My dad is making me miserable

[RoseField1]

He's 75. Mum died 18 months ago. Mum was a wonderful person but also an enabler of my dad and his coercive, controlling, hypercritical, passive aggressive, manipulate behaviour.
For the 5 years or so before she died I had a strategy of minimising exposure to him which was fairly easy with siblings and my mum around. Prior to that he and I would fall out around once a year. He thought I was oversensitive and prickly, I felt I was reacting to his judgement and criticism.
Anyway, since mum died it's gone downhill steeply. I made a massive effort to visit him and call him regularly on the phone since then. I hoster Christmas shortly after she died. My dad stayed too long and on boxing day he decided to go after my DH. He doesn't see it as a big deal because he's used to being able to talk to people how he wants and they put up with it. But DH refused. He left the house and didn't come back until dad was gone. I tried to reconcile them but it went badly and DH was rude to dad and walked out. That's a nutshell without too much detail. Suffice to say my DH has parent related trauma and just wants to be away from it all. I don't blame him, but it does leave me in the crossfire of my dad.
Dad cannot and will not accept that he doesn't want to reconcile. It's far too late for that now anyway - even if he did, there is far too much resentment on dad's side for it to be genuine. But dad won't accept it, and is pressuring me to fix it, and blaming and punishing me when I can't and won't. He doesn't accept that I don't control my DH and won't try.
To be slightly fair to my dad it's only in the last week that he's been told that DH won't agree to try to reconcile. Until now he had been waiting I suppose for me to sort it out. Whereas I have been waiting for him to stop bringing it up. So I have my part to play. But he's honestly being a complete arsehole to me about it. He veers between having a go and telling me not to message him then apologising and then doing it again. I get tricked by his apology into relaxing and then it comes back again.
I am not due to see him until end of August for a family wedding but I'm feeling sick about the situation. I know I'm in FOG and I'm working every day to recondition myself but it's so so hard. And on top of that I feel residual guilt about him being old and lonely.

Your situation is very similar to mine minus the dh fallout as I’m single but my father’s behaviour is pretty much the same as your fathers, my mum was the patient soft enabler who shielded us from the worse of his tantrums and spitefulness. Since she has passed he has become almost unmanageable. I still have to see him regularly otherwise the huge family fallout from it would destroy my relationship with my sibling. My father is 80 this year and I can honestly say I hope he doesn’t live much longer. I love him but I do not like him one bit. I will return to this thread later op I have to go out now but you have my absolute sympathy. Just remember though you aren’t responsible for your father’s behaviour, it’s all on him how he handles life.

You really do need to stop ‘managing’ his behaviour. I know you don’t think you are, but you are. The obvious answer when he raises it would be, ‘Don’t be ridiculous Dad! You behaved appallingly and DH doesn’t want to put up with you. And he doesn’t have to!’.

Followed by as many repeats as necessary.

Thank you 🌺
I have to admit the thought of another decade or more of this painful shit is awful. I am sorry you're in the same boat. The DH argument is almost a red herring as if it wasn't this it would be something else.

And believe me I sympathise. My mother is the dad in your situation.

I wish it was that easy. It's the entire family fallout that would follow. He's alreafy triangulating me against my siblings. To be fair they aren't buying in but it's so difficult.

I get it. We do manage their behaviour. But we will be miserable and exhausted if we don’t do better!
Can you not be non confrontational, just very matter of fact? He doesn’t want to Dad. He’s avoiding arguing with you, Dad.

Have you read about Grey Rock? It’s the only way to cope, imo. Deflect deflect deflect, but without anything that gives him or your siblings purchase. Like being a slippery bar of soap!

You are giving him too much power .

Yes I definitely am. 46 years of conditioning is hard to break away from.

Yes to grey rock. I am so bad at this. He triggers me so much

You're an adult.
Not a scared kid anymore.
Grey rock technique - he'll get bored eventually when he doesn't get a reaction

Oh OP, I feel for you. Slightly different circumstances for me and the other way round - I can't stand my 'd'M-she makes me feel like shit/irritates me to death, nearly every time I have to spend any time with her, but like PP has said, I have to keep some contact otherwise it will (and already has) affected my relationship with dSibling. We had approx 6/7 years of caring for Ddad until he passed a couple of years ago and the care was 24/7 (couldn't be left for more than 5 mins at times) and I felt coerced into a level of care I shall never forgive her for. She has also shattered my happy memories of dad because of that. As soon as he died, she 'aged' and now can't drive and leans on us more and more. So we rolled from caring for one parent, straight onto the other. I know some people have it worse but it is positively the most difficult situation I have ever dealt with and I've been through a lot in life. The whole family dynamic has changed now dad has gone-he was the fun one, the glue that kept us together and the buffer for her irritating and upsetting projections. One thing I have learned and that has helped, is to stop trying to please her all the time - I just agree with everything she says (advised by old neighbour) drop the mental guilt when I can (really hard when it's so bad it's got you to talking out loud to yourself) and I've also learned to say no. (I also tell her to fuck off a lot in my head) I'm not responsible for her happiness and I think I'm suffering from caring fatigue. I love her, but really, really do not like her personality and manner. As the old saying goes, we can choose our friends, but not our family. Sending peace OP 🙏 X

OP I could have written your post word for word right down to the 'oversensitive and prickly' and the ' I get tricked by his apology into relaxing and then it comes back again'. I read your post aghast because it was so familiar.

I feel for you as it is so bloody awful. It feels like a trap.

This point of yours is key I think "I wish it was that easy. It's the entire family fallout that would follow. He's already triangulating me against my siblings. To be fair they aren't buying in but it's so difficult."

This is the Fear part of FOG.
You are only wanting to set boundaries and ask for decent treatment - you're not asking for anything unreasonable and yet you are afraid your siblings will side with him (even though they are not).
Work on this. Talk to your siblings really openly and honestly. Ask for their help. Tell them how it is. Whilst the threat of wider family implications hang over you then you are as isolated and in your dad's thrall as you were when you were 7.

Fill your space. Set your boundaries. Involve your husband and the most straightforward, decent people in your family. Set boundaries.

One smaller/easier thing that worked with my dad was to only ever talk to him about banal stuff - the grey rock thing. I would have a list of nonsense I would talk to him - dogs, football, weather, my friend's new house, my veg patch. At the first sign of him going off on one I would interrupt with, 'OH, remember I told you about Toby, well he chased his ball into the pond in the park on Tuesday............'. The distraction was enough to work.

My dad died suddenly and it all stopped. The relief was intense.
On reflection there was no good way to handle it. He could be a right arsehole.
Put yourself first. You'll never regret it.

You've done nothing to deserve this shit. Don't put up with it.

It is just shit and you are correct there is no smooth answer where others who are equally conditioned by his shitty behaviour will behave in “normal” ways if you respond to it.

I strongly suggest you read Educated by Tara Westover. It is an extreme version of your experience but it will help you stop feeling alone in this. My family has similar patterns. I walked away a long time ago for my sanity. DHs family is more or less identical to yours expect FIL was physically violent and exhibited a tonne of coercive control. We have fantastic lives now but we have nearly fully separated from family to achieve that. Sometimes these situations just cannot be fixed.

I suggest you start to train yourself to stop taking responsibility for him and learn to deal with the backlash rather than learning to deal with him.

@RoseField1 I had CBT to help with my similar issue- it really helped me to set boundaries.

Thank you all. I'm tearful reading your similar posts and knowing I'm not alone and it's not me who is the problem. Intellectually I know exactly what's happening but emotionally I'm still a 10 year old girl I think. I've made so many strides to sort myself out over the past ten years and I'm so much more confident and self aware than I used to be but he pulls me right back into the dynamic with one word. I'm spiralling today because of a couple of texts sent over the weekend that I haven't replied to.
Thank you for advice about my siblings too. I have, I do speak to them openly and they are actually great but they have their own shit going on and I don't want to be a burden. Or impact their relationships with him.

Grey rock is the way to go.

I would add that you are not responsible for your husbands feelings/behaviour. It's not up to you to fix anything. Their feelings towards each other are between the two of them.

I could have written your post too. Mum died a year ago and it's become apparent that she did an awful lot of covering for my dad's terrible behaviour. After his last outburst, I've gone NC to save my own sanity. My brother calls him once a week to establish that he's still alive but refuses to engage any further than that. Actions have consequences, and he's going to be a very isolated and lonely man as there is nobody left who will put up with him (he's got one sister left and she cut him out about 20 years ago after their parents died).

Dad will never acknowledge that he's in the wrong and I can't change that. He has been mean and manipulative all my life, and it's taken me this long to realise what a toll it has taken.

All you need to agree with your siblings is that they understand you’re doing your best, given that he’s manipulative and volatile.
You want them to tell you it’s ok, they won’t get angry with you. A sibling reminder that you’re all on the same side.

For your sake can your DH not just sit in a room occasionally with his FIL have a cup of tea just be civil.

myself and my dp both have dreadful toxic families. We are low or no contact with everyone. But over the decades depending on what’s going on the other one will support the person who is seeing their family. Each of us needs that support to be able to get through it.

Over the years just off the top of my head for my DP I’ve stood on a pavement outside a parents house as I wasn’t allowed in, I’ve sat in a room whilst blanked for five hours at least ten times, I’ve been insulted to my face and behind my back, I’ve tolerated one of their parents repeatedly drunk, I have helped one of their parents with an abusive partner, we’ve had a parent live with us. oh and I tried to tolerate comments about me being a single parent and my past but in the end I did have to voice my opinion on that topic as it went too far.

I did all of that for my DP as it’s not his fault. And my family are different and been spectacularly awful to me it’s just aimed at me when he’s with me not him so a little easier.

The point being we get each other through.

I've been non contact for over 10 years now for similar reasons, but my mother. Father was the enabler and died at 80. For your own sake you need to get a grip of this, I kept hoping it would be resolved by my mother dying but she is going strong at 95.

Good luck!

I was so glad to read this bit because I was wondering about your siblings. Seems to me that what you need from them is to know that THEY know it’s not you - that when he starts triangulating, you know that they won’t take his side against you. From what you said that’s not going to happen - he’s their dad too, they must know what he’s like. While it’s true that every sibling had a different set of parents, I doubt your dad had it in him to be sweetness and light to any of you! So perhaps this is the reassurance you need to seek from them - that whatever he says, they know it’s him. Not you. And I would suggest that you think about accessing therapy. I had to do that because I just couldn’t get my thoughts straight, as you say my seven year old self was still underpinning my thought processes and I couldn’t see clearly. It only took two sessions, best money I ever spent on anything. I thought it would go on forever and cost a fortune, but not so. Sending strength. And a double of whatever you drink!

Unless it is a very close relative skip the family wedding, just find any excuse. It is too soon after this latest standoff. And well done to your DH for taking a stand. Fortunately you have siblings so the burden of dealing with DF as he ages will not all fall on you. Unpleasant difficult people generally get worse as they get older so you really need to distance yourself, it might be another 20+ years.

You're going to have to find a way to navigate this that doesn't centre anyone other than yourself.

You're dealing with two entrenched men, neither of whom is willing to budge.

My advice would be to remove yourself from the web. Drop the rope. Tell them both that you're out and you will not engage any further.

It's the only way to break the pattern and remove yourself from the triangulation.

It's not easy. It takes cast-iron boundaries and a solid resolve.

Work on your own emotional resilience. Us women are deeply conditioned to feel guilt for not doing what is expected of us. You have to lean to deal with that by reminding yourself, indeed teaching yourself, to refuse that guilt.

Your father is not the king of the universe. He is an ageing man who is now seeing the results of his behaviour and he doesn't like it. Well, tough shit. Not your responsibility.

You might benefit from some counselling to help you free yourself of the FOG.

Put yourself first. Nobody has the right to rob you of your own peace and happiness. You deserve it.

It’s a pity that it’s taken your father 75 years to learn the all-important life lesson that actions have consequences. I admire your DH’s boundaries. Please respect them.

This is absolutely true and a really good way to handle things but I think the first step of much, much lower contact needs to come at the same time as the support and understanding from her partner.