What have I done? At the end of my tether

[NewKidOnTheBlock99]

Hello,

I’m hoping someone out there can come up with something I haven’t yet as a solution…

So my mum has never been in good health but has seriously declined in the last couple of years due to a stroke and advancing kidney disease. She was living in her own home with a family member but they were abusive and took advantage of her. We could never prove it and she always stuck up for said family member, we tried to get safeguarding etc involved but she wasn’t interested. It all came to a head and we managed to move mum away & close to us in a rental property- now full disclosure I was all for this when it was a long term plan as it was so stressful having her so far away as she is hospitalised quite regularly and never knowing if she was going to be taken or visiting was a four hour round trip and in my head I envisioned her being quite independent and getting care if needs be so I would be popping in once a week and doing the admin for her that I was already doing (ordering, banking, online food shop etc) but it would’ve been planned, the situation ended up being an emergency and she moved over night. Long story short her moving here has completely and utterly ruined my life and I don’t know how to undo it because I genuinely can’t cope & my mental and general health is seriously declining. I’m in my early 30s and genuinely feel on the verge of a heart attack. I have a 9 month old baby plus a six year old and I work full time plus everything else that comes with this stage of life - also managing another parent but that’s another story. I can’t believe how much care my mum actually needs - she phones me multiple times a day ‘just to chat’ and I get so overwhelmed as I just don’t have the time, I also resent that I get the guilt trips if I don’t pop in & so I try to but then the phone calls are on top of that, there are multiple trips to the shop for one thing despite me asking if she needs anything so I can do a big shop. She’ll let me know after she has run out of something important so I have to drop everything to get it for her I.e medication or toilet roll and even if it can wait it’s still an extra phone call to ask for something - she’ll often get confused about what she does and does not have. She has so much wrong there are constant hospital appointments and then things like optician, dentist, hair cuts etc which are actually really difficult to get her to. She frequently wets the bed due to her catheter so I have to run round and change it and if she needs to prep for any visitors she’ll call me to do the bits I.e take the bin out or pop and get cakes. Even when other family members come over to visit she’ll call me while I’m there for a chat & to check in & to tell me how amazing they are being to her on the visit. She has carers three times a day but it doesn’t feel like it’s improved anything as she refuses to ask them to do anything for her?? She basically goes on hunger strike unless someone is there with her 24/7 making her meals, it’s bizarre. I feel awful for my kids as they are so little and I’m run ragged I have zero patience and that’s when I’m actually here - I’m constantly darting off to do something and missing bedtime or dragging them with me, I’m dropping the ball at work, I just want to run away. Im just feeling so resentful as I do have siblings (without children) but we are all dotted about and they are either unreliable or just point blank refusing to help. Plus when they come mum puts on a show like she’s actually fine an can cope. What do people do when family simply just refuse to care for them & how do you even do this?? Can anyone think of any remedies to this situation?? I feel so trapped and like this could be my life for years/worse because she’s only going to decline.

Thank you if you’ve gotten this far - I’m really at the end of my tether with this I’m in tears daily because I can’t cope.

OP, your DC only get one childhood, so when you are struggling with putting in boundaries, think of them - they need to come first. If your DM has carers coming in three days a week, that’s three days when you don’t need to go in - make sure carers need to check her bed to see if it needs changing. And turn your phone off during the working day, or just don’t answer it - it’s not reasonable to spend your whole day being interrupted because your DM is at a bit of a loose end. Of course your DM likes the attention and wants you to go round all the time - but it’s just not possible, OP, nor is it fair on you and your family. Don’t let her run out of things like loo roll and medication - you can order both when she’s only got a week’s worth left. It sounds as though your DM needs more help than she is getting at home - maybe sheltered accommodation? Sell it to her as a temporary measure until she’s well enough to go back into her home. Don’t be a slave to your DM, OP, and particularly not at the expense of your own DH and DC. As has been said many times on these pages, better to feel guilty than resentful.

Can you speak to the care agency or adult social care/her social worker and get the carers to do some of the tasks that she is asking you to do. Changing bedding is really a job for her carers. Or ask if she can have 4 visits a day which I think is the maximum. Explain everything she is asking from you and that you can’t cope as it’s too much with two very young children and you get no help from her siblings. They won’t expect you to run yourself ragged. Or see if she can go into a care home. Put some boundaries in place. Age uk can arrange telephone calls to vulnerable elderly for companionship in some circumstances.

Does she claim attendance allowance? It isn't means tested.

I would look at a care home. Your children only get one childhood op, once it’s gone it’s gone. I wish I had said no to caring for certain family members of mine.

The adult has to agree, its not a relatives decision

Brutally, it comes down to priorities about children versus unreasonable elders.

Morning carer should be dealing with wet sheets, which should not exist anyway if catheter functioning properly - contact the incontinence service or district nursing service (one of which will already be involved if she has catheter) and tell them things not working properly.

Has she got a lifeline pendant/wristband? If she has you can reasonably take one call from her each day and not answer the others as you know she is covered by the lifeline for emergencies. If she has not got one, then she needs one!

Will she WhatsApp? - chats via this are less intrusive and help keep her connected.

How about online deliveries, especially bulk items like bog roll. Delivery people will take into the house and unpack and that is another person for a few minute's company for her.

Talk to the carers and make a list of what they must do: sort out any wet sheets, empty catheter bag, talk to her about any supplies that are running short and make a list for you, and any other task that would help if they did it. Honestly sometimes they need a list as dashing about from one person to another tends to switch off the imagination a bit! If she is not letting them do stuff with her, you need to have a list and just tell her that this what the carers are going to do - BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO DO THEM AS YOU HAVE SMALL CHILDREN TO LOOK AFTER!

You have to accept that some things she would like done won't be done - or not right away. I am widowed and have a disability and sometimes I drop something on the floor and struggle to pick it up - so .... it has to wait till someone else is there .... the world keeps on turning in spite of this inconvenience. I do however have a grabber in every room - maybe she needs that?

Research community transport in your area for appointments (hair, doctor etc.) etc. and make that the default option whenever one arises. Just say you can't do it. Or she can take a taxi - I do this when I have to - goodbye savings, but what the heck else are they for!?

Talk to siblings and say: from 12th - 19th (or whatever) I am taking a week off so one of you will have to come down and stay and take over. My DD who lives further away sometimes comes down to stay for a few days and works from here online in my spare bedroom.

I am not very old and am totally peed off with the hand I have been dealt - dead OH and lots of physical buggerations - but central to my thinking is that my lovely DDs should not feel the burden too much - clearly I can't wipe that out completely as they know that I am on my own and things are hard for me and they worry about me, but I have never rung them to ask for help.... not once. They visit, and when they are here ask if there is anything they can do.

I sometimes have ready meals delivered - would she stick one in the microwave? - or a carer could do it for her.

Research local voluntary agencies - she will baulk at it at first, but if you reduce your availability she may come to appreciate a visit from someone else.

I know how your Mum feels and I know how you feel - both are in a difficult situation, but the balance is haywire at the moment and only you can change that. I know its hard but it must be done.

Sorry you’re going through this. You can’t continue with this level of care and your Mum owns a house, so it will need to be sold and used to fund the full time care she now needs.

Honestly, she ruined your childhood and is now ruining your children's childhood as she expects you to put her first, above your children.

She obviously knows what she is doing as she was cold and cruel to you when she had all the power when you were a child, but is now ingratiating in order to manipulate you into looking after her, even though she doesn't deserve it after the way she treated you during your childhood.

You need to harden your heart and put you and your children first. She's lucky that you are kind enough to bother with her. In your shoes, I wouldn't do it.

I could've written your post except I didn't have a 9 month old and DM doesn't have kidney disease. I can't imagine how hard this is with a baby, you must stop before it impacts your own mental and physical health. You can't miss out on your children's childhoods to be a carer.

My DM has been like this for 7 years I took a huge step back a few years ago when I realised the above and I'm still resentful about the impact she had and continues to have. Mine also refuses carers help and will go hungry if my and my sister aren't available the same day. I see her twice a week, take her shopping one of these and call once a day, do all admin/forms and essential appointments only. Anything else she mentions I tell her she needs to make use of her carers or hire someone to do other jobs.

Take care of yourself and get some boundaries in place x

Yes this. You have two very small children who need you and you will drive yourself into an early grave if you don't stop running round after your mother. You need to be a mum first and a daughter second.

And let's not beat about the bush here - while you are constantly sorting stuff out for your mother your children are missing out. Do you really want your children's memories of their childhood to be that Mummy was hardly ever around and when she was they got dragged off to sort something out for Granny instead of doing fun things?

When do they get to go to the park? When do they get to go swimming? When does your six year old get to have a friend over to play or to have tea? When did they last sit with you snuggling in front of a DVD on the sofa?

It sounds as though your mother needs full time care and you can't do it. It is too much for one person never mind someone with other caring responsibilities and a full time job. It is hardly surprising you are on your knees.

Ring Social Services today.

Thanks for the responses, I’ve found this thread really supportive and helpful!

This week I have really tried to pull back and lo and behold the mind games have started - a lot of negativity and complaining and constant asking for things. I’m trying to get on top of everything so it’s all sorted etc I.e product deliveries etc and then I think I will have a conversation with her. I spoke to my sister about it who has been visiting a bit more regularly and she is also going to have a word as she has really noticed and experienced first hand how she’s started treating me and the level of demands and things she’s asking for and she’s perplexed as she’s not like that with her - but then she wouldn’t be, she’s visiting and giving her undivided attention.

I honestly do not know how people do this without being so angry and full of resentment

Hi op I do a day thats it. With siblings holidays think she wanted more. Hate going there. Got a text re tomorrow just presumed I was coming.. anyway thats it one day. Find you need v good boundaries with elderly. You be drained

You need to put boundaries in place. Your DM will not be reasonable or understanding of how busy your life is.

You say this is what I can do this week, X and Y. Beyond that, do you need to get any help in?

Just to re-iterate: the elderly in this situation cannot be reasoned with. It’s nice that your sister is ‘having a word’ but this will likely fall on deaf ears. Nothing less than 24/7 devotion will satisfy. In fact, sometimes even 24/7 devotion isn’t satisfying enough for the person receiving care.

In addition to setting some very clear boundaries, you can also practice the neutral responses to requests. ‘I’m sorry to hear that’ ‘That’s a shame’ etc

Did you manage to speak to the office to see what the carers should be doing? I’m quite shocked at the wet sheets not being changed as that’s a really basic part of the job.

Because it was a fast move you now need to organise it better . Just a bit if preparation will make it easier for you . You need to liaise with whoever is in charge of her carers . List their duties, don't leave it up to her to say . So morning visit depending on length , help to wash and dress , check catheter, and prep breakfast . Lunch time visit , check and maybe change catheter, evening visit , check catheter,review day to make sure meds taken ,etc. I was able to juggle allocated hours to have a longer morning visit to essentially set up for the day . With 3 visits a day , you really shouldn't have to be in attendance every day . Weekly shop - establish yourself online for delivery. Tell her she has to do it this way . Maybe every other evening a check in call - no more than ten minutes . Vaguely say you will call in sometime during the week . Put phone on silent tell her in case of urgency leave a message .
It really is so hard and often they are not aware of how difficult it is with a job and young kids . I don't know if it's because they were SAHM or just don't realise . Or don't care . But you need to emphasise how much your children need you too plus you can't afford to lose your job .
The non helping siblings perhaps suggest they put money into their share . Pay for cleaner , or shopping delivery , or extra carer visits.

That is a very intelligent answer

Carers through Social Services? You need to tell them you are burning out and can no longer pick up the slack from only three carer visits. Ask for her needs to be reassessed. Have you had a Carer's Assessment yourself to see how you can be supported?

Could you get carers in for a couple of hours a day…you could tell your mum it’s a temporary measure while she gets back on her feet?