Friend reported me to Social Services

[RainbowPeppercorns]

I have been a carer to my elderly parents for many years now. They are both in their early nineties and Dad has just been diagnosed with a terminal condition that means he probably doesn't have long.

Until a few weeks back he was in a care home whilst we made adaptations to their home with some assistance from Occupational Therapy.

He is now back home. We are nursing him in bed as he can't really get up.

It has been such a difficult time. Unfortunately there have been some clashes with my mother over his care. She used to be a GP and has always been very vocal and forthright. They also didn't have a particularly easy marriage. There has been verbal conflict and I ended up throwing stuff around and walking out.

All OK now, apologies etc. She still believes she did nothing wrong by shouting and screaming at me over a tiny thing but I understand as we are both suffering anticipatory grief.

I've been confiding in and leaning on a friend of many years. He was a social worker but had a nervous breakdown and left the profession. Unfortunately he has rang Social Services and told them I have been violent towards my parents.

The police have been to take a statement and my Mum is totally horrified and insisting she doesn't want me prosecuted. Adult Protective Services are investigating.

The case worker told me who reported me. Apparently they are legally obligated to do so.

I haven't spoken with friend yet but I feel really let down.

Spidey senses or not, people who say that he is obliged to report it or has s legal obligation to do so are plain wrong. I too have worked in the public sector, Nhs community elderly rehab and care, and have had the training. As I have slready posted, legal obligation ends when employment ends unless you maintain your registration and CPD which is difficult snd expensive once retired.

You’re being a pedant. When posters are saying obliged, they don’t necessarily mean the man will get in trouble legally if he does not. “Obliged” could totally apply to his morals too. You have researched the dictionary definition of obliged?

Your 'friend' is an absolute c*nt.

Would the mum have had some fear? Or would she have seen someone (her daughter) have an almighty strop?

Without the OP telling us her mum was scared it is unfair to think of this as abuse without fact. Am not keen on filling in the gaps with 'what if's'.

I really hope the op gets some support..

It is relentless caring for people with terminal illnesses in their 90s, where it sounds as though she's already done it for some years.

This is often characterised by very little sleep, continual being 'on duty', very little time off, and also having all the issues of caring for parents, which is completely different to professionally caring for someone else (when you can go home at the end of a shift).

It IS relentless. Additionally, in the mix, you have a professional woman who is also extremely elderly, who is worried about her husband and, no doubt, about her own health and her child's ability to cope.

Also, family carers are often characterised as being 'at fault', when it is purely the result of normal family relationships within a pressure cooker-like environment.

I hope OP gets some help and also some urgent respite.

He could have told op that he will be reporting her.

A safeguarding report does not need evidence, you are reporting that you are concerned.

It's reasonable to be concerned that elderly and vulnerable people might be intimidated by their carer shouting and throwing things, I think.

How about morally obligated?

Very few people are legally obligated to report abuse they witness or hear about, but I've always assumed most people still would report it if they saw a kid or a vulnerable person being hurt.

They are you so focused on legal obligation? Just because you can ignore someone being abused, doesn't mean you should.

Absolutely this. There is something odd going on here

What did you throw OP? A bit of laundry thrown on sofa different to throwing plates.

Absolutely and where would social services be then? They'd have to do the caring or organise it. OP I think you should massively scale back your support and be honest with SS about what assistance your parents need, that you can't provide. I run my own support business in Australia and Age Care pays for carers/nurses/cleaners to come into the home and do what you have been doing. You are in carer stress and need some help. England must have age care services in the home? Perhaps SS can do the referrals and sort this out for you.

I am focussed on it because others have said thst he is legally obligated because of previous employment, that basically he “could not have done anything else”

Other posters have actually used tge term “legally obliged”

Op, are you coming back?

This. MN is full of people who expect perfection. You see it all the time. If I was at rock bottom, I'd certainly never come here for support.

OP - I wouldn't share anything with your friend (or anyone else). You just never know who has your best interests at heart. If anything escalates, your mum and dad won't have you for support at all, and I'm sure that will be more damaging.

I have actually made a safeguarding report a few years ago. It was a close relative who hit their children with a wooden spoon to punish often very trivial things. The bankrupt Council had no interest, made every excuse to justify it and close the case. Pillar of the community types and seen as cultural. No interest.

Having said that, I’d not report a friend who confused in me thay they struggled, smacked their child, threw a toy and felt awful etc.

It obviously depends on the exact circumstances but how on earth are people supposed to seek support if they’re terrified of being reported? I can’t fathom not offering help/suggestions (like self-referral) to a friend or family member first, especially if you’re a trained social worker.

Social services might close the case with no or minimal intervention, or you could be dragged through police, courts, separated from children. Things don’t always have to be black and white.

A few people have challenged me on here about my factual statement that a retired social worker usually will have no legal obligation to make safeguarding reports.
"Aha" they say "but what about a MORAL obligation"

Well I don't buy that as a broad argument to defend a choice of action.

People's morals and eithics are personal things....beliefs and opinions... and thus any obligation they feel to follow them are variable, both in type and degree. Sometimes their moral stance will result in actions which are practically positive, sometimes not. Sometimes actions resulting from a moral stance can be catastophic.

Just as SS don't have the capacity to visit every family where mums (or dads) shout loudly and throw things down when they are highly stressed or not coping, they don't have the capacity to deal with carer stress, MH issues, loneliness and suicidal thoughts that happen to many when caring for many for prolonged periods.

It's not just families that crack, my relative had two carers at different times that reached the end of their tether, one stormed out and one started crying after spending two hours clearing up bedsheets and the person covered in shit and they then had an accident immediately afterwards, and moved about covering everything all over again. Should they have cried? No, they were professional but in that moment, the demands of the job were overwhelming. My relative was very difficult and out of control a lot of the time, that's stressful. Doubly so when it's your relative that's dying.

How much harder to be the carer of your family who might be just as difficult as when you were younger, but now they are very old, can't hear what you say, may have cognitive decline/dementia, may ask the same thing 1000 times, may disagree with everything you do and so on.

No-one turns into a saint in these situations, not the carer and not the person being cared for (I've been both).

That's not to say genuinely concerning situations shouldn't be reported, but to me, raised voices, throwing down some things and storming out isn't that. I've done that with my teens for starters when their behaviour was unbearable.

Things I'd be concerned about would be cruelty, mishandling (like being too rough), over medication to get people to sleep/sedate them, ignoring basic needs, and any type of bullying (sounds like the OP's mum was shouting at her, this again is normal in older adults, indeed all adults, lots of people shout!) Beyond that, clearly physical harm, putting people at risk of falling.

SS are highly motivated to continue family care, it's much cheaper than going into a home for them, and some homes also suffer from the above problems, especially over-medication as it's very difficult to manage lots of very old people with few staff and that's one way to do it.

Even if the OP never comes back, it's interesting to think about this, and to decide what you would and wouldn't do (I'd be very concerned for my friend and try to get more support for them).

That's just mean.

Yes I am coming back and no, I am not a troll despite my creaky joints telling me otherwise this morning. I haven't had the opportunity to sit down and read everything.

Yes but to report your 'friend' to SS when they confided in you rather than maybe trying to see if the elderly person is actually genuinely safe would be better. It's true she shouldn't have thrown so wrong but would it be normal for someone to call SS on your mate if they threw something in front of their teen? I'd try and speak to them first.

The whole thing depends on what your outburst looked like really, i wouldn't want to pass judgement without knowing the facts, all i will say is your friend may or may not have had reason to report you but that would depend on how much information you gave him, and how he perceived it, only you will know if he's still a good friend who just did what he thought was right or whether he's a friend that overstepped the mark and needs sidelining.

It is incredibly difficult to be a carer of tge elderly

Unless you have done it yourself

Parent / child / relative role reversal

I sympathise

@RainbowPeppercorns
If you call that a "friend" who knows how it's been for you
Be hating to see your enemies
A Smug snitch
Comes to mind