Supporting an elderly mum with anxiety without getting overwhelmed ourselves

[Wishimaywishimight]

My mum is 84, widowed 5 years ago. She has been doing really well, coped much better than expected living alone. Pretty mobile, fairly active - goes shopping, goes to an exercise class once a week, visits nearby relatives etc.

In recent months though she is getting increasingly anxious, worries about every little thing even though my sister and I do all her admin and see her once/twice a week.

She did speak to her GP a few months ago and he put her on Xanax but she found it made her really really sleepy and so just stopped taking it after about a week. She hasn't been back to the GP.

I love her to bits and feel terribly guilty about feeling impatient about listening to her going on and on and on about every tiny thing. My sister takes it very hard, always trying to 'help', 'fix' every situation but it's never enough because the root problem, the anxiety, is still there. I confess that I just don't pour myself into the situation to the extent that sis does. I am sympathetic, I try to help but if mum won't go back to the GP then what we can do is limited and I'm tired of worrying about her.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to help mum while also helping me and sis not become too bogged down in the situation? My sister is on anxiety meds herself and to be honest I've been thinking of going down this route myself but I don't want to as I don't feel that, generally speaking, I'm anxious. I just dread phoning mum or any conversations with sis about mum. Again, she's been a good mum, a lovely person and I really love her very much and want her to feel better.

@Mary46I have pretty strong bounderies for the most part. My (older) sister has always been closer to mum and mum leans on her more than me. My sister lives alone so mum tends to visit her in addition us visiting mum.

Definitely contact her GP. Anti depressants would be a more appropriate treatment

@SulgariI will, that does make sense.

Long weekends are hard she goes into panic mode if other sister away. It is draining long term. I can only do so much. I dont bring her away as she quite negative.. other sister kids young so she steps back from it

@Mary46 Neither my sis nor I have children so we do have that time available (I am married, sis is divorced). I do sometimes feel that I should visit more but honestly, hand on heart, I don't want to. I didn't have children because I didn't want them - I never felt any sort or urge, I just couldn't see my life with children. I have always had some sort of innate feelings that I don't want anyone depending on me, I don't want the responsibility of another person. It sounds hard I know but even the thought of mum living with me/us or being a 'carer' for her makes me panic.

Yes, of course.

During the first year she lost track of how to run her finances, fortunately she had done a POA for me a few years earlier so I could help her. And she always forgot appointments. Apart from that she put on a pretty good show of being independent.

Then things deteriorated further, she could not remember how to prepare food, even the sequencing to heat up a ready meal was beyond her, and she also got lost shopping on a high street where she'd lived for 50 years. And she was anxious about everything. So I arranged for her to have a daily carer who stayed all morning and did the cleaning, took her to appointments, went shopping with her, made her meals (it's called 'companion care'). That worked for about 18 months, but the point came when she was not safe (or happy) alone.

So she moved to a care home near me. She was there for 7 years and died last year, ten years after diagnosis of Alzheimers. I know people hate the idea of care homes but the staff were brilliant and she was happy there.

If your mum hasn't done POA, please strongly encourage it. It needs to be done in advance of needing it. I did mine own when I was in my 50s.

Thanks for that @catofglory. Thankfully the POA is sorted. Her solicitor advised her to do this after dad died so that's all sorted.

That must have been very hard on you but it sounds as though you managed it as well as possible under the circumstances.

That is good news about the POA.
Hopefully your mother will be able to continue living independently for quite a while. But it is hard on you and your sister to be expected to 'make things right' when that's mission impossible, because as you say the anxiety never leaves her.

I think that, whether it's the start of dementia or not, we have to accept that we can't 'fix' this for her, we can only offer our thoughts and suggestions and support her while living our own lives too.

I think you're absolutely right. Having been in a similar situation, I think you have to be very careful to establish at an early stage how much of your own life you are willing to give to help her. It's very easy to keep agreeing to just a little bit more help/a few more hours a week etc in the expectation that it will be short term 'just until she's feeling better'.

I totally understand you not wanting your DM to be dependent on you. My DM does not want to be alone ever but also does not want paid carers, social groups or residential care. As my DC are older teens and I work from home there has been a LOT of pressure (from DM and other family members) for me to move her in with me or spend significant amounts of time staying with her- on the basis that I don't have small children or a fixed work place to prevent me being with her 24/7. I think that my DM's choice not to engage with other ways of managing her needs does not over-ride my right to a life of my own.

@lovelypidgeonI very much agree. It would be easy to slide down the road of 'just one extra evening' or both weekend days instead of just Saturday but I don't want that to happen if I can manage it. We visit the inlaws usually every second Sunday so like having alternate Sundays to ourselves.

I remember reading that you may have to chose between guilt and resentment in such matters - I would chose guilt for sure.

I do Saturday thats it. You have have your boundaries. I got back from my mams earlier you have nothing done at home then. Back work monday.

My mum is 85 and has always had anxiety but it’s worse now she’s bedbound. I’m amazed how well she does considering she’s never had any medication. I suffer as well so I just say what people say to me which is answer her questions then say I’m not talking about it anymore etc. one of her anxieties relates to the bins being collected and my brother who lives with her is a bit of a hoarder which doesn’t help but if I try and solve it all my mental health takes a huge hit.