She said she had never had a ‘great love’ I actually think having a very long loving marriage or relationship is dangerous for the soul, mind, the psyche in general for the remaining partner. She was fine because she never had a man who was the real love of her life. I remember her really going on about it once to myself and a friend when we were in our early twenties and not to expect to find it. We both did fortunately.

@Wishimaywishimight Mum had only known one type of life as an adult, it’s what I mean, a whole life relationship. I think getting together very young for a whole life relationship is lovely but increasingly rare. I imagine it would make it harder if it’s all you have ever known.

I agree to some extent, but do think everyone has a responsibility for themselves. If you cherish friends and activities outside of your marriage, you won’t be lonely. Yes, it’s sad when someone is alone that doesn’t want to be, but my darling step mother has been ‘alone’ for over 20 years and is such a pleasure to be around that she’s never without company. You reap what you sew.

I think that what I am trying to say is that what you describe is what most widows do - they take responsibility for themselves and cherish friends and activities and go out of their way to be good company - but that this is often hiding unremitting pain and sadness that they do not want to load on others. It is a daily challenge for so many that goes unnoticed because these widows know that they have to find a way of carrying on that does not impinge adversely on those around them. The pain is still there though - they carry that till they die in spite of the facade that they present to others.

Thank you, I really needed to read this today. I moved back to my parents' house a few years ago due to life circumstances, it was supposed to be short term but I ended up staying and helping care for them both. We lost dad four years ago after they'd been married 62 years. Sometimes it feels as though she takes out her pain on me, I lost my wonderful dad but have not been allowed to grieve. I do everything for mum including taking her away on holidays and meals out but I know it doesn't make up for the fact that she's lost the love of her life. Sometimes when I feel she's directing her anger at me I need to remember that she doesn't mean it.

"You reap what you sew". Bloody hell, what a glib comment! No amount of friends can replace the person you shared your life with for 40 or more years. The person you raised children with, went to bed with every night, who was always there to "do nothing" with and the person you were most intimate with. In fact you can barely remember a time when they weren't a part of you. And very few women have the opportunity to carve out dazzling independent social lives. Most of the childcare, housework/admin and caring for elderly relatives almost always falls to them and they may have been juggling all that whilst working full time. They usually put themselves last in the pecking order where money is concerned too. I'm delighted your step mother is living her best life but to shame other widows who don't have packed social diaries shows a complete lack of empathy and understanding of the impact of widowhood.

My Step Mother was widowed three years ago. The first year everyone is very supportive and understanding. I think my Step Mother would say that subsequent years have been harder. She occasionally feels quite lonely and sad, however, she also feels that she should have “moved on” by now. I know that she occasionally feels that she is a burden (to her family and society). There was a local group she liked going to for the social connections but this closed six months ago because of funds. As a family we are close and it must be harder for those who don’t have any support.

That must be so hard for you. It is what us widows try to avoid doing but we are all only human I guess.

The concept of moving on feels so superficial. We all have to move on... what other choice is there? ... but the pain doesn't not move on ... it is firmly lodged inside and stays there for ever regardless of what good things happen on the outside.

I think you've made a fair point. I was widowed in middle age, so not quite the same. But I remember someone I knew thinking that grieving took one year and saying I'd coped well after that time, but I found the first three years the worst.

I know I'll find it hard supporting my mum though. (She will likely be the one to be widowed.) As she mistreated me as a child and mistreated my dad. She's looked for sympathy her whole life, even though she's had a pretty nice life. I just don't like her as a person, so won't be the best person to support her. She was no support to me when I was widowed either. Too busy looking for sympathy for herself to support me.

I’m not the poster you’re responding to, but that’s not what I’m saying. Don’t hide your sadness. If you feel it, show it. It’s not your job to be the Widow Perky.

ETA But also, not everyone is unremittingly sad. Some women are relieved, resentful, just exhausted, or spent so long trimming themselves down to suit a spouse that they have no idea who they are.

What a thoughtful post OP. My DM always talked about not wanting to be a burden, I used to tell her she was never a burden but she was sometimes a responsibility, and that was fine.

I did my best but I still wish I’d been kinder and recognised when she might have been lonely.

That’s not my experience of widowhood. I hate that word by the way. I was in my late 40s when my husband died, an almost unbelievable 8 years ago now. I have plenty of friends and family, a busy life even though I’m retired and many interests. It’s easy to find someone to do something with. But there are still times, be it an evening, and afternoon, a weekend or whatever, when I miss having someone to do nothing with. That easy, comforting feeling of silence, but being with someone. Not being alone. You’d never know that from being with me though :)

I think some people who haven't experienced being widowed like people who have to appear to get over it ASAP for their own convenience.

That sums it up so well. Especially the bit about "you would never know it" ......

I do understand that if a relationship had been poor or abusive then widowhood might come as a relief.

But where there has been a good (or even good enough) relationship the gap is huge and lasting. A permanent internal burden however good the facade might appear.

Yes, I think we are seeing the last of a generation of women who perhaps didn’t have a full life outside of marriage. That’s a generalisation, I know. My mum who would be 90 now did have a career she loved but did not learn to drive, nor did a lot of her female friends. These norms change over time from one generation to the next.

There are so many things in life that can cause a pain that is firmly lodged inside and stays there for ever regardless.
Death of a child, an adult child going to prison for a bad crime. Becoming suddenly severely disabled after an accident - the list can go on and on.

Are you thinking about widows specifically because it is a female issue?
Or is it because statistically very many of us will have to face this in the end, including you?
What is your interest in widows?

My MIL was never the same again after FIL died. She had lot of friends but over time attended all their funerals as she was the last one standing. It must be horrendous to not only be left on your own but to then see your friends pop off one by one.

Oddly, both of my Grandads were widows, neither had a friend network and they lived such a lonely isolated life plus not having a clue how to cook, clean, pay bills etc as that was all 'women's work' back in their day.

You are of course right OP that it’s important to support widows (and widowers) and it must be terrible and wrenching transition after a long marriage.

However just to give a different perspective, my Mum (in her 80s) says that all her widowed friends are having the time of their lives. Having moved from their parents’ homes, straight to their martial home this is the first time most of them have ever had complete freedom and control over their time, money and choices.

It’s not that they don’t miss their husbands, of course they do, but for the first time they can decorate as they like, cook what they like, have control of the remote, choose the holidays they want etc etc.

I think that making the most of their lives now is a great approach.

A recently widowed family member said to me “we never planned for this” when her DH died. I think we all need to have contingency plans for our lives as none of us live forever.

I agree with this. Having friends and keeping busy does not take away the enormous loss. I remember one widow saying to me, you have to get on with it as no one wants to be around someone who is sad all the time. So most just hide their sadness.