What have I done? At the end of my tether

[NewKidOnTheBlock99]

Hello,

I’m hoping someone out there can come up with something I haven’t yet as a solution…

So my mum has never been in good health but has seriously declined in the last couple of years due to a stroke and advancing kidney disease. She was living in her own home with a family member but they were abusive and took advantage of her. We could never prove it and she always stuck up for said family member, we tried to get safeguarding etc involved but she wasn’t interested. It all came to a head and we managed to move mum away & close to us in a rental property- now full disclosure I was all for this when it was a long term plan as it was so stressful having her so far away as she is hospitalised quite regularly and never knowing if she was going to be taken or visiting was a four hour round trip and in my head I envisioned her being quite independent and getting care if needs be so I would be popping in once a week and doing the admin for her that I was already doing (ordering, banking, online food shop etc) but it would’ve been planned, the situation ended up being an emergency and she moved over night. Long story short her moving here has completely and utterly ruined my life and I don’t know how to undo it because I genuinely can’t cope & my mental and general health is seriously declining. I’m in my early 30s and genuinely feel on the verge of a heart attack. I have a 9 month old baby plus a six year old and I work full time plus everything else that comes with this stage of life - also managing another parent but that’s another story. I can’t believe how much care my mum actually needs - she phones me multiple times a day ‘just to chat’ and I get so overwhelmed as I just don’t have the time, I also resent that I get the guilt trips if I don’t pop in & so I try to but then the phone calls are on top of that, there are multiple trips to the shop for one thing despite me asking if she needs anything so I can do a big shop. She’ll let me know after she has run out of something important so I have to drop everything to get it for her I.e medication or toilet roll and even if it can wait it’s still an extra phone call to ask for something - she’ll often get confused about what she does and does not have. She has so much wrong there are constant hospital appointments and then things like optician, dentist, hair cuts etc which are actually really difficult to get her to. She frequently wets the bed due to her catheter so I have to run round and change it and if she needs to prep for any visitors she’ll call me to do the bits I.e take the bin out or pop and get cakes. Even when other family members come over to visit she’ll call me while I’m there for a chat & to check in & to tell me how amazing they are being to her on the visit. She has carers three times a day but it doesn’t feel like it’s improved anything as she refuses to ask them to do anything for her?? She basically goes on hunger strike unless someone is there with her 24/7 making her meals, it’s bizarre. I feel awful for my kids as they are so little and I’m run ragged I have zero patience and that’s when I’m actually here - I’m constantly darting off to do something and missing bedtime or dragging them with me, I’m dropping the ball at work, I just want to run away. Im just feeling so resentful as I do have siblings (without children) but we are all dotted about and they are either unreliable or just point blank refusing to help. Plus when they come mum puts on a show like she’s actually fine an can cope. What do people do when family simply just refuse to care for them & how do you even do this?? Can anyone think of any remedies to this situation?? I feel so trapped and like this could be my life for years/worse because she’s only going to decline.

Thank you if you’ve gotten this far - I’m really at the end of my tether with this I’m in tears daily because I can’t cope.

I don’t have personal experience but I do know that you need some boundaries with your mum. You don’t have to jump every time she asks you to. You can also use voicemail at work. She’ll leave a message if it’s urgent.

Could you move her into sheltered accommodation and then take a massive step back?
Actually I would do that now, go once a week to do admin and tell her to ask the X3 carers for anything else.
Put your kids' needs first.

I do really try but she is constantly apologising for asking and OVERLY nice about the majority of stuff which makes me feel guilty but then continues to do it, so can’t be that sorry.

Just
Stop
Running

You need to say no

It’s something I am looking into, but it feels easier said then done. Mum is convinced she’s going to miraculously get better though so she’s not even keen on the care or moving anywhere remotely residential she wants me to do everything ‘in the interim’ 🙄.

I know part of the problem is I need to grow a thicker skin with her and know I’m doing the best thing for me and the kids

Ok, well regardless of the past she is where she is now.

yes, elderly people who are ill often do need a lot of care. If your siblings are a long way away they will be very limited in what they can do.

if she has carers going in three times a day then she’s obviously got fairly substantial care needs.

you need to work out a system. Don’t rely on her remembering what she needs. Plan on going over there once a week or so and ordering what she needs. Buy toilet roll and stuff like that in bulk and leave it over there so she doesn’t run out.

can you set up a book to communicate with the carers so they know what to do even if your mum doesn’t remember?

You did what you thought was best for your mum and I fully understand what youre saying. Ive worked in care for 30 years and ive seen what caring for loved ones does to families. I think you need to get mum a social worker and start off with her going into respite to give you a break with a view to a permenant placement in a care home. Your health and your family will suffer if you try to sustain this longterm. Best of luck.

Haircut opticians will come to her. Get a mobile hairdresser and specsavers are running adverts at the moment about home visits.

part of the issue too is their stubborness that causes some of the issues too

My mum uses the local “Friends of the surgery” car service for her GP appointments. Ask at her surgery about that.
Mum’s will also take her to hospital appointments.

Order food and toilet rolls, kitchen tool, tissues etc on line. The latter in bulk via Amazon to her door. That’s what I do.

You must stop taking her calls. Could you tell her you’ll call her each evening after babies in bed or (say) 3 times a week to catch up and stick to it?

You absolutely must put some boundaries in place. Your children come first.
Start tomorrow. Start small. Put yr phone on silent.

You must find a better way forward. She’s got carers. Stand your ground and leave it at that! 💐

Thank you!! Some really good ideas I will look into those things 💛

Yes, I agree - my mum thinking she is going to get better and be able to do this stuff for herself at some point boggles my mind

Boundaries

-one phone call a day
-no calling whilst anyone else or the carers are there
one shop a week anything in between goes on the list for the big shop
-you will not do anything that carers should be doing

those are completely reasonable and a normal
amount of contact that most people have
Write her a letter with the rules and stick to them

whilst I do feel sorry for you if I was your sibling I would not be trying to do more and more meeting of unreasonable demands. The solution is less demands not more people doing more and more.

You need to see what can be done to make her more independent of you. I have arranged a carer to go and check in on my mum once a week. Most of the time she says there is no need for her as nothing to do but I am hoping with time, she will delegate little little thngs. She uses an uber or other taxi service to go to places outside her town. You need to start laying down boundaries

that and they dont want to spend the pennies to improve themselves, and not sure if its all families but the one golden child even though they never there yet there the ones talked about as if they are royality,

firstly if she is wetting the bed from her catheter it sounds like she needs a carer at least once a day to visit and ensure her basic needs can bE met. You cannot do that with a 9 month old and a 6 yrs old and working full time.

I would link her in with social groups such as age Uk, but if she does not want to get out and about possibly visiting/befriending services.

if there are lots of hospital appointments you could ask the GP if they arrange transport services to hospital?

God. Have a hug.

It seems to me that the only path out of this is going to require you to feel more uncomfortable in the short term, which is hard. But I don’t see any other option.

You are going to have to turn your phone off more, and say no more. And it’s going to feel terrible. It must do, because at the moment you are ruining your own life to avoid those feelings. But you’re going to have to just endure them.

Yes, three care visits a day suggests a lot of care needs. But it also means that you CAN step back.

Write on a piece of card ‘Can’t come over until Sunday, Mum’ And get the card out with every call that you do answer, and keep saying it.

Here’s the thing. I work with people who are genuinely risky. They can’t talk easily, maybe don’t have carers going in, struggle to operate their phones. Your mum can do all those things.

Medication run out? You can’t go until Sunday. (She can call the GP, or the local pharmacy, a lot of them deliver.)

Food? You can’t go until Sunday. (Sometimes carers will go, but tbh almost certainly she’ll have some sort of tin or ready meal in, or she can call Deliveroo. If it’s not what she likes, she’ll have to get better at ordering).

Appointment? You can’t go until Sunday. (She can ring a taxi firm, or fill in the request for patient transport).

There are other options than grinding you into the ground. You need to stand up for yourself - and your children - and grit your teeth to do it.

Thank you 💛 I needed this, even just as I am reading and replying I know I could improve things by having systems + boundaries.

When she calls me and asks for something she genuinely can’t do herself I feel bad when I do say no. Just feels quite demoralising to need something I.e wet sheets changed & you can’t do it yourself but we are at the point it’s me or her. If I can’t do it, I can’t.

You say she’s in a rental. Would she qualify for social housing? Just wondering if there’s a sheltered housing complex anywhere close by? They tend to have social things going on (the one my DF lives at have meals three times a week they can have in the communal area) and they have someone on site 9-5.

On top of that you need to have a serious chat with her and put boundaries in place. Tell her what it’s doing to you and how it’s affecting her grandchildren. Tell her how often you will visit, how often you’re willing to go to the shops. Put your phone on silent and don’t answer her calls unless it’s convenient. I know it’s hard to do all this but you have to for your own sanity.

It is so hard.

Re the phone calls. You need to tell her that you will ring her once a day at a time convenient to you. Let all her other calls go to voicemail and just answer everything in one go at your chosen time.

I look after my inlaws (OH works away and SIL disappeared to New Zealand - although she is very vocal about what I should be doing - I just ignore her). The ring me constantly. Sometimes just because their phone hasnt rung in the last hour so they want to check that it is working.

I ring them every evening when I sit down with a cup of tea to check in with them. Whatever they rang me for earlier they rarely seem to remember as it wasn't important.

I used to write on the white board what days I was calling round but stopped that as it would get to 10am and they would be ringing me to find out what time I was coming! I now just say I will see you in the week.

They have carers coming in 3 times a week and a cleaner once a week. I go round every Friday to do their online shop and then three more days during the week (usually on my way home from work to keep my weekends free). OH goes at a weekend.

It took me ages (years!) to get these boundaries in place but they are so important for your own mental health.

This is not her fault, she can't understand what she's asking of you, but it is literally impossible to be what she wants you to be.literally impossible. You have children and work to focus on. You may need to stop taking calls except maybe once a day and let things take their course . What a horrible situation for you all.

Oh and get a white board. I write when their shopping delivery is due to come, their boiler service, etc,etc. It stops them from asking me constantly!

Thank you all, I will try with the phone calls. I’m thinking maybe if I get in there first in the morning, it will ward off the rest of the phone calls. I could maybe set up a iPhone ‘focus’ it means her calls will only come through if she rings three times in a row.

Do an online shop once a week - you dont need to be nipping to the shops constantly. I have my account set up for them so if they ring me in the week saying the need (for example) toothpaste I just go on the app and add it.

I make sure they have long life milk in the cupboard in case they run out - they never do as they are obsessed with having loads of milk in the freezer. Bread kept in the freezer. I do a meal plan with them every week and order what they need - they therefore never run out as it is all in. (They dont tend to cook much now so I order "ready meals" from the butcher that they just bung in the oven and add some tinned veg to it). Cereal for breakfast and sandwich/soup for lunch. No reason for me to ever go to the supermarket for them!

I run them like a military operation! It is hard but you just need to stick to your guns and they do get used to the routine eventually.

You need to start saying no, my Morher is going in for an op soon and will require help with dressing/undressing.
She thought that I could do it, before dropping the kids to school and then onto work… I’ve told her that I absolutely can’t do it Tuesday-Thursdays as I work earlier and she’ll have to get carers in.
Apparently she’s not wasting her money on carers, they are for old people (she is mid 70’s) and if I can’t then she just won’t get dressed/washed those days…
I replied if that’s what she wanted to do then to go ahead, I won’t be emotionally blackmailed into it on the days it would cause a total nightmare.
Is there funds for PA visits a couple of times a week so they can take her shopping etc