Has anyone stopped visiting an elderly parent for their own wellbeing?

[Suffolker]

DH had a very difficult and dysfunctional family upbringing. He is one of three siblings and he’s not now in contact with the other two. Around 12 years ago he took on responsibility for the care of his DM until she died 10 years ago (she didn’t live with us but he sorted out all care and took a lot on himself, with no support from the other two). The stress of doing this put an enormous strain on his mental heath and he had to take time off work.

His DF is now very poorly, in a care home, and extremely confused and abusive towards DH when he visits. The siblings do not visit or make any contact. DH is finding this incredibly difficult, and it’s bringing up all sorts of unresolved trauma from his childhood. I think continuing to visit his DF is becoming pointless and damaging for everyone. His DF appears to take no comfort from it at all (he seems to get agitated and angry), and DH is very upset by it all. I’m worried his mental health will not withstand much more.

Has anyone else just stopped visiting an elderly parent in a similar situation? DH feels a responsibility towards his DF but they have never had a close or ‘normal’ relationship.

Yes. I’ve done that. No regrets - I need to prioritise my mental health. Haven’t seen my mother for a year now and will keep it that way. I don’t love her, don’t even like her, and now she’s in her late 80s it seems to me that I’m the one with the future and I’m going to live my own life and be happy.

First thing I would suggest is reducing the length of visits. A quick 10 minute visit once a week if practical. That means the care home will see someone is checking in (it shouldn't matter but sadly does) and all his dad will remember is that someone visits occasionally not how often or for how long.

And if those stressful visits are too much just phone occassionally and speak to staff.

Your DH should put himself first

I had a difficult relationship with my mother, so I did 'duty' visits during the many years she was in a dementia care home. I visited once every 2 or 3 weeks to check she was being well cared for, took her toiletries, chatted to the staff.

My mother by this point was fairly docile and she mainly ignored me. If she had been abusive, I would not have put myself through it.

Once during a visit, after sitting with her a while, I went to the staff room to talk to the manager. I came back ten minutes later and my mother greeted me like she hadn't seen me for months. His dad will have no idea whether he visits every day or never.

Your husband needs to ask himself why he's visiting. Who benefits? Not his dad, and certainly not him. If he can't bring himself to completely stop, he could certainly radically reduce the number and length of his visits.

Yes. Making sure someone is cared for is a perfectly reasonable way of carrying out a responsibility. Most of us who visit have at least some good memories or positive views of our childhood. He doesn’t have to hurt himself any more.

It’s possible to stay in touch with the care home without visiting - so to continue to oversee the care/be a contact without putting himself through actually visiting. My mother’s nursing home was part of an organisation that in theory gave remote access to her care notes - tbh we never actually managed to achieve that but we did try! How would that feel?

Thank you for your replies, which have helped a lot. I’ve previously guilt-tripped DH into visiting, just because I found it sad that he’d have no other visitors. More recently I’ve come to realise that he’s done his best but needs to take a step back for his own health. His father has no quality of life now, but he’s being looked after and that’s all we can manage. Extremely difficult situation and I fully sympathise with anyone else going through it.

You saw what he went through caring for his mum, and the impact it’s had on his mental heath and you’ve since guilt-tripped him into visiting his dad even though it’s causing him further distress to do so?

If I’ve misunderstood, I apologise. But if I’ve understood correctly you need to apologise to him and tell him it’s ok to stop Because he needs to put himself first. Had he had any treatment for his mental health? Any therapy or counselling?

OP isn't guilt-tripping DH at all! She is suggesting he stops visiting his DF because it's affecting DH's mental health. OP is just asking if anyone else has done this. Not sure what post you were reading.

The one above mine where she says I’ve previously guilt-tripped DH into visiting, just because I found it sad that he’d have no other visitors.

I hope your dh stops or lessens his visits. It's not achieving anything but grief for him. I'm glad you've stopped guilt tripping him.

Yes I think I have probably guilt-tripped him into going in the past, but this is over 10 years since his DM died and he had been coping with it until very recently. I’m not planning to do that anymore as I can see it’s not doing him any good.

Why don’t you go visit instead OP?

I do! I often go with DH, when I can

Could you not go instead of DH rather than with him? So he can reduce the frequency of his own visits further. This is what we do for a parent in a care home and means less load on one person.

I am in this process myself due to similar issues. Cut back to once a month a while ago. Now shortening the length of the visit, and took 3 months off visiting at the start of the year as I needed the break. I don't know whether I will stop entirely, but will only go when I feel up to it.

There are people who judge me for it, I won't lie. Even people who know the tricky circumstances and issues when I visit. It is just expected, so when I get asked the question of how my parent is doing I just say "The same. No change." Usually stops any follow up questions and any distress on my part.

I think it's very easy for people to say that you should be minding or be regularly visiting an elderly parent in a nursing home. The elderly parent may have had a poor relationship with their child for years before they needed care. Then dealing with a parent with confusion ect is hard.
It obvious that your husband steeped up before when his mother needed help. He has no contact with his siblings and they have done nothing to help out with either elderly parents. That tells me the parents were poor for years and your husband has his reasons for no contact with his siblings.

In your husband's case I would encourage him to visit his father less and for a shorter period of time. He can ring the nursing home to see how he is and if he needs anything extra things. It not been mean but he needs to consider his own health in this situation and what he is doing at the moment is not helping this. I know he is married and you may also have kids as well so it not just effecting him but you also.

I have a friend whose is currently making plans so they won't be as available for care in the next few years. There parent has refused to listen to any advice given in regards to getting older and putting things in place for this stage. They have treated my friend poorly and offered them very little help or support despite knowing at times they need this.
I know all my friend went through with this parent and they are doing what best for them now and into the future.

Some times the best thing to do is to step back and let carers or nursing home staff deal with parents in this situation. They are trained, have experience and can get help from other companies workers when required.

I've had to stop going over to my parents. It's been getting too much. My dad has vascular dementia. My mum has something undiagnosed(possibly body lewey dementia) but she won't go to get diagnosed and in her paranoia she treats me like the devil incarnate and won't even open the door to me. My dad is now accusing me and my husband of stealing his money. I've been accused of stealing his medication, and many other things. I'm his POA and it's now active so this is where it's all came from. I've done everything in my power to get them help but no one will. Their GP won't go out to see them, I've been in touch with Age Scotland, Hourglass, and social work. Absolutely nothing to help. Parents won't let people in and deny everything. I see to my dad's finances and put money in an envelope through their door every 10 days so they can get their shopping. It's a nightmare, I'm broken by it.

Thank you for your very thoughtful post. I agree that he should definitely go less often, and check in via the staff instead. We both think he is being well cared for, even though he despises every single one of the staff. I honestly don’t know how they do that job, but I suppose at least they get to leave it all behind at the end of the shift.

Oh yes, but that says previously, and OP probably feels guilty now for having done that.

I did now and then chicken out of visiting my DM (with dementia) in her care home - just couldn’t face the endless ‘Have you come to take me home? Get me out of here!’ etc. It was so stressful.

It was a lovely care home, and TBH we had left it rather late to move her anyway - because it’s such a massive, agonising decision. She had no understanding of her condition, could not remember that she could no longer even make herself a cup of tea, and frankly was no longer safe to be left alone even for half an hour.

It sounds awful to say it, but visiting became a lot easier once she no longer recognised me (which happened very suddenly) - I was just a ‘nice lady’ who made her cups of tea and brought her chocolate.

How about this? DH visits MY mum in her care home and I visit HIS mum in her care home.
They are both (unfortunately) biligerent old bats now, neither seem pleased to see either of us.
But we don't have the emotional connection to the in-law if you see what I mean. I don't care if his mum curses at me and vice versa. So we go in, check the standard of care, find their glasses and hearing aids, give them a chocolate biscuit and bugger off, mental health still in tact. Could you pop in on his Dad whilst he does something else useful?

@Suffolker I agreed to be the nominated person on my Mum’s DOLs the requirement is to visit once every 6 weeks. Reducing visits as pp have said is not unreasonable as your DH’s mental health is more important.

I haven’t stopped but have hugely cut back. If they were in any way abusive, iI would immediately stop.

Nobody gets the right to disturb another persons peace. Not even a parent.

I’ve had absolute hell on earth for the past 6 months with my dm and I’m stepping back a little (for now). She’s recently moved into a care home and I haven’t been for a good few days. Primarily as I’m not well but I desperately need the break.

For the first time in months, I actually slept last night.

This sounds impossibly hard. I am so sorry.

I am already in this situation but with a mother not yet in a care home. She is losing her faculties fast in her late eighties, but is unkind, spiteful and paranoid. I absolutely dread seeing her and don’t even like her. I’ve tried for years to help but have had enough. For the upteenth time I have blocked her calls and messages because it’s destroying my mental health. I literally have no positive memories of her and had a shit childhood. I can see my mother needing to go into residential care in a year or so. To be honest if she gets to the stage she doesn’t recognise me it will be a relief.

Your poor husband. He’s done quite enough. He should be off the hook entirely and not feel the least bit guilty. Clearly his siblings have left him to it. Let them step up . If they don’t, he shouldn’t feel guilty.