Care homes make me think people never die

[rockrollerpud]

Recently I was given the news that someone I know died suddenly. Classic late seventies, living life totally normally, seemingly slim, fit and healthy, then gone within 24 hours from heart attack. This was surreal to me. And here is why.

I visit a relative in a care home weekly. And for want of better words, I’ve been visiting so long that I honestly feel like some people can’t die. Or at least, their bodies are just designed to trundle on like a diesel engine car with 200,000 miles on the clock.

Most of them are 80-100 years old. Many sit there all day asleep with their mouths open. Many are overweight, have multiple health conditions, yet they just don’t ever change from that. They go on for years/decades.

I have to say, there are far more women than men in the care home.

Quite regularly, I’ll read on here, that someone struggled at home but then went in a care home and only lasted 1-2 years. Yet I see the majority seem to live forever in the care homes.

Before I knew what I know now about elderly disease and decline, I’d always assumed that by the time I got to a care home, I’d be so spent, I’d only last a few years too. But now it’s freaking me out that I, like many others, could spend 15% of my life in one.

Anyone else a long term visitor to a care home and be shocked at this?

@WhaleEye @Allseeingallknowing

I feel your pain! (As do many others I believe!)

Wearing porcelain overcoats!

The vet enquiry has not resulted in guidelines, it has resulted in requirements which are not set to begin come into action until September this year. larger companies will be required to comply first, the smaler ones will be given more time. https://www.gov.uk/guidance/what-veterinary-businesses-and-vets-need-to-do-following-the-cmas-final-vets-report do get your facts right

When my Mum who was suffering from Alzheimer’s was in hospital and only eating small amounts of food the staff discovered she had a sweet tooth. They were almost cheering on one occasion when they phoned my Dad and told him she’d eaten two bowls of sweetened porridge.
Pre dementia my Mum wouldn’t have touched porridge and whilst she liked sweet things she only ate them in strict moderation as she didn’t want to ‘get fat. At the time of her diagnosis Mum had a lot of insight, didn’t want to live with Alzheimer’s and started to restrict her food intake. The reaction from her GP was to prescribe anti depressants. I’d expect someone with a diagnosis of dementia to be depressed and the last thing I’d be doing is essentially giving them happy pills.

Thanks @godmum56 I and others have the correct information now. Let’s wait and see what difference it makes from September - I’m not a pet owner so my interest is as a comparative rather than direct.

I think the problem for those of us now in our 50/60s is going to be very different. I believe a good many of us are simply going to drop dead before the elderly folk we care for, from the extremely high levels of stress we experience in trying to care for them,our families, everyone but ourselves

I hope that you are able to live out your wishes. I also hope that within your planning you have a contingency for when you start to need more help , so that the pressure isn't put on close relatives to provide that care.

Yes, we should stop running round after others & focus on our own wellbeing.

Theres actually a thread on here about that article.

The problem is that by the time people need help, they don’t have the cognitive abilities to organise it. All this - we’ll stay at home and care for ourselves, is utter delusion. And that burden of organising care and keeping that care go going, always falls to the adult children. Organising the care and dealing with a care company is a significant burden on its own.

I’ve not met a single elderly person when at care stage be able to organise it themselves.

@Iamstardust I am attempting to do just that

Can you put a link to it please?

I am hopeful that the extreme stress of the past year means I will be unlikely to live as long as my DPs. I would honestly rather kill myself than put DS through anything similar. Also we won’t have the huge pots of money they did when they finally agreed care was needed ( about a year later than it actually was) because I couldn’t apply for high paid full time jobs when my contract ended as doing too much for DPs an hour away.

Still the care home is an absolute blessing.DF seems very happy there, DM less so but that’s her particular brand of dementia. Yes it’s expensive, but the heating is always on max, they are on the nursing wing so the care ratios are high and DF enjoys the excursions and the afternoon wine.

I would hope that serious conversations have been had with any close relatives and they've been advised should @OldJohn or husband wife end up in that situation, that Social Services are called and the relatives then hold very strong boundaries or refusing to do what needs done.

I have recently found myself in a situation where I have done just that. SS are not impressed. However they have a duty of care and I've made it clear that my priority and responsibility right now is to look after myself and my children.

I know it's easier said than done!
I have a friend in his 60's still working a physically strenuous job and also obligated to spend weekends tending his mother's large garden. He is getting more & more tired as she requires more & more help. Siblings dont live locally & no longer visit (presumably) because they dont want to get roped in.

I might be fortunate that I don't have any close relatives who would feel that they need to care for me. They would be happy to support me to make my own decisions.

Yep. If there’s no one to help them organize it it’s such a sad situation. I’m keen on the idea of DH and I renting ( not buying) a nice sheltered housing flat/ senior apartment when we get to about 70. There’s some lovely looking ones near us. In my mind we’ll sell our house and keep the money in the bank for care needs. It seems the best way to stay independent with a warden etc to keep an eye out. It means less hassle for adult kids too.

This is the problem. Adult children are getting on themselves. It’s a sad situation that you and your aging kids are left to manage if you don’t have the money to pay for residential care when you clearly need it.

To those who say they’d never go in a home, what if one or both of you
Get dementia and become violent.
Become doubly incontinent
Become immobile
Develop a serious health condition
Even carers several times a day will not be enough. Never say never…

Tbf my dad had a large inheritance plus a house in his 40s has never paid a mortgage has taken 2 lots of equity release, never helped out me or my sibling and had a very nice, financialy comfortable life he's just outlived his resources. its not sad that he can't afford care it's downright stupid. But your point stands residential care should be available to those that need it but sadly those that need it are living longer and longer and there's more of them than the system can accommodate.

I appreciate your positivity. Sadly things don't always work out tge way we plan. Like I said before I hope you can live out your life in the way you choose, but with a hope that it doesn't come at a great cost to those who love you.

Exactly this. It's so unfair and wrong that adult children are having to care for elderly relatives. (Many who are in their 50s and 60s, and many who have health issues themselves, children still living at home, and a job.)

Ah I see . Not easy at all when you know he actually had the funds. I suppose no one believes they’ll need care one day.

I’ve had discussions with my mum about future proofing where she lives( she refuses point blank to move to a bungalow) .
Her answer is to say she’ll drop dead before any of that is needed. Except she might not. But she will not have it.
Shes terrified of going into a home so at least some planning should be done for enabling her to remain at home, but no, not interested.
So now we wait for the inevitable crisis.

Supporting you to make your own decisions IS caring for you. If you get dementia your decisions will likely be unreasonable and risky. They will take the brunt of that. In reality this means they’ll be fielding calls, uploading power of attorneys to
an endless list of institutions, researching, sending emails, sacrificing their free time, sacrificing their work time, unable to switch off their phones, responding to last minute crisis calls from social workers, nurses, care company managers and run ragged taking you to hospital appointments.

And as I mentioned earlier, you’d likely be unable to make your own decisions. So they’ll be burdened and stressed whatever happens.