Page 21 | Care homes make me think people never die

rockrollerpud · 2026-05-04T07:40:08+00:00

Recently I was given the news that someone I know died suddenly. Classic late seventies, living life totally normally, seemingly slim, fit and healthy, then gone within 24 hours from heart attack. This was surreal to me. And here is why. I visit a relative in a care home weekly. And for want of better words, I’ve been visiting so long that I honestly feel like some people can’t die. Or at least, their bodies are just designed to trundle on like a diesel engine car with 200,000 miles on the clock. Most of them are 80-100 years old. Many sit there all day asleep with their mouths open. Many are overweight, have multiple health conditions, yet they just don’t ever change from that. They go on for years/decades. I have to say, there are far more women than men in the care home. Quite regularly, I’ll read on here, that someone struggled at home but then went in a care home and only lasted 1-2 years. Yet I see the majority seem to live forever in the care homes. Before I knew what I know now about elderly disease and decline, I’d always assumed that by the time I got to a care home, I’d be so spent, I’d only last a few years too. But now it’s freaking me out that I, like many others, could spend 15% of my life in one. Anyone else a long term visitor to a care home and be shocked at this?

DemonsandMosquitoes · 14/05/2026 14:23

Ved · 14/05/2026 12:30

I was born in the late 1960s (I am in my mid-late 50s now,) my parents were born in the 1930s, and my grandparents in the 1910s. My aunts and uncles were born in the 1930s and 1940s and my great aunts and uncles mostly in the 1910s. I have ZERO recollection of ANY of them ever having 4 or 5 carer visits a day for 5, 6, 7+ years, having adult nappies, being fed by anyone else, being 100% housebound for some years, being pumped with loads of drugs, or being put in a care home and staying there for 5-10 years, or more, costing £4000 to £5000 a month. ... (well, the equivalent of that then....)

Never happened.

Nor do I recall - ever - any of my older relatives getting bowel cancer screening kits, breast screening appointments, flu jabs, shingles jabs, colonocopies, MRIs, CT scans, multiple x-rays, multiple blood tests, and multiple dozens of medical appointments a year, that many people over 60 seem to have in this day and age. It's like (as has been said before - maybe on this thread or another one quite recently) they are trying to find something wrong with people, and turn relatively healthy slightly older people (55-65) into patients. The bowel cancer screening kits are sent to the over 60s. Why only then? Plenty of people get it much younger... So why do they focus ONLY on people pretty much over 60?

It feels like there's an agenda at play, to want (older) people to be sick and keep them that way, and even make them a bit more sick, so the profits can be maximised. Even if people are at home having 4 carers a day, someone is still making a lot of money out of that. (AND out of all the meds people are given, and the multiple tests and scans and screening tests they are made to do!) 2 women (in their late 30s and early 40s, I know are carers, and they do 35-40 hours a week, (for an agency) and they get paid £17 an hour, plus travelling expenses. (That's nearly £700 a week each one is getting, not including the travelling expenses.)

Something just feels very off about it all.... As I said, all of this (that we're all going on about on here,) never seemed to happen pre 21st century, not that I can recall. Maybe the odd person here and there of course, but not many, and I certainly can't recall people being put into care homes and languishing in them for many years at the cost of sometimes £5,000 a month, sometimes more, and having to sell their bloody HOME to fund it! Pre 21st century, I never knew one case where that happened. Not one!

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Edited

Bowel screening is started in the over 50’s.

AgitatedGoose · 14/05/2026 14:50

@Ved My maternal grandparents were 75 and 76 when they died and both were active and independent until shortly before their deaths. My grandfather had rarely seen a doctor until he developed lung cancer.
I don’t recall any older relatives being looked after or going into care homes but I think the reason people do now is because they live so much longer and inevitably develop dementia or have a stroke.
I agree that all the screening tests and vaccines people are subjected to didn’t used to happen. What many don’t realise is you can refuse all of this.

BigSkies2022 · 14/05/2026 16:24

I haven't read all the thread yet, but it is helpful to me. My brother and I are working ourselves up to having 'the conversation' with my dad, currently in a nursing care home at the age of 94. He has requested DNR, on prompting, in the event of cardiac arrest, but since he has the blood pressure of a healthy 20 year old, doesn't require thinners or statins, heart failure seems pretty remote.

He is doubly incontinent (permanent catheter and nappy pads), nearly immobile (wheelchair, can't stand or balance, move from wheelchair to ordinary chair, or wheelchair to bed, without support, can't walk unaided), can't dress, wash or toilet himself. He has metastasised prostate cancer, but is in no pain, and the palliative care nursing team say he's not sick enough to warrant their care. He does still enjoy food, after a fashion (well, he will eat the soup and ice-cream courses, and pick at the solid foods if someone cuts it up and encourages him) and he joins in the social activities provided. He reads and watches television. My mother dislikes visiting him, as the next stage along - people sitting in chairs all day, not speaking, not opening their eyes, tube-fed in some cases - is on display and it's really not encouraging.

So what other options do we discuss with my dad? I honestly don't know what the choices might be. No intubation for breathing, OK, or feeding via a tube through the nose. But what about spoon feeding or drinking calorie-dense liquid meals? What about antibiotics if he gets a chest infection or a UTI? Are these interventions just prolonging a life which needs to end? What would warrant a hospital admission, and is that likely to lead to better or worse 'care' understood as keeping someone comfortable and free from pain and indignity, rather than active intervention with the goal of 'curing' someone? Who can I talk to about these things?

In theory, my dad has capacity to initiate these conversations, get informed about the options and express his wishes. But the reality is that he will do none of these things without our encouragement. Which would be fine if we (his children, his wife) had any prior experience of the pathways ahead.

Original poster

rockrollerpud · 14/05/2026 17:26

BigSkies2022 · 14/05/2026 16:24

I haven't read all the thread yet, but it is helpful to me. My brother and I are working ourselves up to having 'the conversation' with my dad, currently in a nursing care home at the age of 94. He has requested DNR, on prompting, in the event of cardiac arrest, but since he has the blood pressure of a healthy 20 year old, doesn't require thinners or statins, heart failure seems pretty remote.

He is doubly incontinent (permanent catheter and nappy pads), nearly immobile (wheelchair, can't stand or balance, move from wheelchair to ordinary chair, or wheelchair to bed, without support, can't walk unaided), can't dress, wash or toilet himself. He has metastasised prostate cancer, but is in no pain, and the palliative care nursing team say he's not sick enough to warrant their care. He does still enjoy food, after a fashion (well, he will eat the soup and ice-cream courses, and pick at the solid foods if someone cuts it up and encourages him) and he joins in the social activities provided. He reads and watches television. My mother dislikes visiting him, as the next stage along - people sitting in chairs all day, not speaking, not opening their eyes, tube-fed in some cases - is on display and it's really not encouraging.

So what other options do we discuss with my dad? I honestly don't know what the choices might be. No intubation for breathing, OK, or feeding via a tube through the nose. But what about spoon feeding or drinking calorie-dense liquid meals? What about antibiotics if he gets a chest infection or a UTI? Are these interventions just prolonging a life which needs to end? What would warrant a hospital admission, and is that likely to lead to better or worse 'care' understood as keeping someone comfortable and free from pain and indignity, rather than active intervention with the goal of 'curing' someone? Who can I talk to about these things?

In theory, my dad has capacity to initiate these conversations, get informed about the options and express his wishes. But the reality is that he will do none of these things without our encouragement. Which would be fine if we (his children, his wife) had any prior experience of the pathways ahead.

Thanks for joining the thread. It’s an incredibly hard position to be in and I’m sorry you are also a member of this heart breaking little club.

All I can say, after seeing more then my fair share of the care system and elderly decline is not to allow yourself to be pushed around by the system/doctors/care staff. Stay true to your parent and be really honest with yourself about what they would really want. Then fight like hell for them. This is what I do. It’s my last act of love for them. Don’t be phased by the manipulation of the system. If you shut out all the noise around elderly care, you know deep inside what your parent would want.

OP posts:

Ved · 14/05/2026 17:28

@BigSkies2022 16.24.

it's such a conundrum isn't it? Even if your dad isn't in pain - thankfully - it's not much of a life for him is it? Or your mum really, having to visit him, and see him like he is, and sit amongst elderly people drugged up to the eyeballs, (or just fairly non verbal and unable to do anything for themselves,) sitting there like zombies. (No fun for anyone in his life really...)

It is quite baffling why they do it, (seem to keep people alive so long, with no quality of life....) but yeah, as has been said, with certain illnesses and diseases having cures now, it's making way more people live a lot longer.

Me and my DH have both said a few times, what is the point? It's great that certain diseases have had cures because younger people who get them at 30 or so can live a reasonable amount of years... But it's making too many people live too long, with no quality of life.

Whilst some people will be quite fit and healthy and active and mobile at 80+, many more people will not, and it's a social care nightmare (as well as a nightmare for the younger family members/middle aged children/the sandwich generation.)

What's the answer though? I don't know........ Euthanasia for everyone as soon as they start to go that way......... Not gonna happen it is? 😐

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Valleyofthedollymix · 14/05/2026 17:34

@BigSkies2022 I'm sorry that sounds really hard.

Re. what more you can do, I spoke to a lovely palliative care nurse when my father was ill and she suggested we distinguish between oral and intravenous antibiotics. So I spoke to him and he agreed that he'd have anything prescribed that he could take at home but he didn't want to be admitted to hospital.

I know it's a fairly minor suggestion but in the end it was what helped him to die and kept him out of A&E.

Valleyofthedollymix · 14/05/2026 17:35

An aside, generally I think society has survivor bias - because of people like David Attenborough and Joan Collins (did you see the photos of her at Cannes? Unbelievable), we think that it's normal to live a healthy productive life in your 90s. They're total outliers.

Ved · 14/05/2026 17:38

AgitatedGoose · 14/05/2026 14:50

@Ved My maternal grandparents were 75 and 76 when they died and both were active and independent until shortly before their deaths. My grandfather had rarely seen a doctor until he developed lung cancer.
I don’t recall any older relatives being looked after or going into care homes but I think the reason people do now is because they live so much longer and inevitably develop dementia or have a stroke.
I agree that all the screening tests and vaccines people are subjected to didn’t used to happen. What many don’t realise is you can refuse all of this.

Thank you for this @AgitatedGoose I have spoken to a few people about this recently, and they also have no recollections of older relatives spending many years in a care home unable to feed themselves, go to the loo, walk, or communicate with people. And with zero quality of life. (For sometimes 7-10 years. Or more!) Most people I knew were like your maternal grandparents. They were fairly OK/healthy-ish, and independent, and mobile, and then sort o died suddenly, or went downhill quite quickly and died within 6 months...

Agree about the screening tests. Many people don't realise you can refuse them.

They don't half get shirty with you if you do refuse though! No-one should be bullied by them. If you don't want it, don't have it! They put this 'if we can pick something up early we can cure it' guilt trip, and I was called a 'very gilly girl' when I refused the breastscreening last year. 🙄

But no. I am not having them poke and prod at me, and shove tools and instruments up my bum and down my throat, and cut bits out me, and off me, that may never turn out ot be anything, or turn into anything!. Nope. I have this theory that most things are better left as they are. There are exceptions of course, but for the most part, whilst knocking the door of 60, I will take my chances ta!

Ved · 14/05/2026 17:41

Valleyofthedollymix · 14/05/2026 17:35

An aside, generally I think society has survivor bias - because of people like David Attenborough and Joan Collins (did you see the photos of her at Cannes? Unbelievable), we think that it's normal to live a healthy productive life in your 90s. They're total outliers.

100% agree with this. The Davids and Joans of the world are rare. (She is stunning isn't she?! And David looks great too!)

user7463246787 · 14/05/2026 17:57

@BigSkies2022
What we found happened after we’d had the no hospitals, no further investigations, no antibiotics etc discussions with the care home and GP was that they'd have a bit of a turn in the night when less experienced staff tended to be on duty and none of the senior admin people about, so an ambulance would be called regardless. Quickest way for the paramedics to make it some one else’s problem was to load them up and take them to A and E where they’d often be in a corridor for a day or so, then off to a ward for 3-5 days, sometimes longer, till they decide there was nothing to be done for extreme old age, so back to the home, weaker, tired, more confused, probably not eaten much for a week as they often didn’t even notice she was stone deaf…and off we went again on the merry-go-round only worse off than they were before. It was such a relief when they finally died at 99, only you can’t say that out loud to people that haven’t walked the path yet.
I’m determined it won’t happen to me, even if it means a one way trip to Switzerland if our politicians refuse to allow us the same dignity. I’m lucky I can afford the 10K!

godmum56 · 14/05/2026 18:59

Ved · 14/05/2026 17:38

Thank you for this @AgitatedGoose I have spoken to a few people about this recently, and they also have no recollections of older relatives spending many years in a care home unable to feed themselves, go to the loo, walk, or communicate with people. And with zero quality of life. (For sometimes 7-10 years. Or more!) Most people I knew were like your maternal grandparents. They were fairly OK/healthy-ish, and independent, and mobile, and then sort o died suddenly, or went downhill quite quickly and died within 6 months...

Agree about the screening tests. Many people don't realise you can refuse them.

They don't half get shirty with you if you do refuse though! No-one should be bullied by them. If you don't want it, don't have it! They put this 'if we can pick something up early we can cure it' guilt trip, and I was called a 'very gilly girl' when I refused the breastscreening last year. 🙄

But no. I am not having them poke and prod at me, and shove tools and instruments up my bum and down my throat, and cut bits out me, and off me, that may never turn out ot be anything, or turn into anything!. Nope. I have this theory that most things are better left as they are. There are exceptions of course, but for the most part, whilst knocking the door of 60, I will take my chances ta!

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I have refused screening tests, the smear and the bowel cancer one and blood pressure screening. I have never had any reaction other than "oh OK" The only time I have ever had a conversation about it was when I was at the doc's for something else and he thought a big chunk my GP record had been lost as there was nothing on it. He asked if I would like a smear test and I said no thanks and explained my reasoning and got another "oh ok" Anybody who called me a "silly girl" would get short shrift and I hope you did that too!

AgitatedGoose · 14/05/2026 19:09

@BigSkies2022 Try and have a conversation with your Dad about what he’d want in terms of medical treatment and help him write an advanced directive. Encourage him to agree to POA for health and welfare whilst he still has capacity then you can make decisions on his behalf when he’s no longer able to.

Hallamule · 14/05/2026 19:42

TheLivelyAzureHedgehog · 10/05/2026 09:12

Completely know what you mean OP.

MIL was in a nursing home, immobile, advanced Parkinson’s, dementia and osteoporosis. Yet they kept her alive for 4.5 miserable years. In any natural situation, she would have died long before - that’s what happens to animals when they are too old to eat, drink, move, communicate.

Dementia and Alzheimer’s are now the leading cause of death in the UK. Great job guys - we’ve stopped people dying of natural causes and now we’re keeping them alive long enough to die a horrible, drawn-out living death instead.

FIL for example. As a dedicated smoker, drinker and enthusiastic consumer of daily fried breakfast, he should have died of a heart attack years ago. But he had a quadruple bypass instead. And now at 80 he’s setting off down the same path as MIL , diagnosed with vascular dementia, frail, confused and lonely.

Well when your turn comes feel free to refuse any medical care you like. Refuse the flu vaccine, antibiotics, contraception, hrt- live naturally. Personally I'll be taking the triple bypass and new knees and if dementia comes knocking I will deal w it then.

Original poster

rockrollerpud · 14/05/2026 20:04

Hallamule · 14/05/2026 19:42

Well when your turn comes feel free to refuse any medical care you like. Refuse the flu vaccine, antibiotics, contraception, hrt- live naturally. Personally I'll be taking the triple bypass and new knees and if dementia comes knocking I will deal w it then.

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But you won’t deal with it. Your adult children will - on your behalf. Because you won’t even know you are not dealing with it. It’s the cruelest, most vicious disease and it breaks entire families.

That’s the sorry state of affairs. We unnaturally prolong our lives, to the point we are still living when the cognition starts to break down and then. Well. Unless you’ve seen up close and personal a dementia journey lasting over a decade, it’s hard to explain the grief, trauma, and how you question the entire approach we have to old age and death in this country.

OP posts:

AgitatedGoose · 14/05/2026 20:28

rockrollerpud · 14/05/2026 20:04

But you won’t deal with it. Your adult children will - on your behalf. Because you won’t even know you are not dealing with it. It’s the cruelest, most vicious disease and it breaks entire families.

That’s the sorry state of affairs. We unnaturally prolong our lives, to the point we are still living when the cognition starts to break down and then. Well. Unless you’ve seen up close and personal a dementia journey lasting over a decade, it’s hard to explain the grief, trauma, and how you question the entire approach we have to old age and death in this country.

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You’ve nailed it. I lived 3-4 hours away from my parents and making the journey regularly and managing a full time job almost killed me. It’s horrendous if you’re an only child as I was, or the person in the family who everyone dumps on. I wouldn’t want to live as my Mum did and I know she’d have been horrified at the person she became. Thankfully she only lived for four years from diagnosis so I was lucky but I still feel traumatised by it all.

Original poster

rockrollerpud · 14/05/2026 20:34

AgitatedGoose · 14/05/2026 20:28

You’ve nailed it. I lived 3-4 hours away from my parents and making the journey regularly and managing a full time job almost killed me. It’s horrendous if you’re an only child as I was, or the person in the family who everyone dumps on. I wouldn’t want to live as my Mum did and I know she’d have been horrified at the person she became. Thankfully she only lived for four years from diagnosis so I was lucky but I still feel traumatised by it all.

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I’m so sorry @AgitatedGoose it is truly awful and I’m sorry you had to go through it. When an elderly person is diagnosed with dementia - the whole family gets the diagnosis. The diagnosis is as much for the family as it is for the elderly relative. We are only children and we carry the load for both our mothers. For a decade now. It’s brutal. Sending you hugs x

OP posts:

worldsgonemadnow · 14/05/2026 21:08

Sortingmyself · 14/05/2026 06:30

Couldn't agree more.
My DM had a medical episode at 75 and whilst she was in hospital, we were told to prepare ourselves for the worst. She rallied so they dumped her in a care home on palliative saying they'd done what they could for her (basically given her such a severe infection that she ended up doubly incontinent and bed bound) and she likely had a few weeks left. She was desperate to get home so I arranged it all with SS. The care package is 4 x day. My DF is her carer.

It's been just over 4 years now and the physical and mental strain for my DF is off the scale and the mental strain for me is horrific. I do all their life admin, visit 2/3 a week whilst holding down a job, 2 kids, dealing with a shit menopause and doing all my own life admin and desperately trying to have a life of my own, fitting in exercise where i can. It's fucking relentless.

DM now has dementia too so visiting her is painful and hard. I've wished countless times that she would just die in her sleep which I hate myself for but I'm on my knees. (Doesn't help that she's a travel agent for guilt trips/emotional blackmail 🙄)

The only time we hear from her surgery is if they want to do flu jabs etc. Which she has. She's 80 and DF is 83.

I've learnt a lot from this thread and will definitely be checking out the option of choosing what, if any, treatment or over-60s testing to have in future. The thought of ending up like my DM is positively terrifying. 😔

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That sounds relentless.

Ved · 14/05/2026 21:42

rockrollerpud · 14/05/2026 20:04

But you won’t deal with it. Your adult children will - on your behalf. Because you won’t even know you are not dealing with it. It’s the cruelest, most vicious disease and it breaks entire families.

That’s the sorry state of affairs. We unnaturally prolong our lives, to the point we are still living when the cognition starts to break down and then. Well. Unless you’ve seen up close and personal a dementia journey lasting over a decade, it’s hard to explain the grief, trauma, and how you question the entire approach we have to old age and death in this country.

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Exactly this. ^

I have had the good fortune to NOT have to deal with parents who had a very prolonged, drawn out decline, and became immobile, incontinent, dependent on people to feed them, and to do everything for them, and had a total cognitive decline. I haven't had to be that middle aged daughter who all the care fell to for many years, because as I said earlier, my parents went fairly quickly, as did theirs. All mid 70s to early 80s, so they lived a decent amount of years, and were all mobile, independent, and hadn't declined congnitively.

It was strokes, heart attacks, and cancer that took them all, (my parents and grandparents,) but they all died quite soon after becoming ill. (All less than 7 months.) I did have to do some care for my mum and dad, but for around 5-6 months, as they went downhill quickly and had quite a quick death. None of them went into care either. It was hard going at the time, as I had small children, but I only had to do it for a short while. (Less than half a year.) I can't imagine having to do it for many years like some do.

So whilst I didn't have to do it for long, I have seen sooooooooooo many friends, acquaintances, neighbours, and colleagues, etc who have been through much of the stressful shit that has been posted on here with elderly parents who they have to look after, and do everything for, (life admin, shopping, housework, washing, cooking, all sorts, including personal care sometimes,) as well as having to do everything in their own life, as well as holding down a job, and sometimes having children at home. And it goes on for YEARS. (And they are almost all exlusively WOMEN.)

No man will ever do any care if there's a woman available. I have even seen some men push the care of their mother (the woman's mother-in-law) onto their wife! The men seem to be very busy when care work is needed, or not well, or something, anything!

The women are run completely ragged, they look 10 years older than their years, they have zero social life, and no time to themselves for any hobbies or winding down and relaxing... And many of them are no Spring chickens themselves (often in their 50s and 60s.)

That comment from that poster came from a place of complete ignorance and privilege.

Like others have said, if I see myself going like this, or develop something that means I will have a long, drawn out decline, I am off to Switzerland. I am not putting my children through what some middle aged children have to go through with their parents.

NewspaperTaxis · 14/05/2026 23:29

Did this thread start up straight after the Assisted Dying Bill failed? It all seems a bit one-sided.

Original poster

rockrollerpud · 15/05/2026 07:01

NewspaperTaxis · 14/05/2026 23:29

Did this thread start up straight after the Assisted Dying Bill failed? It all seems a bit one-sided.

This thread is about preventing what ordinarily would be a natural journey in old age. And how heart breaking it is when you are forced to witness your loved one suffering hourly and daily for over a decade. I find it truly offensive that you have deliberately tried to minimise my need to share my traumatic experience by suggesting there might be a malicious, ulterior motive. The assisted dying bill won’t help the thousands of dementia suffers anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

rockrollerpud · 15/05/2026 07:10

Ved · 14/05/2026 21:42

Exactly this. ^

I have had the good fortune to NOT have to deal with parents who had a very prolonged, drawn out decline, and became immobile, incontinent, dependent on people to feed them, and to do everything for them, and had a total cognitive decline. I haven't had to be that middle aged daughter who all the care fell to for many years, because as I said earlier, my parents went fairly quickly, as did theirs. All mid 70s to early 80s, so they lived a decent amount of years, and were all mobile, independent, and hadn't declined congnitively.

It was strokes, heart attacks, and cancer that took them all, (my parents and grandparents,) but they all died quite soon after becoming ill. (All less than 7 months.) I did have to do some care for my mum and dad, but for around 5-6 months, as they went downhill quickly and had quite a quick death. None of them went into care either. It was hard going at the time, as I had small children, but I only had to do it for a short while. (Less than half a year.) I can't imagine having to do it for many years like some do.

So whilst I didn't have to do it for long, I have seen sooooooooooo many friends, acquaintances, neighbours, and colleagues, etc who have been through much of the stressful shit that has been posted on here with elderly parents who they have to look after, and do everything for, (life admin, shopping, housework, washing, cooking, all sorts, including personal care sometimes,) as well as having to do everything in their own life, as well as holding down a job, and sometimes having children at home. And it goes on for YEARS. (And they are almost all exlusively WOMEN.)

No man will ever do any care if there's a woman available. I have even seen some men push the care of their mother (the woman's mother-in-law) onto their wife! The men seem to be very busy when care work is needed, or not well, or something, anything!

The women are run completely ragged, they look 10 years older than their years, they have zero social life, and no time to themselves for any hobbies or winding down and relaxing... And many of them are no Spring chickens themselves (often in their 50s and 60s.)

That comment from that poster came from a place of complete ignorance and privilege.

Like others have said, if I see myself going like this, or develop something that means I will have a long, drawn out decline, I am off to Switzerland. I am not putting my children through what some middle aged children have to go through with their parents.

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Thank you @Ved I feel seen!

OP posts:

Original poster

rockrollerpud · 15/05/2026 07:16

NewspaperTaxis · 14/05/2026 23:29

Did this thread start up straight after the Assisted Dying Bill failed? It all seems a bit one-sided.

I had no idea the Assisted Dying Bill failed - to be quite frank, I don’t have time to do anything other than work, raise young children under 12, do all life admin for my house, and DM and MIL, that being able to follow the news would be a luxury of time that I probably won’t have until my late sixties, if I’m lucky. By which point I won’t be long off joining a care home myself from stress.

OP posts:

NewspaperTaxis · 15/05/2026 10:35

It's not your opinion. It's the sheer deluge of opinions, all pretty one-sided.

Hallamule · 15/05/2026 11:05

rockrollerpud · 14/05/2026 20:04

But you won’t deal with it. Your adult children will - on your behalf. Because you won’t even know you are not dealing with it. It’s the cruelest, most vicious disease and it breaks entire families.

That’s the sorry state of affairs. We unnaturally prolong our lives, to the point we are still living when the cognition starts to break down and then. Well. Unless you’ve seen up close and personal a dementia journey lasting over a decade, it’s hard to explain the grief, trauma, and how you question the entire approach we have to old age and death in this country.

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Dementia runs rife through my family. My father died of Alzhiemers and my FiL has vascular dementia so I have perhaps more experience of it than you credit me for. Dementia doesnt just appear overnight and can be diagnosed early if you know what you're looking for.
Once diagnosed with dementia I intend to quietly end my life and the plans for this are already made and agreed w my loved ones. I also have made a living will stating no antibiotics, heart meds or vaccinations for flu or covid post diagnosis (belt and braces). Given that I'm immunosuppressed that will see me gone within a 12 month, so unless my husband and kids actively go against my wishes then there'll ll be nothing for them to deal with. Until then though I intend be living full and happy life assisted by medical science.

It's probably worth emphasising to all those worried about caring responsibilities for family members that these are entirely voluntary. No law says you have to lift a finger, or visit the care home.

smallglassbottle · 15/05/2026 11:06

NewspaperTaxis · 15/05/2026 10:35

It's not your opinion. It's the sheer deluge of opinions, all pretty one-sided.

I'm a Christian and don't agree with assisted dying and what other people are writing is accurate. I was a qualified nurse in elderly care for almost 30 years and quit my career due to what I experienced and was forced to be involved in. Forcing frail, sick, elderly people to remain alive at all costs is barbaric and I could no longer agree or cope with these practices.

This isn't an agenda, it's real life unfortunately. I'm still opposed to assisted dying, but I do oppose forced existence when nature should be allowed to take its course.