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Elderly parents

Accused of abuse or neglect

41 replies

BananaRama10 · 13/05/2026 20:14

I'm hoping for advice as I'm extremely worried.

I've lived with my father and been his main/sole carer for the past four years. Around six months ago, he had a fall and went into hospital where it was decided that he needed a care package 4 x daily to assist with personal care, meals etc. This helped greatly as I also work and was having to juggle all of this for him around working and looking after my 3 year old who I'm a single mum to.

Once carers were establised to get him up in the mornings, shower him, make meals, put him to bed etc, and he was used to the situation, I decided it was time for me to find my own property, to move out and make a permanent home for me and my DC, as I had been bearing a heavy burden being his carer for 4 years and my DC also deserved a home to call our own. It had been not only a heavy mental burden juggling everything but also physical, as he was having falls and I was having to single handeldly lift him up off the floor, and back onto his chair and this would often turn into him struggling against me, hitting out at me, telling me he would get police involved etc as it was "assault" according to him. Even things such as helping him walk to the toilet (he can manage to walk, but with a zimmer frame and is quite unsteady/unsafe), with me walking beside him and putting my hands on his shoulders and back to straighten him up so he that he was more steady and didn't fall, was met with him lashing out and shouting about it being "abuse". It was really difficult.

I bought a property in January and have been slowly spending more and more time at my new property as it was being done up. Over the past couple of months, he has been quite bitter and resentful at my moving out, saying that he'll hardly ever see my child, that I was "taking DC away from him", that he'll miss DC etc. But this was interspersed with us getting on fine. We do argue, a lot, we've always just been that way since I can remember. But no falling out has lasted more than a couple of hours.

Fast forward to last Wednesday, I called over to his with some shopping as I hadn't been over for a couple of days. The door was locked and lights were out. I knocked for ages but no answer. I called the care company office who advised me that he was safe but they couldn't tell me any more. Following this, I contacted the social work department; a social worker got back to me to advise that my dad didn't want to see me and asked me to stay away from his property. That was all the information they could give me and that's all i've heard since.

This evening, i had a missed call and a voicemail from the police, saying that its "nothing to worry about" but they will call back later on this evening, so could I please answer any calls.

I do suffer from anxiety and know that I tend to catastrophise but I am very much panicking now as contact from the police, coupled with social work having advised me that i've to stay away from my fathers property at his request, which sounds like a safeguarding issue, sounds like he has made some kind of serious allegation/s against me.

What can I expect from here? If he has made allegations against me, will I end up being arrested/charged? I'm sitting here panicking that I'm going to be arrested, go to court, put in prison etc. I have never abused him. Yes, verbally we argue a lot, but that is our way. It's also coupled with frustration and carer burnout to be honest. But I have most certainly not been abusive. I'm so worried that they will believe whatever these allegations are and that my entire life will end up being affected and ruined.

OP posts:
BananaRama10 · 14/05/2026 11:52

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/05/2026 11:38

I am sorry you are going through this op. I would be devastated too, after everything you have been doing for him. He has shot himself in the foot though, as he has ruined your relationship and his with his grand kids presumably. The situation will be resolved, hopefully quickly, and you can relax and breathe without the caring responsibilities you have been dealing with. I wouldn’t be speaking to him again, never mind caring for him!

Edited

Oh I shan't be caring for him again. Or speaking to him again. He has lost his grandkid, my little one keeps asking to "go see grandad" but that won't be happening. Apparantly he's told SW that he doesn't want to see me and I've told SW the same. I feel so sorry for my DC, we don't have much family as it is and now this is one less.

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Musicaltheatremum · 14/05/2026 12:41

BananaRama10 · 14/05/2026 11:36

Thank you. I know I should call someone, I wasn't aware that there was a specific falls team, i thought that my only option was either to call an ambulance, which seemed overkill as I was able to pull him up myself after checking that there were no obvious injuries or wait till carers came, which could mean him just lying there for ages.

I'm leaving it up to other people now to provide care, as I'm just not prepared to put myself in this situation anymore. That may sound selfish, but I need to concentrate on me and my DC.

The carers won't pick people up either. They call the falls team too. Good luck .

QueenEthelTheMagnificent · 14/05/2026 12:46

@BananaRama10

Ive just has similar with my Mil but luckily for me it didn't go as far as the police. She accused me of financially abusing her and spending all of her money.

She had made over 5 accusations that I'm aware of before the social worker got involved, so I'm sorry to say your dad has probably been saying things to the carers for a while and they have a duty of care to report any safeguarding concerns.

6 years of me basically doing everything for her regarding her house, going round every evening after I'd worked a 10 hour day, picking them both up when they'd fallen, being there for her though her breast cancer diagnosis and treatment.

And this is how she's repaid me, by making accusations up and almost ruining my life.

So yes I've walked away.

Do what you have to to protect yourself and your child.

BananaRama10 · 14/05/2026 13:12

QueenEthelTheMagnificent · 14/05/2026 12:46

@BananaRama10

Ive just has similar with my Mil but luckily for me it didn't go as far as the police. She accused me of financially abusing her and spending all of her money.

She had made over 5 accusations that I'm aware of before the social worker got involved, so I'm sorry to say your dad has probably been saying things to the carers for a while and they have a duty of care to report any safeguarding concerns.

6 years of me basically doing everything for her regarding her house, going round every evening after I'd worked a 10 hour day, picking them both up when they'd fallen, being there for her though her breast cancer diagnosis and treatment.

And this is how she's repaid me, by making accusations up and almost ruining my life.

So yes I've walked away.

Do what you have to to protect yourself and your child.

I'm sorry that you went through similar, it honestly knocks you for six doesn't it. I didn't sleep a wink last night with the worry. I'm glad you've come out of the other end.

I've similarly done everything for him and admittedly, we argue a lot and I also know that he's very unhappy about DC and I moving out, blaming me for him seeing much less of DC, but to do this.... it's despicable.

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FiniteSagacity · 15/05/2026 14:44

I’m so sorry @BananaRama10 - this is really hard to go through. I think they are rejecting us as a person that reminds them how frail they are (we don’t even have to do or say anything, our presence reminds them). As pp have said, older people can become very self-centred and completely forget they are not the only person or commitment you have.

Did the police call or are you potentially left in limbo over the weekend?

I went through horrendous accusations and verbal attacks - but it was after the move to a nursing home (because falls led us there). Our Dad threw me out of his room and banned me. He was later diagnosed with Dementia but not until months after he said terrible things about me to a social worker. If it’s any comfort, the social worker asked if I was okay! - they really are used to these scenarios. Solidarity and sending you strength.

BernardButlersBra · 15/05/2026 15:02

Wow just wow. What a horrendous thing to do you! It could have all kinds of repercussions. I can see why he has burned his bridges with you. Thinking of you

BananaRama10 · 15/05/2026 15:49

No @FiniteSagacity the police didn't call. That was Wednesday that I recieved the initial call/voicemail, saying they'd call back in a couple of hours, we're now on Friday and nothing. Hopefully they'll call this evening or over the weekend. I don't know why they're just hanging around like this if he's accused me of something awful which he clearly has.

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BananaRama10 · 15/05/2026 15:51

BernardButlersBra · 15/05/2026 15:02

Wow just wow. What a horrendous thing to do you! It could have all kinds of repercussions. I can see why he has burned his bridges with you. Thinking of you

Thank you. Yes its the reprecussions for my career etc that I'm also worried about. I've been watching my phone like a hawk waiting on police calling back but nothing.

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Besidemyselfwithworry · 15/05/2026 15:55

To be honest social services will have this ALL the time and the fact the police haven’t been knocking at the door must mean they don’t consider it to be that urgent.
id just wait it out nothing will happen - you don’t want to see him and he doesn’t want to see you - end of
they have a duty of care to listen to any allegations but it sounds like sour grapes for you moving out and trying to make a life for yourself but if he needs that level of care he’d probably be better in a care home as it sounds like he’s very dependant on other people.

FiniteSagacity · 15/05/2026 16:29

@BananaRama10 I would also say to take it as a sign that it is not urgent as the police said not to worry and haven’t come straight around to see you. I’m sorry you may end up not hearing until next week but try not to ruminate and worry. Just check your phone regularly so you don’t miss a chance to hear what this is all about.

Enjoy your weekend in your new home with your DC - I hope you can use the groceries you were taking around (my tastes are very different from my Dad’s!).

cheezncrackers · 15/05/2026 16:51

I would take it as a good sign that the police haven't been rushing to call you back OP - they obviously don't see it as high priority - which if they seriously thought you were an elder abuser I suspect they would! If they wanted to arrest you, they'd turn up at your door and do it, whereas this sounds like they just want to have a chat with you and find out your side of things.

BananaRama10 · 15/05/2026 19:54

Almost 8pm and again I've heard nothing. I've stopped panicking quite as much however it's still a terrible woryy, especially not knowing exactly what it is I should be worrying about!

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TY78910 · 15/05/2026 20:02

BananaRama10 · 15/05/2026 19:54

Almost 8pm and again I've heard nothing. I've stopped panicking quite as much however it's still a terrible woryy, especially not knowing exactly what it is I should be worrying about!

OP why don’t you call them? Just say you had a voicemail several days ago and you want to know what it was about.

BananaRama10 · 15/05/2026 20:24

TY78910 · 15/05/2026 20:02

OP why don’t you call them? Just say you had a voicemail several days ago and you want to know what it was about.

I did think about this but the call came up on a private number, he didn't state what station he was based at, or his name.

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TY78910 · 15/05/2026 20:28

BananaRama10 · 15/05/2026 20:24

I did think about this but the call came up on a private number, he didn't state what station he was based at, or his name.

I think you can call 101 and ask them to get the officer to give you a call. I know there’s looooads of coincidences here but could be unrelated?

BananaRama10 · 15/05/2026 20:35

TY78910 · 15/05/2026 20:28

I think you can call 101 and ask them to get the officer to give you a call. I know there’s looooads of coincidences here but could be unrelated?

I think I will. I'll wait till Monday, I'm about to get DC down for the night and I'm on 2 x 12 hour shifts over the weekend but come Monday, if i've heard nothing, i'll give 101 a call.

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