Too young for a care home?

[Fizzyrosie]

My Dad is 76, diagnosis of dementia in Oct. He seems to have got worse quite quickly and my mum can't really cope. He is fine with me but I work full time. I go round at least once a week and also do overnights too. I can't really do more. They've just started getting carers in twice a week which does mean my mum gets a break.

It has been very stressful as they've moved house further away from me and my dad has gone further downhill and now seems to struggling with incontinence. My parents marriage has often been strained but the atmosphere is so tense all the time and caring takes endless patience at the best of times. My mum wants to look at care homes. I think we should give the carers more of a chance and see what we can do to manage it better at home including not getting so angry with him. When I look after him I can get him to relax more and generally find he's ok. This just makes my mum angry "he does it for you" is the refrain.

They have some money but not that much if it's got to last 10 years! He's pretty fit and well Apart from dementia.

When we look for homes should we look at ones that accept council funding too as he will probably need that when the savings run out.

I have two personal and recent situations which impacted the carer catastrophically. My uncle mid 70s was caring for my aunt in moderate stage and he had a heart attack and died instantly. My aunt was found wandering the streets the next day in her nightie.

My neighbour similar situation had a very severe stroke as the carer - she was left severely paralysed and with significant brain injury died 4 months later never left hospital.

Both the dementia sufferers are now being cared for in a home. That’s just my anecdotal observations - here are the evidence based research of risks:

Carers in their 70s and 80s looking after a spouse with dementia face severe health risks, including a 600% higher chance of developing dementia themselves, chronic stress, and depression. Physical risks include worsened chronic conditions (arthritis, high blood pressure), severe sleep deprivation, and higher mortality risk. These carers often neglect their own health, leading to burnout, social isolation, and potential injury. 1, , 4, 5, 6]
Key Mental Health Risks

• Depression and Anxiety: Dementia caregivers report higher rates of anxiety, panic attacks, mood swings, and depression.
• Caregiver Burnout/Strain: Chronic stress and exhaustion are common, particularly when managing behavioral issues (e.g., sundowning).
• Isolation and Grief: Loss of social connections and anticipatory grief for the loss of the relationship as it was.
• Cognitive Decline: Spouse caregivers face an increased risk of cognitive impairment, often attributed to chronic stress, high cortisol, and shared environmental factors. 1, 2, 3, 4,

Key Physical Health Risks

• Chronic Disease Exacerbation: Caregiving stress can worsen arthritis, hypertension, diabetes, and cardiovascular issues.
• Reduced Immunity: Long-term strain lowers immune function, leading to slower wound healing and increased susceptibility to infections.
• Physical Injury: Older caregivers are at higher risk for falls, bruises, and back injuries due to heavy physical demands, such as lifting or assisting with mobility.
• Neglect of Self-Care: Caregivers often skip their own medical appointments, diet poorly, and stop exercising. 1, 2, , 5]

Factors Aggravating Risk

• Age-related Vulnerability: The caregivers themselves are older with their own age-related health limitations, making the physical burden of care more taxing.
• High-Intensity Care: Providing round-the-clock care for dementia reduces time for rest, often resulting in severe exhaustion.
• Relationship Type: Spousal caregivers are more vulnerable to burnout and worse health outcomes compared to adult children caregivers. 1, 2, ]

Support and Management

• Seek Support: Utilize respite care, support groups, and local carer support services to reduce isolation and physical strain.
• Prioritize Personal Health: Actively manage your own medication, diet, and doctor appointments, treating your health with the same urgency as your spouse's.
• Identify Warning Signs: Be alert to severe fatigue, depression, or new physical symptoms and seek professional advice early

It’s good that you are supporting your mum. She’s the only one who can decide what she can and cannot cope with, as she is the main carer. It’s really hard for you all, but particularly for her.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation OP.
I've worked with dementia teams for years and it is very much a postcode lottery re how much support you will be given.
IME the big charities like Alzheimer's UK and Admiral nurses are very quick to fundraise money but not very proactive at "being there".
I think your best bet is to ring social services or your local NHS later life and memory team (if there is one in your area) and ask for an assessment.
In my area he would be under the care of a specialist psychiatrist, with his own community nurse and he would have OT, physio and social work assessments as appropriate.
There would also be dedicated support workers to guide your mum.
Ultimately there are two people being affected here and whilst your Dad does have some protection of liberty rights, your Mum also has a right not to be forced to care for him 24/7 at the detriment of her own health.

A 75 year old woman would not be your first choice as a carer for anyone else. Your mum shouldn't have to cope with just occasional respite.

Age isn't relevant.
Neither (at the moment) is the house, because your mum still lives in it and will continue to do so when your dad goes into a care home.

Incontinence and increasing degree of dementia are the tipping points for admission.

Come and join us on THIS THREAD for support and advice.

It’s not just the day to day personal care for the dementia - it’s all the other related and unrelated medical appointments etc that come with older age - so you are constantly coordinating everything from so many different healthcare people / hospital appointments etc on top of the carers, admin and running a house. Being the sole point of contact is a full time job. Once my MIL went into a home all of the numerous services that needed coordination / admin etc disappeared as it is all taken care of under one roof.

It was such a relief - and that was us in our late 40s. This is only going to get worse for everyone - don’t let a crisis via hospital be your route to the inevitable next step.

I also feel for your DM. No idea why her marriage is challenging but women of that generation did a lot of putting up and shutting up making sacrifices for others rather than living their own peaceful lives. She may have been nudging through her marriage with deep frustration, contempt, resentment and stress and this being her ‘reward’ is intolerable.

If you stand back your DF is already requiring significant input weekly from you, your DH, x2 carers, healthcare services etc and your DM - that’s a heavy load to coordinate day to day never mind implement and is only going to become more burdensome.

It’s called ‘hostess/host mode’ - behaving relatively normally for visitors, even if they’re family.
People used to wonder why on earth I was up to here with my FiL, because of the ‘host mode’ he could so successfully adopt for an hour or so. They were never there when he was asking me the same question over 30 times in one hour, or erupting into a violent rage over some small thing over which I had no control anyway,

Caring can feel like a life sentence for the person caring. My mum went into a home this year and my dad is still quite stressed when visiting but is freer and able to to live his life without worrying 24/7. Caring over years has had a massive toll on him. I just hope he can enjoy the years he now has left in a slightly more relaxed way.

I think you need to listen really carefully to your mum here. When you see your dad, you have the ability to go home and leave it behind you. Your mum doesn’t have that and if the marriage was already strained, it’s going to be even more difficult to care for someone. Caring is incredibly hard, soul-destroying work and the only reason (IMO) that people do it for so long is because they often have a deep commitment forged from love and friendship. If that isn’t really there, resentment, sadness and depression can easily kick in. Don’t let that happen to your mum.

If they’d eventually be relying on state support then I believe the threshold for a care home is quite high but your mum’s sense of wellbeing and emotional peace is incredibly important here.

As far as funding I’m concerned, neither forms of public funding will be available to them unless the funding body (adult social services or nhs continuing care) assesses them as requiring 24/7 placement. Unless they are a danger to themselves or others, domiciliary care will be provided first up to 4 visits a year and we even got funding for overnight care in their own home. They have substantial private funds so he may have deteriorated by then but no guarantee of that. Your mother obviously isn’t coping so the first avenue is a formal assessment by social services of each of their needs, one with diminished capacity the other as a carer and start from there.

Day centres might be a good first step and are significantly cheaper, local to me there’s 2 different options, one council and one private, you drop them in after 8am and collect before 6pm just like a nursery and it’s from £40 a day including food, suspect that from does some heavy lifting!

Why is your dad only having care visits 2 days a week ? If it was every day your mum might be more accepting to your dad staying at home.

My mum is now in a care home but i wish i had got her more care when she was still in her flat. She has vascular dementia and is only 73. Has gone downhill v quickly. Was driving last March. Now in a care home. If i were you I would get a daily carer to help your mum and she would probably be more patient. In the meantime, check out local care homes, so you are ahead of the game when it comes to that. Good luck!
.