Mum in cognitive decline. Dad in denial.

[spinachsalad]

I will preface this by saying I’m an OT and have worked in elderly care for years. This might make me recognisable but that’s OK.

parents are both 80 and in excellent physical health. Both still drive. Great careers behind them, intelligent… hobbies etc you get the picture.

2 years ago mum broke her wrist whilst out hiking. For some reason they didn’t go straight to A&E. Possibly embarrassed so waited 12 hours to be seen locally but I think by the time they got there it set off a chain of events…. She needed surgery but it was delayed. The pain relief was never quite right. She never really adhered to precautions about the sling. She’d make weird decisions about carrying a drink upstairs in her affected hand for example. I’d say use a teasmaid/wait for Dad but she would just do it anyway and not tell me.

she couldn’t drive whilst it was healing so I think the isolation was increased but she’d pay for taxis etc so she could get out without relying on lifts.

anyway

she started saying weird things in conversation- things that couldn’t possibly be true. She then started having difficulty recalling names, problem solving, getting lost at local familiar places…. Lost her car in a car park. Seems very dyspraxic too. Loads more but hopefully this paints the picture

after 18 months I raised it with my siblings who agreed about the issues. I then raised it with Dad. He is an opinionated man but obviously cares deeply about mum and is frightened of what this means. He didn’t want me to talk to her about her concerns. I left it for a while and then decided it was actually a cruelty to potentially miss an opportunity for diagnosis, medication and support.

mum didn’t disagree but basically seemed to think that dementia couldn’t possibly happen to her. She went to their shit GP who did the mme and sent her on her way. Nothing more came of it. They have changed gps recently. Mum is getting worse. I spoke to dad last week and he has his mind made up there is nothing to be done. I say there is. It’s infuriating as I respect that they aren’t asking me for help and support so really what right do I have to interfere in their life?

I saw them yesterday and it just feels so depressing. That we’re missing an opportunity.

ok I’m going to stop typing now as I’m starting to repeat myself (ironic).

I am happy to answer any questions but would love to chat through with anyone else who has ideas. Thankyou.

Solidarity on the denial and therefore missed treatment and future proofing opportunities.

DM has mixed vascular/Alzheimer's, plus significant anxiety, only diagnosed after several years of decline and with me stage managing the appointments. She doesnt remember she has the diagnosis.

She lives with her partner, both in their 80s, and a flight away from me and DSis. She's worried about what she calls 'this memory issue' and 'going bonkers' but not able to engage on doing anything much about it, and long-distance I couldn't sort out the multiple small things which might have slowed the decline, like regular med reviews and lifestyle adjustments - i send links, make appointments and set thibgs up on visits, but they're not maintained.

Partner could not be more in denial and I'm actually quite impressed by his ability to just not address glaring reality. He had a near-fatal heart attack a year ago, she saved his life by calling an ambulance, but it's in question whether she would be able to if (when) it happens again, and she wouldn't be able to cope alone if he's in hospital. We've failed to convince one or both of them to move into sheltered accommodation either near where they are now or near us.

So very reluctantly we're waiting for the inevitable crisis, and it breaks my heart. If I can't look after my mum, what kind of daughter am I?

Please don’t feel that you need to defend yourself. Lots of poster on here have been through what you’re going through and are just trying to give advice on practical steps that they’ve found helpful.

I don’t think anyone is criticising your choices or those of your DF