Care homes make me think people never die

[rockrollerpud]

Recently I was given the news that someone I know died suddenly. Classic late seventies, living life totally normally, seemingly slim, fit and healthy, then gone within 24 hours from heart attack. This was surreal to me. And here is why.

I visit a relative in a care home weekly. And for want of better words, I’ve been visiting so long that I honestly feel like some people can’t die. Or at least, their bodies are just designed to trundle on like a diesel engine car with 200,000 miles on the clock.

Most of them are 80-100 years old. Many sit there all day asleep with their mouths open. Many are overweight, have multiple health conditions, yet they just don’t ever change from that. They go on for years/decades.

I have to say, there are far more women than men in the care home.

Quite regularly, I’ll read on here, that someone struggled at home but then went in a care home and only lasted 1-2 years. Yet I see the majority seem to live forever in the care homes.

Before I knew what I know now about elderly disease and decline, I’d always assumed that by the time I got to a care home, I’d be so spent, I’d only last a few years too. But now it’s freaking me out that I, like many others, could spend 15% of my life in one.

Anyone else a long term visitor to a care home and be shocked at this?

Completely know what you mean OP.

MIL was in a nursing home, immobile, advanced Parkinson’s, dementia and osteoporosis. Yet they kept her alive for 4.5 miserable years. In any natural situation, she would have died long before - that’s what happens to animals when they are too old to eat, drink, move, communicate.

Dementia and Alzheimer’s are now the leading cause of death in the UK. Great job guys - we’ve stopped people dying of natural causes and now we’re keeping them alive long enough to die a horrible, drawn-out living death instead.

FIL for example. As a dedicated smoker, drinker and enthusiastic consumer of daily fried breakfast, he should have died of a heart attack years ago. But he had a quadruple bypass instead. And now at 80 he’s setting off down the same path as MIL , diagnosed with vascular dementia, frail, confused and lonely.

Again, I can only say, if they're in that state, take then to a care home in Surrey. Often they will get two years tops, then they're out of there - whether they or their family like it or not.

You keep saying this but as someone who has LPA for an elderly uncle in a NH in Surrey, it hasn't been my experience at all. He went in as 'end-of-life' but has rallied considerably as they spooned him full of mush and pumped antibiotics into him. He has zero quality of life - he is bedbound and incontinent - but will probably survive for years, at the cost of £2k a week, which all goes to the private equity company that own the NH. He had a very complex artery replacement two years ago to save his life. It would have been better all round if he had passed away then. The last two years have been nothing but pain, misery and a loss of dignity for him.

That will be me sadly. Only child, no children of my own and no other relatives. I will end my days completely alone. Likewise, I hope to live in a retirement village where hopefully I will be supported.

It’s honestly shocking the amount of very expensive, high risk, invasive medical intervention that very elderly people receive, no wonder the NHS is on its knees and practically bankrupt.
FIL, late 80s was admitted to hospital with severe constipation. He was in so much pain it caused a mild heart attack which only showed up when he said he was having a bit of pain in his chest.
One doctor said he had to have a stent fitted but another doctor overruled him as FIL was deemed frail.
In the end he was given stronger statins which are much cheaper than the stent procedure I’d imagine!

He's now just a a cash cow☹️
The private equity companies can see that house prices are on the slide and they want to siphon off the equity before the bubble bursts.

Yes best solution and before we get too old. If you choose wisely you may have more support from neighbors and staff than you would from kids anyway . Fingers crossed xx

But if care homes didn’t exist what is the alternative?
Maybe I am just too much of a capitalist but it doesn’t seem ridiculous that those owning them would expect them to run at a profit and 19% doesn’t seem ridiculous. I do wish of course that the care staff were paid more, but you could say that about most businesses.

The issue is caused by people living too long due to medical intervention. I tried to keep DPs at home for as long as possible, partly because they wanted to, partly because it was the cheapest option and partly because I have seen other people’s DPs in care homes lasting longer than anyone could feasibly imagine. But ultimately it was a simple choice between my mental and physical health or them going into a home. Gawd knows where I would be now if care homes didn’t exist or they couldn’t afford it, so unfortunately they are a necessary evil.

A chap that I know is at the cliff face of dementia research/drug development. He’s full of enthusiasm that a drug they are developing will slow dementia, note slow not cure. So essentially in the next 20yrs we might be living with dementia for even longer. He thinks it'll be a marvellous thing, I’m not so sure!

I see it the other way, it will be life-changing for those that develop early onset dementias. And for those that are older and more frail at diagnosis, it will improve their quality of life until their body gives up from other causes, possibly allowing more of them to stay at home. They may also maintain capacity and autonomy over their care and enable them to say enough’s enough for treatments.

Care homes are as necessary as nurseries and crèches if we are to pursue ‘personal happiness’ as our primary motivation. Women used to do all of this care, at each end of life. But it’s not a lot of fun, it’s low status, there’s no money in it, and there are much more fun/rewarding/personally enriching things to do than wipe bums and feed mush to old people / babies. So we hand it over to private equity to provide a solution - just like we do with nursery and crèche, where people with fewer options do all this shit work for us. And we say that’s progress. The job still has to be done - but we get to choose to not do it now. And like everything else private companies will step in to provide these services for us.

i was a SAHM for ten years: I’ve no desire to care for aged parents for ten years. But part of the problem is that people generally used to retire then pop their clogs a few years later. They died of heart attacks, pneumonia, flu, sometimes cancer - not lingering on for years and years in a state that requires specialist equipment and round the clock, hands-on care to manage the most basic bodily functions.

Sorry - double post, edited

I agree that good carehomes are desperately needed. I think they should be run by the state though. Maybe with different offers according to what people want to pay. Old age shouldn’t be something to make profit on.

You could make the same argument about children’s nurseries though- why should companies profit from childcare.

I have to admit to being glad my DPs are at a care home that only accepts paying residents. I find it particularly iniquitous that when there’s mixed residents the private residents costs are bumped up to cover the difference.

The main issue as far as I can see is that in DPs care home, most of the carers don’t speak very good English and there appears to be a fair bit of turnover. They seem like caring and hardworking staff but the language barrier causes an issue because both of my DPs are - like many elderly people- fairly deaf and DMs speech is failing so she is difficult to understand. I am not sure how having council run care homes would get round this unless they paid the carers more and I suspect they wouldn’t.

But then there would be several tiers of care, and old age would be something to make a profit on. There should be one level of care-good care!

Who is paying for these state run care homes?

My grandmother went into a care home relatively okay for her age and died a couple of weeks later

MIL died at 71. I think if she had been in a care home she would have lived for many more years. She never would have gone jn one though.
Her main issues were taking medication and drinking water and needed someone to supervise her. She was fine when she was in hospital and someone did that.

That's young nowadays though

Not really. Just old age which starts by the way at 55

I don't think there's ever been a day when 71 was considered young 😂

I’m not sure - I don’t pretend to understand much of what he talks about when I ask how was work this week😂 but it’s something to do with proteins in the skin like layer around the brain. It’s more to stop the severe symptoms I think rather than stopping it progressing in the early stages, by which time, to my way of thinking my life would already be so poor that I wouldn't want to extend it. But I suppose quality of life is a different measure to all of us.
He's been involved with various drugs that showed promise in early stages, but I dont think they've lived up to much in the real world. It’s the cruelest disease.

I suppose if the new drug keeps them functioning in their own homes for long enough then that will be a good thing. Hopefully long enough for a quick natural causes death

That’s middle age!

Same. I do have cousins, but I have no illusions that their children will take much of an interest.