Supporting an elderly mum with anxiety without getting overwhelmed ourselves

[Wishimaywishimight]

My mum is 84, widowed 5 years ago. She has been doing really well, coped much better than expected living alone. Pretty mobile, fairly active - goes shopping, goes to an exercise class once a week, visits nearby relatives etc.

In recent months though she is getting increasingly anxious, worries about every little thing even though my sister and I do all her admin and see her once/twice a week.

She did speak to her GP a few months ago and he put her on Xanax but she found it made her really really sleepy and so just stopped taking it after about a week. She hasn't been back to the GP.

I love her to bits and feel terribly guilty about feeling impatient about listening to her going on and on and on about every tiny thing. My sister takes it very hard, always trying to 'help', 'fix' every situation but it's never enough because the root problem, the anxiety, is still there. I confess that I just don't pour myself into the situation to the extent that sis does. I am sympathetic, I try to help but if mum won't go back to the GP then what we can do is limited and I'm tired of worrying about her.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to help mum while also helping me and sis not become too bogged down in the situation? My sister is on anxiety meds herself and to be honest I've been thinking of going down this route myself but I don't want to as I don't feel that, generally speaking, I'm anxious. I just dread phoning mum or any conversations with sis about mum. Again, she's been a good mum, a lovely person and I really love her very much and want her to feel better.

You feel what you feel, and so does she. Could you do fewer plain phone calls and more activities maybe? Would she do a ‘yoga with Adrienne’ YouTube session with you over zoom or something, or visit and go for a walk? Do tell her straightforwardly that it’s hard to hear her being so anxious, that you’d like her to be feeling better, that you wish she’d see her GP again and try something else (I don’t know the generic name for Xanax, is it Sertraline? Lots of other options).

My mum definitely got more anxious over 70 and again over 75 - there is less you can do at that age and more that scares you. I did start filtering what I said to her a bit, made it more positive. And my usual comment these days - check her media diet - if she watches a lot of one channel, suggest she has a detox and tries something calmer.

My mum started getting increasingly anxious in her early 80s. She had some talking therapy arranged by the GP then low dose sertraline which really helped .

I should add mum was then found to be in the early stages of dementia, I think anxiety over things that were previously manageable can be one of the symptoms.

Other anti-anxiety medication is available - will she let you talk to the GP about alternatives? also talking therapy? Mental health management for the elderly can take a bit of time to sort out.

Alternatively, some talking therapy for you on how to manage what is a very very difficult situation - two people who are very anxious must be a massive drain.

@PermanentTemporary Since she told me she had stopped taking the Xanax we haven't really talked about it. I will be spending the day with her on Saturday so will broach the subject then. Her GP is lovely and mum is happy to chat to him about physical issues but when it comes to feeling "a bit down" as she puts it, it's hard to get her to open up. I will say straight up that I am sad to hear her say so often that she is "fed up" and that I would love to help but it's something she also has to try and help herself.

I do spend time with her - usually once or twice a week but this coming week I have plans to see her 3 days/evenings. I am only 30/40 minutes drive away but selfishly I do not want to get into the habit of calling down in the evenings after work too often.

She does read a news site called 'thejournal.ie' a LOT so probably that's not helping. She used to enjoy Instagram but found she was staying up until the early hours scrolling so got me to delete the app!

@Pekkala I hope it's not an early sign of dementia but something to keep an eye on I suppose. I think she's of the generation that wouldn't engage in talk therapy but I will absolutely raise the subject when I am encouraging her to go back to the GP.

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime I had been wondering about contacting the GP, perhaps sending him an email but presumably he wouldn't engage with me without her permission (which I don't think she would give as she likes very much to maintain an air of independence "that's my private business" sort of thing).

You can definitely contact the GP, they shouldn’t tell you anything but there’s nothing wrong with sending them a summary of your concerns.

Thanks, I think this is a good idea and will definitely contact him

Would she let you go to the GP with her?

My DM kept putting it off until I booked the appointment for her and took time off to take her myself. And seeing i was there i went into the appointment and stopped her minimising everything.

This was my MIL, eventually she was diagnosed with dementia.
Whatever you do will never be enough. Twice a week when you work and live 30- 40 mins away is plenty. Unfortunately this is often the reality of ageing.
Would she accept a carer once or twice a day to break the day up, do a few jobs, have a chat? If she refuses, that’s on her.
Ultimately this is not your problem to solve, be careful. Today is likely the best she will ever be.

@AnnaMagnanihonestly she wouldn't not at this stage. She genuinely is very capable in looking after the house etc, going to her class, visiting her sisters. If I suggested going to the GP with her she would be quite affronted. I realise this may be necessary in the future but for now I think contacting the GP myself might work better.

Are there any local day clubs/church groups she can attend. Look at the local voluntary centre activities, wrvs etc something that will take her mind off focusing on herself so much

@DemonsandMosquitoesI think it might be something she would consider but not quite yet. She has 2 sisters who both have carers (both with significant health issues) and she acknowledges they can be needed at times. I just don't think she has a need for them for the time being.

@Freeme31there are actually 2 retirement groups near her but while she does attend church weekly she seems disinterested in any groups (other than her exercise class). I do remind her of them from time to time but last time I did she said there was no need to keep reminding her, she already knew about them!

Op its hard isnt it. Ours is lonely. Everyone is working too.. sister does mid week me Saturday. Its all we can manage. 80s. Not into choirs or clubs either.

My Gran (95) still lives semi independently, no carers or anything and she gets anxious about EVERYTHING so you really do have my sympathy.

She’s always ran on her nerves but it’s definitely gotten worse with age.

I’ve learned not to try and fix anything or reason with her because she actually doesn’t want that so lots of yes and oh really from me.

I don’t phone her every night anymore and I make it random days as routine just makes her worse if you’re 10 minutes late she’s in a flap because anxiety made her.

Was your mum always a bit anxious?

I'd definitely let her GP know your concerns. But I also think you need to try to have a very direct conversation with her (perhaps with your sister too?). My observation from my own older relatives is that expanding their social circle is vital, especially if they are prone to feeling anxious or down when they are alone. She needs to understand that if she doesn't want to join social groups that's up to her but you and your sister can't be her main source of social contact. One exercise class plus a few visits to relatives (who from the sound of it have needs of their own) still leaves a lot of time alone which makes the anxiety worse.
If this is unusual for your DM, I would also keep an eye out for possible signs of cognitive decline. Looking back, I think my DM became anxious and socially withdrawn when she was first becoming aware of her decline. She also spent a lot of time watching daytime TV and became incredibly worried about things she heard about on 'rip off Britain' type sections.

@Mary46 yes it's horrible to see her feeling down and lonely (although if the 'lonely' word is mentioned she insists she isn't!)

@Defender90 yes I think she always was quite an anxious person although it manifested itself more in angry outbursts when I was younger. I remember myself and my sister sitting down with her when we were only teenagers and asking why she was always so angry with us. Either that or she would get tearful and say that no-one cared about her. I think my dad probably bore the brunt of it once sis and I left home and I know he was on anxiety medication at one stage, I'm not sure how long for. So without him to vent to she's just a bit lost.

@lovelypidgeon I completely agree - she is a different person when she is out and about. I have been with her when she has bumped into people she knows and she's bright and cheery and full of chat. She has always loved company but she seems to have an attitude that 'Retirement groups' are somehow for old people (she's 84!!!) and just not her thing. It's bonkers - even when she takes a bus she will have a chat with someone so she's far from shy. I really think if she joined a group (there is one literally 5 minutes from her house, in the local parish centre) she would love the chat and the company. I phoned the 'leader' of the group a while ago and she was lovely, said they would be delighted to welcome mum.

I think we will have to have a proper chat with her; 1) discuss the groups and how she could have some company during the week and 2) go back to the GP and say that while the Xanax made her overly sleepy, she's still feeling anxious and perhaps trying another medication or perhaps some sort of therapy.

In the meantime I will phone the GP surgery and check they are happy for me to put together an email to be kept on her file to keep in mind for her next visit.

Thanks everyone for your advice and help, I very much appreciate it.

I'm surprised that a benzodiazepine has been prescribed for an 84 year old.
That's very unusual - are you in America?

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOneNo, we're in Ireland.

If she has capacity I thinknall you can do is say "I know mum, I gave you my advice last week, it hasn't changed. If you aren't going to take it, there's no point in us continuing to talk about it. Always here for you and will see you twice a week as always. There's lots of help if you want to take it, but you have to ask or deal with it. Happy to come to the GP if you want me to, to see if anything else is available. Love you mum".

Rinse and repeat.

Unfortunately in someone of that age that type of wide-ranging anxiety can be a sign of cognitive decline. It was for my mother. She was very sociable and had a lot of friends, and was very active, but that made little difference.

My mother's anxiety was fixated mainly although not exclusively on her health. She knew 'something' was wrong (and it was, she had the beginnings of dementia) but couldn't identify exactly what it was, so her anxiety roved around minor symptoms like allergies and reflux, and she was always at the GP or A&E. She was 79 when that started, and she was diagnosed with dementia about a year later.

As for the anxiety, you can't fix it. Once you fix one thing, another will turn up.

You need boundaries too. Its this drama today something else next week. My friend is worn out from her mams demands)

@ILoveKitsthat is sound advice and I will do that. Much as I love her I am (selfishly I acknowledge) not willing to sacrifice too much of my own life to make sure she is never alone (nor is sis) which is what mum would really like.

@catofgloryI accept this may well be the case, her own mum developed Alzheimers although much earlier, she was only early 70s I think.

Do you mind me asking how your mum's condition progressed?