DM wants the impossible

[Exhaustedpickle]

My DM is in a care home and is very unhappy. She suffers from depression and anxiety (and is on medication for these) so that doesn't help the situation.

But, she constantly says that she wants to go back to "how things were before", told my DSis that she wishes it was 1995 and more recently, when asked by a MH professional how we could make things better, said "the only thing that would help is if things went back to how they were before."

As awful as it is to admit, I dread visiting her as she is an emotional black hole. I feel I pour myself into trying to meet her emotional needs and come away exhausted and upset. The next time I see her, I do it all again. My DSis feels the same and has pretty much reached the end of her tether where our DM is concerned. (There is more to it than just this issue).

I do understand why my DM wishes to turn back time, life was easier and happier then, particularly when my dad was alive as he put her on a pedestal. She would like my DSis and I to fill that role, but we both work and have families and husbands and the menopause so while we want to support her as much as we can, she can't be our princess.

It's hard to see her so unhappy but I'm also frustrated (and exhausted) and feel that her repeatedly saying she wishes she could go back in time is hindering her ability to settle where she is now and accept the realities of her physical decline. It's wishing for something literally impossible - I know people like to say that nothing is impossible but, Marty McFly aside, time travel definitely is!

Sorry for the long post, I suppose my question is, how do I deal with this and help her accept the present and try to make the best of it?

I am pleased for your relative. I went round many care homes for two parents.
From the very swish, expensive, clean and run with precision seemingly offering all sorts of activities. Films, gardening etc. The reality was a bit less palatable. If not enough people turned up the event was cancelled. I came away feeling much of it was for show for relatives. That not a lot actually really happened.

Other ones I went to were in glorious settings. But nobody could see outside ! And lovely cakes made but not anything the residents could eat. The staff did though.
Another in an old but fine Edwardian building. Understaffed but nice lady trying to do everything. I worried about mum being there. I didn’t feel it was entirely save. Dog running around etc. Very dark too I remember.

The standards are mixed. The environments too. The Care and Quality Commission have been given taken to task for not doing a decent job. You can read their reports and not differentiate between care homes. Cut and paste reports.

There will be some good people and decent care homes. They are, I am sorry to say, few and far between. I don’t mind admitting I am fussy. I am glad I am. I think people deserve a lot more than the environment they get at the moment.

@stayathomegardener my DF put on a front when I visited (lived a couple of hours away from when he was alive). Had no real idea what my DM was going through then. I do now as her carer (moved her closer to us after DF died). I actually don’t know how she coped with my DF.

She can put on a front for my DH. It’s a very common phenomenon

Agreed, it's an awful situation and I know it would make me unhappy too. That said, if the choice is between attempting a bit of stoicism versus trashing your adult children's MH I hope I would choose the former. My view is probably coloured by my MIL who had a stroke and went blind overnight and was incredibly brave and practical about it all.

Thank you all for the kind comments. It can be hard to share this stuff as there is an expectation (particularly for daughters) that we should just treasure every moment but that is easier said than done, especially after several years of stress and unhappiness.

@Mossstitch I live an hour away and my brother lives four hours away so we can't visit together and he goes to see her so rarely anyway. The distance for me means popping in for 10 mins isn't doable either, it's always a longer visit.
Your story of what your Mum said about CBT rings very true for me. Everything we try or suggest is met with negativity.

@Miranda65 my DM would say my visits (and me bringing her GC to visit) DO make her happy. Not visiting would actually be really nice sometimes but I feel a duty to be supportive and also I do love her, even in her worst moments. I can't just abandon her.

I don't think she'd fight us if one of us insisted, but growing up she always said she would never want to live with one of her kids and didn't want her DM living with her! I think she knows it isn't possible anyway given her medical and physical needs too.

@Exhaustedpickle as your DB lives further away so doesn't visit as much, that probably explains why she can act differently in front of him.

MIL's sibling has dementia. in the early days MIL thought the sibling's partner was complaining/making too much of the symptoms because when she saw her sibling they didn't seem that bad (partner has had the tendency to worry, make too much of things in the past). MIL then met them one day when her sibling wasn't able to continue with the front he was putting on and MIL saw what he was really like. She found it very upsetting and also finally understood what the partner was saying.

Your brother visits less often and your mum makes an effort with him. You and your sister visit frequently and she doesn’t make an effort with you. I’d treat that as a learning opportunity.

I saw this pattern in my family. Make yourself a scarcer resource and increase your value. And don’t feel guilty about doing so.

@sittingonabeach my brother does acknowledge that our DM behaves differently for him so at least he knows my Sis and I aren’t making it up. Frustrating though - it’s good that your MIL got to see what’s really going on.

@SmellsNice it’s a difficult one as my DM is of that generation where women did all the caring work (though she did not with her DPs) and it’s expected of her daughters. So it’s not a deliberate favouring of him, more that she thinks he’s too removed to be good at the emotional stuff. Not that that helps much when I’m sat there absorbing all her unhappiness and it is of course absolute sexism.

Could you make it 1995 or even 1985 for her?? Take photos, ask about holidays she and your dad took, what did dad like to eat, remind me what colour the kitchen used to be and did you paint it or did dad…

maybe take some music to play her or watch a top of the pops episode or an old TV show?

Agree with the poster above. I think the temptation is not to mention the past because the contrast will be upsetting but people often feel a lot of comfort from things that remind them of happier times.

Some ideas- photos of you all from that period (could make an album or put some in frames), 90s playlist, 90s TV for her to watch- not sure what she has in the way of tech but I am sure you could find something that would work eg DVDs. There have been studies that suggest that creating an environment from when someone was younger can actually help them to feel younger (see Ellen Langer's counterclockwise study). It's interesting that your mum has such a specific moment in time that she misses and maybe that could help.

I really feel for you all. It's rotten for your mum being unhappy in her care home, it's horrible for you that you can't fix things for her. You also have your own life to live and responsibilities to meet.

I disagree with the previous two posts (sorry), I would not aim to 'make it 1995'. It creates work for the OP and will be yet another opportunity for her mother to say 'that didn't work", and have another cry about her miserable life.

What her mother wants is to be 30 years younger, not in a wheelchair, not in a care home (and presumably for her husband to be alive).

It is not possible to turn back the clock and the OP is already feeling guilty that she cannot meet her mother's expectations. IMO she her sister and need to do less, not more.

You don't have to apologise for disagreeing 😂

I thought I'd be polite, I know it isn't usual on MN😂

It's so sweet of you both to think of creating 1995 for her and thank you for the lovely ideas but it isn't an actual date she is pining for, it's any time before her health failed and my Dad died and so on. 2018 would probably be equally as acceptable.

We have taken in photos and I do talk about happy memories and funny things my Dad did etc. and I make a real effort to ask her about things from her childhood and her working days. Other times I try to engage her in current stuff and we'll share a rant about Trump for example. It just seems like unless somebody can turn back time, she is never going to be able to be happy again. I'm fighting a losing battle.

@catofglory your post made me laugh as that is exactly what would happen.

I'm taking her out on Saturday for lunch (with DH and DS as backup) so that visit will probably be an okay one.

You sound a wonderful daughter, and she a dose. I would give up the fight to make her happy and just do whatever you have to do to get through the times when you are with her and amplify the other good things in your life. She sounds exactly like my friends mother who is actually a very spoilt woman with great support but instead of being grateful, thinks anything less than the uber privileged life she had previously is an affront.

Do you have any portable hobby you can take with you, eg tapestry or crochet or something. Or something you’d like to learn? I’ve found these good when I have to sit through things as I’m doing something constructive with the time that I enjoy, and craft can be seen as quite worthy by some people. So you can be with her and listen but also have something else to focus on a little. I think just being there is enough you don’t have to fully engage the whole time.

Agree with pps re trying to find something to do eg watching call the midwife, sound of music, sitcoms, royal weddings, fawlty towers, tennis, gardening programmes from Chelsea flowers show, whatever she might like. You can’t bring back the life she had, you can’t be your dad. Interesting re your MIL’s attitude, some people are more positive than others. I work with older people and see a wide range.

Thank you @theleafandnotthetree that's very kind of you to say. I often feel like a bad daughter because I don't look forward to visiting and think of happier times and feel guilty.

I know I am painting a terrible picture here but of course my DM isn't all bad and there are glimmers. Just few and far between these days.

I don't really have any hobbies like that @Diorama2 but it's a good suggestion. My Mum isn't a fan of TV but that would have been a great one to take the pressure off a bit. I think part of the problem is that there's nothing she really likes to do or is able to do (she used to love to knit but can't anymore) so she's deeply bored and nothing I suggest hits the spot.

I feel a bit the same as there have been some great suggestions and I'm aware I am rejecting each one! I do genuinely feel for her, her life has become very small. I might take in some housey magazines and get her opinion on colours/styles. I'm about to redecorate at home so that might be something we can share.

My MIL was impressive - when she got ill she just accepted it and cracked on. I asked her how she felt about her blindness once and she said something along the lines of "it's not ideal but there's no point in complaining about something I can't change, you just have to keep going." Legend.

Your MIL does sound like a legend. How brilliant for her, as well as everyone around her. It must make the sorry comparison with your mum all the harder!

I used to take magazines when I visited my mother in the care home (she had dementia and conversation was sticky). Anything with photos that would catch her attention like cats, dogs, gardens, we would look through them together.

I also sometimes went with my OH to dilute the experience, always a good plan!

My mum spent her last year asking if it was wrong to die. What are they care home saying about medication? Has she seen the doctor recently and did they consider a referal?

So, so many of us have been there in so many different ways. I had a mini support group with a friend - we were both caring for a parent at home and to be quite honest, it could be torture.
Our humour between us was as dark as it could get. I’m not saying ‘Smother Them Saturdays’* meant we actually had murder in mind (to be clear nobody was picking up a spare pillow!) but we both got to the point where we going nuts.
My friend won the award for best parental put-down. I’ll call my friend Sue.
Nurse in A&E to Sue’s mum: Isn’t your daughter lovely? She’s very bright, I’ll bet she has a good job.
Sue’s mum: I can’t remember what she did but it’s her job to look after me
Nurse: well she’s very kind.
Sue’s mum: she’s not going back to work because when I die she might as well kill herself. Not much point to her without me, is there?
Now that isn’t funny. It broke Sue’s heart.
We had another friend - male - caring for his mum. He went into the kitchen to breathe and threw one of her slippers at the wall. He then went out for a walk and came back to… police! She had rung 999 and said he’d thrown the slipper at her. I do remember he asked to spend a night in the cells. For respite.
You could take a whole cast from 1995 into that home - Tony Blair could read a story, Oasis could knock out a tune, a little medley from The Spice Girls and it would not raise a smile.
Do I have any advice? It is a stage, and I wish your mum no ill will, but it passes.
I am glad you have siblings to talk to and yes in my friendship group daughters get expected to do everything and sons are too busy being very, very important.
You cannot fix anything for your mum and I don’t think there’s a medication out there which will make a huge difference now.
That might be blunt, but it may help.
What you need to do is make the very best of your life outside of those visits.
And do not, for one second, ever feel guilty about the home. She is safe and well cared for and trying to DIY it is not an option.
*both parents did pass away through illness. No homicide arrests.

This. What was her personality like before? You need to take a different approach. When she says tgings like this just say "So do I".

Similar situation with DM except unfortunately it’s dementia with her. She gets obsessed by something and will not drop the subject. Her speech is going so she does this through a combination of some words, writing ( also hard to read) and thumping and gesticulating. I will not lie, I hate visiting and have to gird my loins every time.
Thankfully we moved them to a care home close to us so I can keep the visits short. I often use copilot to model conversations and how to handle them based on her diagnosis- may be less helpful to you but might give you some ideas. For me it’s really helpful to know what I am going to say before I go in and how I am going to handle what today’s obsession is - although of course I won’t know that until I am in.

I also give myself a little reward afterwards- a walk somewhere nice, a food treat or something I planned to buy. Can you tie something pleasurable into your trips - meeting an old friend , having a nice lunch or staying in a posh hotel ?

My MiL isn’t selfish or princessy at all. She doesn’t expect people to run around after her and is grateful if you do. It’s not an age thing, but a personality thing.

My Mum is on loads of medication as she has Parkinson's so she has regular reviews. She sees the Parkinson's doctor, Parkinson's nurse, Parkinson's psychiatrist, GP and Physio so she really does have excellent and consistent care.

I'm sorry about your Mum, that must have been really hard.

Thanks @ThisJadeBear your post made me laugh. My sister and I definitely have some dark humour going on - we may have exchanged photos of Andy from Little Britain for example...

@Parcelpass when I was growing up my Mum was an extreme optimist and self-declared 'ostrich' - she preferred to put her head in the sand than to deal with anything difficult or unpleasant. It made it really hard for anyone to talk about anything hard with her, my Dad couldn't share his (very real) health fears because she wouldn't hear it and would say everything would be fine. She became depressed during Covid and since then it's a refusal to face reality of a different kind. So I guess she's always had issues accepting what is, they are just presenting differently now.