Mum in cognitive decline. Dad in denial.

[spinachsalad]

I will preface this by saying I’m an OT and have worked in elderly care for years. This might make me recognisable but that’s OK.

parents are both 80 and in excellent physical health. Both still drive. Great careers behind them, intelligent… hobbies etc you get the picture.

2 years ago mum broke her wrist whilst out hiking. For some reason they didn’t go straight to A&E. Possibly embarrassed so waited 12 hours to be seen locally but I think by the time they got there it set off a chain of events…. She needed surgery but it was delayed. The pain relief was never quite right. She never really adhered to precautions about the sling. She’d make weird decisions about carrying a drink upstairs in her affected hand for example. I’d say use a teasmaid/wait for Dad but she would just do it anyway and not tell me.

she couldn’t drive whilst it was healing so I think the isolation was increased but she’d pay for taxis etc so she could get out without relying on lifts.

anyway

she started saying weird things in conversation- things that couldn’t possibly be true. She then started having difficulty recalling names, problem solving, getting lost at local familiar places…. Lost her car in a car park. Seems very dyspraxic too. Loads more but hopefully this paints the picture

after 18 months I raised it with my siblings who agreed about the issues. I then raised it with Dad. He is an opinionated man but obviously cares deeply about mum and is frightened of what this means. He didn’t want me to talk to her about her concerns. I left it for a while and then decided it was actually a cruelty to potentially miss an opportunity for diagnosis, medication and support.

mum didn’t disagree but basically seemed to think that dementia couldn’t possibly happen to her. She went to their shit GP who did the mme and sent her on her way. Nothing more came of it. They have changed gps recently. Mum is getting worse. I spoke to dad last week and he has his mind made up there is nothing to be done. I say there is. It’s infuriating as I respect that they aren’t asking me for help and support so really what right do I have to interfere in their life?

I saw them yesterday and it just feels so depressing. That we’re missing an opportunity.

ok I’m going to stop typing now as I’m starting to repeat myself (ironic).

I am happy to answer any questions but would love to chat through with anyone else who has ideas. Thankyou.

Yeah. I think you have to keep working on him. Make it sound like a little check up that might come to nothing. If it becomes clear you won’t stop bringing it up he might relent. Of course, he might not.

Oh OP I’m so sorry. This must be extremely hard to deal with. My DF got Alzheimer’s and Mum spent ages dragging him reluctantly to and from loads of medical appointments. This probably isn’t what you’re after but for my situation, I really wish she hadn’t bothered.

It was pretty clear what was going on in our situation, and going to various medical professionals really just stressed Dad out and achieved nothing/very little. It’s not like they could give medication that would help much etc.

I think in your position I’d worry less about the diagnosis, and more about practicalities, POA, driving safety etc. I’m so sorry OP.

No, not planned as such, but after many years and many crisis’ it might have been what mum needed to hear. Someone close acknowledging what she perhaps knows but doesn’t yet feel able to express. I’ll persevere for that reason alone. Please keep us updated - we all rely on this kind of support on these threads 🙂