Should I reduce work to support my elderly parents more?

[Timetocheersme]

I'm not really sure exactly what I'm looking to say here, perhaps just getting things off my chest?

My parents are soon to be 78. My dad retired at 39 through ill health (chronic fatigue) so we are used to him being unwell. He's recently been diagnosed with stage 4 (Gleason 9) prostate cancer. He is not doing well. Had difficulty walking, started on Zimmer quickly and there's an issue with no sleep and convulsions at nights which they're awaiting further info on.

My mum is exhausted. They've both been on antibiotics this week for chest infections. She's been bed bound. Her chest infections happen a few times a year. She's also been at hospital this week re a hernia. This needs operated on and 3 days in hospital.At first when my dad was diagnosed she would be with him during the night, give him a drink and chat. I can see how exhausted she is now. She's leaves him a flask and leaves him to it.

I'm feeling like I should be there most days now to help my mum and dad. They're older and it's the first time I've seen them both vulnerable. I currently see them fridays and weekends.

I can see things will get harder in the future for all. I'm financially quite secure. Could pay my bills etc for ten years. Should I spend more time with them when they're getting to the point of needing me? I feel like I gave my ds 4 years baby to toddler, and should do the same for my parents if I can afford it. For those with experience, what do you think? I'm 50. My brother also lives locally but is a director. I'm less senior and could work less hours.

Should I just hold off, see how things pan out and not rush anything? I'm just feeling miserable and overwhelmed with no joy in life and perhaps I want to take another stressor off the table (work,). This has just been rant really. I could go on and tell your about how my friends don't seem to even care to ask after my parents (who they know), and it's made me question friendships - but that's another thread!

Exactly. The OP would be expected to just carry on. I doubt her DB would step up.

I would really really discourage you from doing this. The problem is (I’m not including sudden emergencies in this) that when people get a level of help, that becomes the new baseline - the amount you do will be taken for granted, and the amount they want from you will only increase.

So if you start reducing hours now, you’ll never go back to full time. Anything you do now will only go up and it will be assumed by everybody including your brother, your parents, their doctors, social services etc that you will just keep doing it forever.

Your parents could have another twenty years, and it will destroy your life to become their full time carer.

So help them by making sure they have the services they need, and keeping an eye on things, but don’t take on care yourself.

No, don't. You are still young and could end up giving away 10 to 15 years if care before they have even hit crunch point.

Before you do anything drastic see what benefits work offer such as carers leave, unpaid time off etc to get your parents in a better place and accessing things like attendance allowance. Get them a social care assessment, and yourself a carers assessment, and - even if they are self funders - get the team to sign post them to support at home. In the long run it is actually better for your parents to feel like they are managing in their own home, than it is for you to step in and take away their independence. It also means you can continue to be their daughter, and not their carer. Also, kindly - your children may need you at some point - even as adults. How thin can you realistically spread yourself?

My friend provides home help 2 days a week for a couple of hours each time to a number of families to give them a break. In our area is it around £16-£26 per hour. Better to pay for that than give up work right now. Otherwise you are scuppering your own retirement.

While your DB may not have time to step in, he can help out in other ways - putting in admin support, helping you source a home help etc etc. Speak to him.

Is your DF been referee to the local Hospice too? When my DFIL had terminal cancer our local hospice took him one day a week for a while and matched him up with a “befriended” who also visited him once a week.

Thanks all, lots to consider. Eye opening and very sad. My dad has Marie Curie nurse calling him a lot and I believe they're getting what they're entitled to financially. He's not interested in any respite or going anywhere without my mum. My parents would not want me to give up work to help them. They also wouldn't accept outside carers coming in. Not yet. My mother is worn out though and I'm worried about her.

I'm thinking I will keep my hours at work and in time, cut them back a little but not give up my job. I believe work will be flexible in allowing me to change hrs. I work from home most of the time and I could work from their place when I'm needed, so that's an option too.

I found myself supporting my parents when my mum got cancer whilst parenting a toddler and holding down a stressful job. I ended up ill myself and gave up work for 3 years until my son was at school . It was brilliant because it gave me time to catch my breath.
id definitely go part time if you can afford to you could support with hospital visits and see them in the week so weekends can be family/down time.

@Timetocheersme that sounds like a very sensible and sensitive approach.

I would keep trying to encourage them to accept in paid carers - very few people want it, but for the very intimate matters of personal care it’s often better to have a trained and paid carer do it. Maybe they would be amenable to something like a gardening service or cleaner which are easier to start with and get them used to having paid support.

Good that your work seems so flexible.

Personally, I think I would encourage them to get professional carers in to help make yours and your mums life easier then when you visit you visit as a daughter. Or could you perhaps reduce your hours at work.

Do you want to do it, or do you feel you ought to?

You clearly love and care about your parents, but obligation can quickly turn to resentment and irritation.

Attendance Allowance, paid care, and you doing the more fun / social visits might work better?

Your own pension and ability to care for yourself when you get frail? Where is that if you give up income now?

They also wouldn't accept outside carers coming in. Not yet. My mother is worn out though and I'm worried about her.

Having "carers" come is a big scary thing. It makes them feel like the end is near.
So don't employ carers. Instead, suggest they get in a cleaner, a gardener, a handyman, an administrator, a laundry service, a housekeeper or cook, the kind of people that the wealthy have as "staff" or professional contractors.
That is much more palatable and less threatening.

The focus needs to be on how you can help your mother. What would make her life easier?

I work from home most of the time and I could work from their place when I'm needed, so that's an option too.

This can be a really useful option. My dad lived too far away to give day-to-day help so I used to go and work from his house 1 week a month. Worked as normal during the day, then used the weekend and evenings to do a blitz on catch up jobs- clean, tidy, laundry, hoise maintenance big shop, pills sorted into dosette boxes, and get up to date with all the admin. A tiring 7 days, but then 3 weeks to relax knowing that all their meals, hospital transport etc were sorted for the month. That also helps set limits on what you can do - things like personal care that need daily input have to be outsourced because you are simply not there to do it and it can't wait.

That's a more difficult limit to set when you're local, but may help you think about what types of help you can give and what needs outsourcing.

They may not like the idea of strangers coming in to help, but that doesn't mean you're obligated to fill the gap. Especially with things like personal care that fundamentally change your relationship, or manual handling that needs special training to avoid you injuring yourself.

Even of they completely refuse carers coming in I'd still encourage them.to get a care and OT assessment. This can give them equipment - like chair risers and raised loo seats - than enables them.to manage more things without assistance.

I agree with PP that you need to be very careful what you offer stays within the bounds of what you can manage long term without damaging your own health or future.

And I also very strongly agree with PP that your brother is not off the hook because he has a Big Important Job. He's in a better position than you to take on some of the load, not a worse one.

Age uk.companion/shopper/houswwork. Everything except personal.care. takes somw burden off
You need to.sensitise them.to having helpers.come in

You did not give birth to your parents so you can’t compare their needs (and any sacrifices you may make) to those or your own child.

Your brother’s career (or time) is not more important than yours.

It sounds like this has been a deteriorating situation for your parents (40 years in your dad’s case) and they have had plenty of time to come to terms with things and make appropriate plans - they need to do this and not just rely on you.

You are a person in your own right and have needs just like anybody else. Do not underplay your needs to provide for others.

Have you done the calculations to see what leaving work now will do to your pension(s) and what sort of retirement will you have?

You are just as important as everyone else.

I wouldn't, you need to look after your own finances and welfare first, this could go on for years getting harder and harder while your DB reaps all the benefits of staying FT in the workplace and having a ready made excuse not to help more. Put in place external help from them, help with the admin etc but you need to keep some of your free time for yourself or you will burn out.

If you are happy to be part time until you retire then you should certainly drop your hours and spend more time with your parents while they are still here.

i wouldn’t take on their care (other than maybe shopping and some help cleaning), but I would spend time with them. My Dad went downhill slowly and then all at once and then he was gone.

I wouldn't cut back work hours - because at 50+ it's so hard to get back in if you step back! If you need a week of carer's leave to help your DPs manage their current crisis, take it. Most people have provisions in their contracts for short-term caring responsibilities, but I honestly wouldn't put your own financial security at risk. Your DPs, either one or both of them, could live for a decade or two yet and you will need your pension and savings to ensure that you are provided for in old age.

MN is full of guilt-ridden DDs who run themselves ragged and risk their own financial security while caring for DPs who 'won't accept outside help', while their FT-working DBs do fuck all and feel no guilt at all. Don't fall into that trap! Get your DB to pull his weight, get your DPs to accept a care needs assessment from adult SS, and don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm - even if they are your DPs and you love them.

I might come across harsh, but the amount of help I’d offer would be related to how helpful my parents were (obviously given your situation, this might not count) when I had a child and also how good of a parent they were.

78 is elderly op only you can decide but being in ill health does shorten your life span the ones doing marathons good on them but they obviously don’t have many illnesses.

I'm just feeling miserable and overwhelmed with no joy in life and perhaps I want to take another stressor off the table (work,). This has just been rant really. I could go on and tell your about how my friends don't seem to even care to ask after my parents (who they know), and it's made me question friendships

It reads @Timetocheersme as though this is what you need to address. What you could do, what you should do and what you want to do are the priorities you need to sort out. I’m unclear why you’re asking the question when you want to stop working and you can afford to stop working? What’s holding you back?

I totally agree with this. I think a good thing to ask yourself before offering any more of your times and reserves is “what would my DB do?”. If you wouldn’t expect your DB to do it then you shouldn’t be doing it either.

For now I would stay as you are with work but talk to your DPs, maybe with your DB present, and ask them how they think this is going to pan out.

Your DF needs overnight care but won’t go into respite and your DM is exhausted and running the risk of becoming ill herself. Sounds like they need this pointing out and asking how they see a way to help themselves?

No, you can be there for the between times, nice visits, bring some joy, but organise care, meals, support and save your energies for the stress points, extra curricular life 'stuff'. You could end up exhausted and running on empty, for now the practical help from elsewhere is key, not you tiring yourself and quickly realising you can't do it all.

Thanks again for all the messages, really learning a lot from those of you who have been there or know all about it.

I'm now not going to consider leaving my job. I am sticking with the hours I'm on at the moment, but know I can cut back a little when I want to spend more time with them - as a daughter, not a carer. I'm very fortunate that my work are so flexible and would allow temporary changes for more hours or less hours (HR). That said, I have savings and I don't want them depleted too much. I can see also that there are many carers who gave up work, cared for years and lost themselves.

I like the idea of framing 'help', as practical support and not 'carers'. If we can take some stressors off the table then that will help my mum. Also agree that my bro should be included in planning as a family.

My parents are wonderful. They would do anything for me and my son if they could.

My advice would be a definite no. It’s an admirable idea but it is very easy to get sucked into more and more caring until you lose your own identity completely.
Start by asking for the relevant assessments etc; do they get Attendance Allowance… that would go a long way towards paying for some care.
If you’re financially sound then you could spend on care/cleaner etc.
But decide on your boundaries and make sure you look after yourself. And accept that at some point you will feel guilty whatever you do.

If you do this now you could well end up using all the 10 years of savings and still have a parent needed support. You'd also be in your 60 and with money, a crap pension and bucket fills of resentment while your brother is sitting pretty.

Get advice, pay for support, make sure your brother does his bit or before thinking of any other options. Old age is brutal and hard no matter what you do, don't break your health on something you can't do.

I think just do what you can. Our dads care went on for ten years though.. so will jobs still be flexible to it. Not easy op as you say.