How much are people willing to sacrifice with care for the elderly?

[mids2019]

We are probably in a situation familiar with a lot of people here with frail parent (fil) as well as teenage children and jobs.

the question is how far do you go to support the elderly parent given traditionalism have to make large sacrifices at home? Do people get to a stage of costing a very crisp immobile parent so often that family life becomes increasingly strained but from an emotional level feel little choice? Do people give up employment to look after the elderly and is there a societal expectation that children especially women should become essentially full time carers?

How do you go about making decisions about how to organise your lives with change?

Same situation. You are not alone 🫂

My parents would never expect me to care for them tbh. They didn’t do it for their parents so why would I for mine?

Happy to have them live with me though and have carers come in, but have me and family for support.

Olivia its hard. In my friends case they living longer too late 80s.. into 90s

I think it depends very much on your personal circumstances, finances and relationship with that person. My sister and I both do a lot of care for our elderly mum but that's because we love her dearly and she's always been a fantastic mum. So it's not a hardship. I think I would probably feel very differently if she'd been a selfish or uncaring mother.

Sadly you have NO idea what that would entail. The carers would constantly refer to you. You would be on 24/7 duty. Older people get incredibly self absorbed and selfish and if you in the next room why wouldn’t they ask you. For every little thing..

You look at your at your parents now and think - well how hard can it be and with carers too.. kindly. You really really don’t know!

My friend did that, at times it was horrible, her mother was a saint and my friend is glad she did it but she doesn’t remember the awful stuff I supported her through. I wouldn’t do it to
my kids.

They have answers to everything. I said I like see my mil over the summer. Sure she has her own daughters. Lol. So selfish. You be utterly drained from it all.

You are allowed to have your own life and have weekends! Sending sympathy. I work full time and have 2 toddlers, my mother acts like my life / weekends are empty and quiet 🙄. I’m actually tired and am allowed time to rest / re-group / organise

My DER cared for his mother at his home. She had been living with DER's sister but DER says it nearly broke the sister's marriage. He is so sweet asking after my family and telling me to go home and enjoy an evening with my family.
I think the agony of caring for elders has always been around. Adam and Eve's daughters probably went through this.

I can only say that after having had FiL (with dementia) living with us for around a year - until I was too stressed and exhausted to do it any more - there was absolutely no way a few years later that I was having my DM (who’d also developed dementia) living with us. I did love her, but she’d never been the easiest person anyway, she would take offence at the tiniest little thing and either cry or have ‘that face’ (and voice) on, for days on end.

We supported her as best we could (me and siblings) until it was clear that she wasn’t safe to be left alone at all any more. We found (after a lot of looking) a nice care home for her.

Do people get to a stage of costing a very crisp immobile parent so often that family life becomes increasingly strained but from an emotional level feel little choice?

OP can you explain what you mean by this sentence? It looks like some spellcheckerisms crept in.

Your other question- I absolutely felt obliged (that's the word I would use) to work part-time in order to provide care. My DER didn't know I was caring for someone else, so he expected me to be available to visit him on my non-working days.

I sometimes look around at my colleagues doing professional jobs and wonder how they manage. Within my family there is an absolute expectation that care comes first - "what is the point of working if you can't look after your own?"

I would give up everything before letting my parents go into a home. Horrible places.

I’d never become a carer to my parents. Parents need to plan for their own care both practically and financially.

@heydorotheayoullgo i hope you are able to do what is important to you and many people do it. I’d just never say never.

Puts a huge strain on your own family too. I draw the line call one day to her. Not being manipulated by her into more. She not nice to deal with

Well good luck with that, you’re in with a chance if your DPs don’t get dementia.

I know a lady in my new job ( part time and poorly paid due to the challenges of looking after DPs along with menopause over the past year) who judged me for putting both DPs in a care home. I didn’t justify myself, I should not have to.

Gradually over the past few weeks it has transpired that although her elderly DM lives with her, she is still mobile and independent and even goes to line dancing. I shared that DM is fully incontinent, bedridden along with DF who falls over frequently, has bad diabetes now and doesn’t reliably remember to go to the toilet. Plus they lived an hour away and I am an only DC.

Do I think the care home is wonderful? No I don’t, we picked it in a hurry and despite the high price, few staff speak English and fewer still seem to have much interest in the residents. However it is very close so DH and I visit frequently and keep on top of things so they have company and get what they need. It scores highly in surveys so I can only assume it’s there or thereabouts with other care homes and a move would be very disruptive.
Their home was becoming dirty- yes I organised a cleaner but it needed a deep clean which they wouldn’t allow and they couldn’t wash properly or more correctly the carers couldn’t wash them properly as no downstairs wet room ( they refused to get one a few year’s ago) and they survived on mouldy out of date food as DF wouldn’t let me or the carers sort it out properly. Plus I was managing the bills and issues for their property an hour away.

You don’t know how your DPs will be, be careful of definitive promises or judging others for choices they made.

I know it’s popular to say so, but it’s quite wrong so say they’re all ‘horrible places’.

In this family we found very nice care homes for DM, FiL, and an aunt, all of whom had dementia at a stage where they needed 24/7 care and supervision, by which I mean someone on hand ALL day, ALL night, 365 days a year. Admittedly the homes that seemed exactly right for them did take some time and effort, but they certainly did exist.

I am guessing that you’ve never needed to live with someone whose dementia got to the stage where they were up and down for half the night, wanting to go out for fish and chips at 3 am, or knocking on a neighbour’s door in their nightie at 1 am, wanting to be driven to Scotland (from Berkshire). Plus constantly waking up dds who were coming up to GCSEs and A levels…

Let alone erupting into the sort of violent rages (when still physically fit) that meant I had to leave the house and take the terrified dog with me.
I could go on….

You say "everything".
Seriously:
A profession
A decent salary
Your privacy
Your partner
The home you share with your partner
Your kids' playdates
Sports day, concerts, dance displays
Your hobby

Some care homes are dreadful, but that's a whole other thread.

I never want my dds to have to look after me!

But nor do I want our assets (mine and dh’s) to disappear in care home fees.

🤞dh and I will both just drop dead before going doolally, or just quietly die ‘after a short illness’ as they often say in obituaries.

The care home fees are not the only thing that will drain your cash funds - private carers cost almost as much as a care home - and they are very much needed to avoid the situation of your kids looking after you. MIL's carers are costing almost £60k a year. And when she runs out that's when we are at the mercy of the council care - and that's not going to be easy on any of us - hang on to your cash - it will protect your kids from the burden of your care.

The best inheritance you can give your DCs is to allow them to live their lives unburdened by having to assume caring responsibilities for their DPs.

My DPs delayed the inevitable, resisted getting in the needed level of paid for care and have ended up in a care home anyway. Meanwhile their year of intransigence cost me the opportunity to get another well paid contract as I almost had a breakdown trying to keep them safe in their home. The only blessing was when they finally agreed to go into care they had ample funds to pay for it. Ironically I won’t have the same financial cushion in a large part because of their lack of preparation for extreme old age.

Useful things you can do include setting up POA, moving to smaller property near any DC, having a downstairs wet room installed, getting in cleaners and gardeners before you feel you actually need them oh and amassing as much savings as you can. I am also going to put in a directive to avoid medical interventions when I am 75+. Sadly medicine is so good these days they can keep just about anyone living.

Great list! I can't imagine how hard things would be for us if Mil was relying on the state to provide her care. Things are stretched to the limit and the politicians won't touch the topic - at a national level no one is talking about this. Our kids will assume there will be no inheritance - but there will also be no expectation on them to provide our care - we asked them which they preferred.
One of my friends told me his mum had sold up, bought a small one bed flat - so him and his sister could buy a massive house each - I asked him how she was going to fund her care - he said he didn't know anyone who needed care (because he hasn't reached that age) so he assumed his mother would be the same, she'd be fine - I hope he's right!

75+ is quite young.
My DF had a mild heart attack and stents at 90 and has a v good quality of life 5 years later.

However I agree re caring responsibilities

It's not just about making sacrifices for ourselves in order to care for our elderly parents, in my view it's often also directly and indirectly requiring sacrifices from our children. If I am exhausting myself trying to care for my Mum, I don't have much time and energy to support my children obviously. But perhaps less obviously I am more likely to become unwell myself (the impact on the health of women who become carers for their parent etc is well documented) and less likely to have savings to pay for care if/when I need it (especially if I have to reduce or stop working to do it). I'm also unlikely to have time for hobbies/making new friends etc so more likely to feel socially isolated in my older age. So my children are more likely to feel they have to help me, I'm more likely to rely on my DC for my social life and the cycle continues.
My DM has dementia and she and my brother are adamant that she should be cared for in her own home by family until the very end. Even if he and I shared that care, it would probably mean I had to cut my work back a lot and have very little time for my own DC/DH/friends. Trying to care for her, including travelling several hours each time it was my 'turn', would be totally physically exhausting and it could well go on until after I reach retirement age myself. There could possibly be an inheritance at the end, which I'm sure my brother thinks will be the answer to not having been able to earn enough to have his own savings but I would not want to rely on that for my own financial security as it's perfectly possible that in the later stages Mum could need far more care than we could possibly provide, even with all the sacrifices in the world, and that would quickly take up any assets she has.
My brother is promising Mum that she will never be put in residential care and we will do whatever is needed as it's 'just the right thing to do, to look after family.' Personally, I can't see how running myself in to the ground regardless of the impact on my own children/DH/self is 'right'. I won't make promises I know I am unlikely to keep and this is causing quite a rift.

Your brother has no bloody business making promises on your behalf