Accused of abuse or neglect

[BananaRama10]

I'm hoping for advice as I'm extremely worried.

I've lived with my father and been his main/sole carer for the past four years. Around six months ago, he had a fall and went into hospital where it was decided that he needed a care package 4 x daily to assist with personal care, meals etc. This helped greatly as I also work and was having to juggle all of this for him around working and looking after my 3 year old who I'm a single mum to.

Once carers were establised to get him up in the mornings, shower him, make meals, put him to bed etc, and he was used to the situation, I decided it was time for me to find my own property, to move out and make a permanent home for me and my DC, as I had been bearing a heavy burden being his carer for 4 years and my DC also deserved a home to call our own. It had been not only a heavy mental burden juggling everything but also physical, as he was having falls and I was having to single handeldly lift him up off the floor, and back onto his chair and this would often turn into him struggling against me, hitting out at me, telling me he would get police involved etc as it was "assault" according to him. Even things such as helping him walk to the toilet (he can manage to walk, but with a zimmer frame and is quite unsteady/unsafe), with me walking beside him and putting my hands on his shoulders and back to straighten him up so he that he was more steady and didn't fall, was met with him lashing out and shouting about it being "abuse". It was really difficult.

I bought a property in January and have been slowly spending more and more time at my new property as it was being done up. Over the past couple of months, he has been quite bitter and resentful at my moving out, saying that he'll hardly ever see my child, that I was "taking DC away from him", that he'll miss DC etc. But this was interspersed with us getting on fine. We do argue, a lot, we've always just been that way since I can remember. But no falling out has lasted more than a couple of hours.

Fast forward to last Wednesday, I called over to his with some shopping as I hadn't been over for a couple of days. The door was locked and lights were out. I knocked for ages but no answer. I called the care company office who advised me that he was safe but they couldn't tell me any more. Following this, I contacted the social work department; a social worker got back to me to advise that my dad didn't want to see me and asked me to stay away from his property. That was all the information they could give me and that's all i've heard since.

This evening, i had a missed call and a voicemail from the police, saying that its "nothing to worry about" but they will call back later on this evening, so could I please answer any calls.

I do suffer from anxiety and know that I tend to catastrophise but I am very much panicking now as contact from the police, coupled with social work having advised me that i've to stay away from my fathers property at his request, which sounds like a safeguarding issue, sounds like he has made some kind of serious allegation/s against me.

What can I expect from here? If he has made allegations against me, will I end up being arrested/charged? I'm sitting here panicking that I'm going to be arrested, go to court, put in prison etc. I have never abused him. Yes, verbally we argue a lot, but that is our way. It's also coupled with frustration and carer burnout to be honest. But I have most certainly not been abusive. I'm so worried that they will believe whatever these allegations are and that my entire life will end up being affected and ruined.

It's difficult to answer obviously without knowing the allegations. But social services are very very used to the concept of carer burnout and how it affects family relationships and create incredibly difficult situations for all involved. Any allegations should be reviewed thoroughly and look at it from all sides.
In terms of safeguarding your father, you're no longer at the property which is a plus. Moving out was definitely the right thing to do for you and DC though understandably difficult for your father.
I hope they contact you soon so that you can at least find out what's going on. Not knowing is incredibly stressful and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thank you for the reply. Would social services have contacted the police unless they believed that the accusations are credible? Surely not? I've never been in any kind of trouble with the police in my life so this kind of contact with them is terrifying. I'm assuming that the allegations are of a physical nature aa he often used to shout about abuse and curse and swear at me if he ever fell and I pulled him up off the floor or if i was physically trying to assist him to the toilet, his bedroom etc. I'm worried sick.

Yes, it is not social services job to decide to believe or not. It’s for police to investigate regardless. But if you’ve done nothing wrong you have not to worry about.

Ok so it's standard procedure for police to do the investigating whether or not SS believe the allegations or not? I assume they are probably duty bound to report it. I just feel sick in case they believe him, I mean it's his word against mine, isn't it?

I just can't believe he has done this. I've basically given up my life for him for the past few years and now this. I'm just confused, upset, hurt all over the place really.

Best wishes to you for a good outcome, I am sorry this is happening to you.

I have recently gone nc with my elderly 89 year old aunt. I live 350 miles away and recently she asked me to help her extend her lease. Every time I rang with info or something she had to do she accused me of ‘making her ill’. ‘I’m between a rock and a hard place’. Horrible, after many similar incidents I have stopped contacting her.

Let us know what happens.

I will. I'm sorry similar is happening with you, it's very hurtful. And in my case, frightening, in case these allegations are believed. I am definitely no contact following this.

SS will hand it over to the police to investigate.

they will ring you and speak to you or possibly call in.

it is very common for accusations of abuse to be made and SS are completely used to dealing with this. Some accusations are substantiated but a lot of abuse accusations are not substantiated and are neighbours/ill people who see or hear some things and are concerned.

a lot of these accusations once investigated turn out to be not what was suggested. But SS and police do need to follow them up because otherwise they don’t know.

they’ll come out and talk to you as a first step.
very few situations go beyond that.

Absolutely standard practice to involve the police, definitely doesn’t mean anything sinister.

I would say what you have said here - he’s annoyed you are moving out, and has been lashing out. As you say, it is his word against yours, I assume he has no injuries, and I imagine he behaves similarly with the agency carers. Very unlikely to go anywhere, honestly even when HCPs genuinely do think carers are abusing older people the focus is on keeping the patient safe not prosecuting the family member, unless there are significant injuries.

Thank you for your reassurance.

He's actually fine with carers, but then they aren't the ones physically lugging him up off the floor once he's had a fall and they just wheel him through to the bathroom/other rooms. I don't, I help him to walk with his zimmer, to help him to maintain his albeit limited mobility. And it's when i try and help him to stand up straight that he accuses me/lashes out. But the carers have been showering and washing him down for almost a year. If there was any abuse going on then any marks/bruises from abuse would have been noticed and reported, which has never happened.

This is just awful and i'm going to feel ill until it's all concluded. And i take it this sort of investigation will drag on, I don't know, I've never been involved in anything like this.

Sounds very stressful. The accusing and lashing out at those who are trying their best to take care of him reminds me of my MIL who suffers with dementia. There's no persuading her when she's (incorrectly) decided someone is against her and she will be be verbally and physically abusive and demand the police called etc. To a stranger it would be very hard to assess what was going on. It might be worth considering as a possibility to account for his behaviour- he could get assessed by his GP and referred if deemed necessary by them.

If he's just a crotchety man trying to get you in trouble with police after all you've done for him then that's awful and I'm sorry.

In his head your forcing him to do things he doesn't want to do, it's not wrong for someone to not understand that you are making him stand up and do things himself for the greater good.

It does concern me though, massively, you've jumped to no one would have seen bruises therefore there can't possibly be anything to worry about.

You've nothing to hide so therefore nothing to worry about, why do you suddenly think your going to prison?

And IMHO, good on social services and the care company for doing the right thing. They should take these things seriously, even if it hurts your feelings for a few weeks. Long term, big picture - right thing to do

F

I hope you get some clarity on this tomorrow and you feel less anxious.

It won’t necessarily drag on.

they’ll come and talk to you. Quite often they’ll then say at the end of the conversation that they consider the matter closed.

hospitals these days make mandatory referrals to SS for pretty much all childhood injuries. They send out a social worker who just checks out the story.

it’s just a second line of investigation.

allegations have been made. They need to talk to you to find out what the situation is. You explain that (eg your autistic child was having a meltdown/your two year old fell down the stairs/ or in your case that you were caring for him and had to get him up off the floor/shower him etc.)

they don’t at this stage think you have done anything wrong, but every allegation has to be investigated.

think of it as ticking a box.

As others have said it's an allegation that has been made and has to be investigated. Please try not to worry too much.

Your dad is spiteful though. Does he know the outcome of this is that you won't be able to see him at all, now that these allegations have been made? So he's punishing himself really.

If you'd read the wider context of my posts, you'd have seen that I said that I suffer from anxiety and catastrophise, hence why I'm panicking and thinking that the worst possible outcome is what's going to happen. I was once pulled over by the police for speeding and almost had a panic attack, before i'd even stopped the car and spoken to them, I had visions of them carting me off to the local police station . It's the nature of anxiety; catastrophisation.

Regarding marks/bruises, my point is that if I was genuinely some kind of abuser then surely there would have been signs pointing to this ie ongoing signs of physical abuse or neglect ie leaving him without food and essentials, as opposed to one accusation out of nowhere? I'm not sure what your massive concern is here, could you elaborate further on this? I'm far from abusive, i've done everything for him, often to the detriment of me and my own child.

I have no issue with due diligence being done by the authorities, nor have I stated anywhere that I do. It is completely understandable that accusations are explored further. That isn't the point of my post. The point of my post is my worry and hurt that i'm being accused of something awful.

I'm not sure he's thought that far ahead. Maybe he does think I'm being abusive when I'm actually genuinely trying to help him. Maybe I shouldn't have picked him up off the floor, I've often had to just put my arms around him and lug him up. Ditto when he's walking, I want him to stay safe when he's walking and not end up tipping over. I don't even know what the accusations are exactly tbh, I'm racking my brains as to what it can be. It's just extremely hurtful and to be honest, scary having the police wanting to speak to you to investigate such a thing.

Just an update, well more of a non update really, as I said, the police called yesterday around 5, left a voicemail saying they'd call back in a couple of hours, but I heard nothing from them last night, and have still heard nothing. So it's still hanging over me...

I hope you hear something soon op

No it’s not his word against yours! It’s his word against the body of evidence. Of which there is none…

@BananaRama10 what a difficult time. I feel you anxiety. I'd be anxious in this situation more from having to wait around to find out what the accusations are.
You've done amazing looking after him. I agree he should be encouraged to walk too rather than just push him in a chair to retain muscle power. However carers are often short of time.

With regards to the falls I would suggest calling the falls team to help him up, they have specialised lifting equipment, I've seen it in action with my FIL quite amazing.
It is very easy to injure someone lifting them up and you could also injure yourself. The falls team are available via 999 ...the call operator would divert the call or you may be able to get the number via the social care website, the carers may also have access to that number if you chat with their local office. Has he had a falls assessment as another point to make and does he have a falls alarm?
I hope you get this sorted quickly. I'd be beside myself despite being a health care professional myself, albeit retired.

I just don't know how all of this works. I know i'm probably seeing everything at it's worst right now but it's hard not to. I did admit to the social worker that I'm completely burnt out from it all, I was actually in tears, but that burnt outness manifests itself as me being exhausted, ill at times with all I have to deal with and my father and I shouting and arguing with one another. On one hand, I'm glad I'm completely out of ghe caring role now, but on the other hand, I now have this to deal with..

Thank you. I know I should call someone, I wasn't aware that there was a specific falls team, i thought that my only option was either to call an ambulance, which seemed overkill as I was able to pull him up myself after checking that there were no obvious injuries or wait till carers came, which could mean him just lying there for ages.

I'm leaving it up to other people now to provide care, as I'm just not prepared to put myself in this situation anymore. That may sound selfish, but I need to concentrate on me and my DC.

I am sorry you are going through this op. I would be devastated too, after everything you have been doing for him. He has shot himself in the foot though, as he has ruined your relationship and his with his grand kids presumably. The situation will be resolved, hopefully quickly, and you can relax and breathe without the caring responsibilities you have been dealing with. I wouldn’t be speaking to him again, never mind caring for him!