How long can vascular dementia progress in very elderly parents?

[RantingMenoWoman]

My mother has been diagnosed with vascular dementia several months ago (I have been working abroad for the past 18 years, and still am, so she has been under the care of my brother and SIL.) She is kind of okay, living in their downstairs granny flat, but there are increasing concerns about her remembering to wash / eat and drink. We can tackle that, with help. The main issue is that things appear to be coming more acute, but also particularly the sleeping. She will sleep all day if she got the chance so they try and at least get her up for by mid afternoon, even if she is dozing again by 8pm. She is 94, diagnosed two years ago but it has been in the background for a good few years before a solid diagnosis.

I suppose what I really want to know, and struggle to get a clear answer, is how likely these things can drag on? My brother isn't a brilliant communicator at the best of times, and I am wondering if I will need to try and get back to the UK sooner rather than later for longer rather than the AL I use to currently come over.

I have a horrible feeling that people can just go on and on, which is no quality of life but I am also wondering if the exacerbated symptoms can mean deterioration is getting faster.

I don't mean to come across as cold hearted, I am just trying to think in black and white and practical and sensible terms rather than letting my emotions dictate. I can't get a sensible answer via my brother, so I was wondering about asking on here as there are many who, I suspect, are in similar positions.

Thank you.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner That’s a lot of rather unfair assumptions there! I have been over 3 times this year, once for 4 weeks while ‘commuting’ to work which was a 6 hr flight away to a literal war zone.

@Cheese55 This is pretty much my biggest fear.

Yes, she had had some mini strokes and there is a possibility she’s had more unnoticed ones.

@sugarplumlily I am hoping that ‘quickly’ could give a rather broad window of a few months so I could potentially shuffle stuff, but that’s probably being wildly optimistic! I’m talking like she’s approaching deaths door, which isn’t really the case, but her deterioration does seem to be a lot more obvious now. It’s very hard! We do have the money for nursing / care home or whatever but my brother and his wife, so far, are adamant that it’s all ok. I trust their judgment but do feel uncomfortably removed from it too, if that makes sense.

Everybody’s dementia is different, some go on for years and others deteriorate very quickly.
I had an aunt who was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia and she lived with it for a couple of years at home with her husband caring for her.
A fall (caused by her unsteadiness) brought a chain of events that ultimately caused her death, which in a way was her get out of jail card. I don’t mean that to sound harsh but any natural end to this awful disease is a release for everyone.
My own father is in a care home (3 years) with mixed Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia.
He was showing signs 9 years ago but is still going.
What I find is that care homes are hell bent on keeping that person going and effectively denying them a ‘natural end’ so routine use of antibiotics, flu jabs, covid jabs and now the new pneumonia jab all go towards keeping them going.
A recent blood test revealed signs of poor liver function and before we knew it he was taken to hospital for a scan.
My mother has had to be very firm in telling them she doesn’t want him transferred to hospital and doesn’t want him treated much to the annoyance of the home.
If his natural end is caused by liver failure then so be it. He’s aware of his situation and often says he doesn’t want to live.

I think that’s a bit unfair. OPs job is important to her and for lots of other people. DB and DSIL have set their property up in such a way because presumably they wanted to provide support to DM/DMIL.

I have to say though, I do find the questioning from those trying to decide if they should visit or not ( cousins not siblings in my case) a bit tricky to navigate. I am not a medical expert and there are so many things to discuss on the rare occasions I do see a doctor, that exact life span is not something I want to raise.

You’re so right! I also think the same regarding nursing homes. Also, they aren’t referred to as Gods Waiting Room for nothing! I also hugely disagree with keeping people alive for the sake of it. 94 is only a ‘good age’ if you have a good quality of life alongside it too.

Mum is less mobile and an accident in the bathroom that she tried to clear up and then couldn’t get off the floor is an example of that, but she also shows little interest outside the house or watching TV. It seems like she is shutting down mentally far quicker than physically, relatively speaking. Hence always wanting to be asleep.

I didn’t actually expect that much traffic on this thread. It’s strangely reassuring to realise there are so many of us having similar problems. We are not alone! X

My DF has 94 is the same he’s plodded on for years and suddenly gone down hill. I have cared for Mil before who went on for years. It’s not something you can put a time on.

pre dying state
sleeping all of the time
not eating or drinking
confusion
incontinence

DF has all of these, just had the dementia 6 weeks ago.

Our lives pan out as a result of the choices we make.
If her brother feels cross at the situation, he needs to choose to do differently. I hope my adult children never put themselves in this situation and feel dumped upon because of me.
The needs of those at the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs.

My MIL had vascular and Alzheimers diagnosed at 82 during covid times in 2020. She then progressed through the usual falls (4 or 5 a year... her Alzheimers made her forget she couldnt walk), hospitalizations, 4 care visits a day, for the following 5 years until she became bedbound and the carers (alongside DH) felt she needed a nursing home.

She lived almost a further year in the nursing home, being spoiled and making sure she got her Welsh cakes off the cake trolley. She spent 23 hours asleep out of every 24 in the last month, would not eat more than a mouthful, and died as many do of an infection. (Or just had enough).
It is hard to help from afar, but plan in breaks for the main carer. So they can go away and not think about things for a couple of weeks

The thing is, if your body and constitution is tough enough to get to 90plus, you’ve got determined genes and it could be some years yet, but obviously no way of telling…I think the uncertainty is one of the hardest parts, you could still be in this situation in 5yrs time. My relative got to just short of 100.
Having been through this and come out the other side, my advice would be think carefully if medical treatment/antibiotics/vaccines etc are the right path to be taking. I know some people want to take everything offered, but personally having seen the realities of extreme old age, it wouldn’t be what I’d want for myself.
I think the sleeping is pretty normal, but if she’s still capable of trying to clean the floor, I don’t think you are anywhere near the home straight yet, at least physically. My relative lived nearly 2 years completely bed bound, having been sat in a chair nearly all the time the previous 3ish years.

I do wish we could intervene a bit less in the natural course of life. It's one thing to try and cure cancer but sometimes I wonder what the point of statins are. Just keeps people's bodies alive past the shelf life of their brains. I'm so sad to see the loss of my mother in law's whole personality. It's so humiliating, she was so house proud and fussy and full of generosity, and now she shuffles around the place in her pants demanding her son explain what he's doing in her house.