My dad is making me miserable

[RoseField1]

He's 75. Mum died 18 months ago. Mum was a wonderful person but also an enabler of my dad and his coercive, controlling, hypercritical, passive aggressive, manipulate behaviour.
For the 5 years or so before she died I had a strategy of minimising exposure to him which was fairly easy with siblings and my mum around. Prior to that he and I would fall out around once a year. He thought I was oversensitive and prickly, I felt I was reacting to his judgement and criticism.
Anyway, since mum died it's gone downhill steeply. I made a massive effort to visit him and call him regularly on the phone since then. I hoster Christmas shortly after she died. My dad stayed too long and on boxing day he decided to go after my DH. He doesn't see it as a big deal because he's used to being able to talk to people how he wants and they put up with it. But DH refused. He left the house and didn't come back until dad was gone. I tried to reconcile them but it went badly and DH was rude to dad and walked out. That's a nutshell without too much detail. Suffice to say my DH has parent related trauma and just wants to be away from it all. I don't blame him, but it does leave me in the crossfire of my dad.
Dad cannot and will not accept that he doesn't want to reconcile. It's far too late for that now anyway - even if he did, there is far too much resentment on dad's side for it to be genuine. But dad won't accept it, and is pressuring me to fix it, and blaming and punishing me when I can't and won't. He doesn't accept that I don't control my DH and won't try.
To be slightly fair to my dad it's only in the last week that he's been told that DH won't agree to try to reconcile. Until now he had been waiting I suppose for me to sort it out. Whereas I have been waiting for him to stop bringing it up. So I have my part to play. But he's honestly being a complete arsehole to me about it. He veers between having a go and telling me not to message him then apologising and then doing it again. I get tricked by his apology into relaxing and then it comes back again.
I am not due to see him until end of August for a family wedding but I'm feeling sick about the situation. I know I'm in FOG and I'm working every day to recondition myself but it's so so hard. And on top of that I feel residual guilt about him being old and lonely.

No, he won't do it for my sake or any reason. This is non negotiable and I'm not going to pursue it. That ship has well and truly sailed.

It's a sibling so I really don't want to if I'm honest. It would feel like I was punishing him.

I am. 100%. This is part of what is making dad angry. He doesn't understand why I can't make DH do what he wants him to do and why I won't try. But I already had a marriage where we both felt we had the right to push each other into doing things we didn't want to do (where did I learn that??) and I'm absolutely not doing that again.

I have re read this post and I think you are doing yourself a huge disservice to put you self through that. I don't think that advising other people's spouses to follow your example is very sensible. I think you should drop the rope yourself, you shouldn't have to put up with that.

I think you need to take some time, ideally between now and the wedding to decide where you are comfortable and be prepared to review that and make changes as and when necessary according to DF behaviour.

He's not going to get any easier to deal with, and is likely to get far worse. There is no better time to state your position clearly, why you've come to that conclusion and stick to it. There's no amount of making yourself smaller or more agreeable that will change his behaviour and you will disappear down the crack between your DH and your DF if you let yourself. Center yourself. Stick to that.

Learning as much as you can about FOG and topic family dynamics is really helpful as it gives you insights you may not have recognised and gives you the language to name the behaviours.

Do look up Dr Ramani on YouTube. She is very good.

Good for you! Your DH is absolutely right. Nobody needs to tolerate abuse or bullying behaviours because elderly or family. I just wouldn’t get involved. And I would take a leaf out of your DH’s book if I were you. It sounds like your father has been enabled to be unpleasant for too many years. And maybe he’s getting the wake-up call he needs before it’s too late?

Tell him to be quiet and that you will not discuss it anymore.
So what? If Dad’s not nice, what does he add to your life. This man has never been told “no”. And now your DH has, because of your Dad’s behaviour.
Please stand up for your DH. Do not allow your dad to punish you. You are the grown up now. Let your Dad have his tantrum when you stand firm.

Great advice. I do this with my father. The minute he starts ranting about something I listen and don’t respond at all and when he’s finished I just change the subject. Takes all the wind out of his sales. It works , it’s just I have to do it several times every single time I see him as he doesn’t seem to get the message.