DM wants the impossible

[Exhaustedpickle]

My DM is in a care home and is very unhappy. She suffers from depression and anxiety (and is on medication for these) so that doesn't help the situation.

But, she constantly says that she wants to go back to "how things were before", told my DSis that she wishes it was 1995 and more recently, when asked by a MH professional how we could make things better, said "the only thing that would help is if things went back to how they were before."

As awful as it is to admit, I dread visiting her as she is an emotional black hole. I feel I pour myself into trying to meet her emotional needs and come away exhausted and upset. The next time I see her, I do it all again. My DSis feels the same and has pretty much reached the end of her tether where our DM is concerned. (There is more to it than just this issue).

I do understand why my DM wishes to turn back time, life was easier and happier then, particularly when my dad was alive as he put her on a pedestal. She would like my DSis and I to fill that role, but we both work and have families and husbands and the menopause so while we want to support her as much as we can, she can't be our princess.

It's hard to see her so unhappy but I'm also frustrated (and exhausted) and feel that her repeatedly saying she wishes she could go back in time is hindering her ability to settle where she is now and accept the realities of her physical decline. It's wishing for something literally impossible - I know people like to say that nothing is impossible but, Marty McFly aside, time travel definitely is!

Sorry for the long post, I suppose my question is, how do I deal with this and help her accept the present and try to make the best of it?

@rookiemere I know exactly what you mean about having to gird your loins. I'm sorry it's so hard for you too.

I am going to start planning something nice for after the visit so that it doesn't cast a shadow over the whole day anymore. I know that sounds a bit dramatic but it's been so hard, over so many years that I have a stress response now.

@cantgardenintherain I agree that it's more of a personality thing, it has to be in you already I think, though age does seem to amplify that.

I'm so sorry for everyone who understand this because they have been there/are going through something similar. But also grateful to be able to talk to people who 'get it' and don't just assume I'm a horrible daughter. Thank you.

@cantgardenintherain it can also be an illness/medication thing. Medication can impact mood etc.

My DM is in first stages of dementia. Usually oblivious to that fact, tells me how awful it must be for families who have relatives with dementia 😳 Then on an occasion when she realises she had forgotten to do something important or similar she will state she wishes she was dead and that she hates her life

Pair up with your brother and see her when he does. She doesn't do it to him.

Oh so common amongst older depressed people . I had this with elderly uncle but I think mostly with the older women in my life . I used to answer thatI also wished things were different. I want to be 20s and clubbing and beinging a New Romantic and unmarried and experiencing new lovers ! But seriously I used to have sympathy and tell them unfortunately I can't make it 1954 so what do you think we can change to make you feel better . A few trips out , got DVDs of old TV shows , music from the past eras raised his spirit even if only for a short while . It's hard I know but we might be in the same situation and just vent when it gets too much .

@sittingonabeach That must be really hard to hear, I'm so sorry.

@Nofeckingway I do have sympathy but when we asked her what we could do to make things better she said "the only thing that would make it better is for things to go back to how they were before. Nothing else." So I'm not sure there is much I can do. That said, I am keeping going with the trips out, magazines, treats, conversations about the old days etc. etc.

@Exhaustedpickle Well that's not possible is it . If she continues to keep spouting that you can only do your best to ignore . It's not like you are denying or witholding anything from her . So very tough isn't it . Very selfish too of her . She must know how upsetting it is to see her unhappy but guess she doesnt care about how it affects you . Hope it gives you some comfort to know that this is not a you problem and so many people have the same issue . Think this is the first generation that have had to come to terms with being unable to live at home longer as living longer but not good health . I hope we will be more accepting for our kids sake .

Thank you, that’s just how I feel.

Interesting thread OP. Thanking for posting.

my own dm died unexpectedly at 80. DF is living alone alert oriented and independent at 91.

I have friends and a close colleague with DM in a care home…some more independent and one in a lovely brand new extension onto dd home. All have regular paid carers available.

the PRINCESS MUM is the most difficult situation in my experiencing of listening to other women’s stories. The DM who was treated like a princess by her husband but outlived him will never be happy. No amount of talk entertainment or physical
comfort will be enough. A long marriage where she was a princess establishes unique and difficult personality traits. Several of them regularly cry and verbalizing….oh why did Richard die before me why couldn’t he live longer?
It also can create family issues as some siblings see Princess mum contributing to DF death because he ran himself ragged taking care of Princess. For years!!

I’m sorry you are going through this op. As others have said, and you acknowledge, there’s nothing really you can do to improve her mood/life. Shes being well cared for, and you can’t turn the clock back. She’s being selfish - my opinion - and really, you need to focus on yourself more. Short visits, fewer of them (if it was me), breezy chats and nothing deeper. Don’t let her drag you down.

She may actually be happy to see her son, it's not unusual for a mother to have a particular soft spot for her son. I know they shouldn't, but if they do they do. But visiting with him may be a good idea it might give suggestions of how to cheer her up. It might be good to go with the sister sometimes as well for moral support and for some cheerful conversation. Both my parents sadly died young so I never had this problem, but that was no picnic either, I guess there is no good time or way to die.

@catipuss it's possibly because the brother visits less frequently and lives further away, and not necessarily a sexist reason.

As I have posted previously my DF put on a front to me (I'm female) when I visited (lived a couple of hours away). My MIL's relative also does the same when she visits them.

It's usually the ones who live with or visit more who get the shitty end of the stick when it comes to mood swings etc as result of ill health. DH and I get a very different response from my DM if we tell her she has forgotten to take her medication, for example. DH might get an 'oops!'. I will get 'are you questioning my mentality', checking up on me', angry or sad response. But I am the one regularly checking whether she has taken her medication. DH is just a lovely person visiting her!

The OP can't always visit with her brother as he lives a lot further away so presumably visits less often, but she can at least visit with her DH and son which she says helps.

@Exhaustedpickle you say you plan to do something nice afterwards so the day isn't ruined - I did the same! I used to go round to see my lovely friend afterwards, which felt like having something sweet after taking your medicine. (Sorry mother, but it was.)

@Lavenderandbrown I completely agree re the Princess Mum. My DF was wonderful but has left us with an impossible set of expectations to (not) meet.

Thanks @catofglory and @Purplecatshopaholic!

I am definitely going to stop trying to fix everything and just try and be a nice visitor with a nice thing to look forward to afterwards. My DH said today "you'll have to keep checking with your DM to see if she's done the exercises the physio has set her" and I said no, I'm not responsible for that, DM is and I'm not taking it on. Small steps!!

You do what you can when you’re there but you can’t ‘fix it’ and then you do your best to have your life.

it’s tough and none of us would choose this but it’s life - and her life isn’t more important than yours x

Quite! She's a grown woman and she either does the exercises or she doesn't.
Ultimately she has to decide to be happy with her lot. It's not fair, almost nothing is fair, but surely complaining isn't making it better for her!

I used to wear earbuds and listen to music while visiting mil. She was so fucking miserable. She was very negative even when I first met her, getting old and immobile just made it a million times worse. I had long hair then so she wouldn't have known. And music just loud enough to make me happier and still be able to chat.

Dh used to read the newspaper and just sit beside her while she talked on and on.

We were about an hour away. We used to visit her for half an hour, go out for lunch (without her), then visit again for another half hour. She was generally cheery for the first 5-10 minutes because seeing us was a nice distraction. Then the misery would start. So we got 2 nice 10 minutes if we went in twice. She didn't remember we'd been in earlier in the day.

I'm sorry op, it's rubbish. And hard and draining and depressing. Do any small thing you can to make it easier for you.

@Exhaustedpickle is your DM able to take on responsibility to do her exercises. Not saying you should take on that responsibility but does she have the ability to do so.

@lizzyb "it’s tough and none of us would choose this but it’s life - and her life isn’t more important than yours x" That really hit home for me, thank you.

She does have to decide to try and be happier, I can't do that for her. And likewise I do have to do some small things to make me happier too.

She absolutely does.

I’ve just remembered. After visiting my mum,I looked forward to the drive home, only 20 mins, but I had my favourite songs playing at full blast to drown out the thoughts then a lovely coffee and cake when I got home. It’s the small things 🥹