Should I reduce work to support my elderly parents more?

[Timetocheersme]

I'm not really sure exactly what I'm looking to say here, perhaps just getting things off my chest?

My parents are soon to be 78. My dad retired at 39 through ill health (chronic fatigue) so we are used to him being unwell. He's recently been diagnosed with stage 4 (Gleason 9) prostate cancer. He is not doing well. Had difficulty walking, started on Zimmer quickly and there's an issue with no sleep and convulsions at nights which they're awaiting further info on.

My mum is exhausted. They've both been on antibiotics this week for chest infections. She's been bed bound. Her chest infections happen a few times a year. She's also been at hospital this week re a hernia. This needs operated on and 3 days in hospital.At first when my dad was diagnosed she would be with him during the night, give him a drink and chat. I can see how exhausted she is now. She's leaves him a flask and leaves him to it.

I'm feeling like I should be there most days now to help my mum and dad. They're older and it's the first time I've seen them both vulnerable. I currently see them fridays and weekends.

I can see things will get harder in the future for all. I'm financially quite secure. Could pay my bills etc for ten years. Should I spend more time with them when they're getting to the point of needing me? I feel like I gave my ds 4 years baby to toddler, and should do the same for my parents if I can afford it. For those with experience, what do you think? I'm 50. My brother also lives locally but is a director. I'm less senior and could work less hours.

Should I just hold off, see how things pan out and not rush anything? I'm just feeling miserable and overwhelmed with no joy in life and perhaps I want to take another stressor off the table (work,). This has just been rant really. I could go on and tell your about how my friends don't seem to even care to ask after my parents (who they know), and it's made me question friendships - but that's another thread!

This. Get other things in place before permanently moving to a less rewarding work contract. Carers, things like online shopping. Flexible working would be worth requesting, if you don't have it in place, because then you can take time here and there to help when needed, eg for medical appointments, and make that up.

So. My take, having been through this is... you do what you feel you need to do so you can live with yourself once your parents die. If that means taking time off... take the time off. No regrets. No " but my brother didn't..." you do you. Personally, I would. I did. I still wish I'd done more. You can go back to work, but you can't ever get these years back looking after your parents at their most vulnerable.

Thnaks again for all the comments. I feel people have seen through to my soul. I see comments brother going to sail through it, very likely but it's the way it's always been.

It could go on for years and years and it gets very wearing, believe me.
They need to be getting carers in place otherwise you will be tied down.
And think about what you could end up doing. Are you happy to do toilet escorting etc? What sort of help are you thinking you’d provide if you dropped your hours?

The problem you (and I, I've been thinking about this too) have is that you don't know how long this will last. As parents, we have an expectation about our child's developmental trajectory, which although is thwarted if they are profoundly disabled, is statistically usually correct. Caring for the elderly you've no idea how and when things will deteriorate. You take some time off work to get things sorted, and before you know it there is another crisis.

Things to consider - do you genuinely enjoy spending time with your parents? I love spending time with my mum, she's fab company but as she ages I'm starting to find things difficult when we are out and about.
How easy is it to change your work pattern? I could take a sabbatical / career break, but then what will have changed when it is time to go back? Let's face it, neither of us can expect our aging parents to be healthier a year down the line.
The conclusions I've come to for myself are that whatever I decide to do, I'm doing it for myself. Don't expect any thanks or help from your brother or necessarily from your parents. Don't expect your kids to do the same for you, there's no short term karma.

Anything I do needs to be sustainable. Financially, practically, emotionally.

Lastly there are a few "unscheduled" hours for self care /flexibility in my week.
Don't do anything as drastic as giving up work, but use any flexible working policies to give you time to sort what nerds sorting in the immediate term, and make sure you've made everything as easy as possible for your future self.

Something else you could do is reduce your hours but don't tell your parents

So when you need to give them extra help, you've got extra time to recover
But they don't know that you are free on a Wednesday afternoon, so they're not gonna ask you to do something on a Wednesday afternoon

Your son is really not a good example of this because with a child, you have a timeframe to work to of what goals they will reasonably be expected to achieve and then their growing independence

You don't get a timeline with Parents

I worked with a lady whose mother had terminal cancer for about three years
She had a really tough time managing that, but it's a good thing she did didn't do anything drastic like leave the job

Thanks you all. I'm reading all and taking it in.

OP, you say you’re financially secure, but are you secure enough to give up your job and perhaps never work again? You don’t know how long your parents will need you, and if you’re out of the workplace for much more than a year, you’ll find it very hard to get back. As others have mentioned, there are also implications as far as your pension is concerned. If you are in a position to go part-time, I’d do that - apart from anything else, it would give you a bit of life for you, when things become more difficult with your parents while still giving you extra time to help them.

Healthy people live, on average, longer than ill people. People who don't die young live longer than those who do.

Those may seem ridiculously obvious statements, but that's what's behind the maths.

Some people die as children. Some as young adults. These bring down the overall average. If you've managed to not die when young, your life expectancy rises above the overall average.

It's clearer if you think about historical figures when infant mortality was much higher. Average life expectancy in 1750 was 35. This didn't mean that the majority of people got to their mid 30s and immediately keeled over. A wander through a cemetery will show plenty of headstones for people in their 60s, 70s and even 80s. It means that huge numbers of infants didn't make it through their first year. If they made it to 1, they had a slightly higher chance of making it to 5. Those who got to 5 had better odds of reaching their mid teens. If men lived through their risk-taking 20s and women didn't die in childbirth in their 40s, both were very likely to reach 70 or older.

The curve is far less steep now, but there are still some causes of death that disproportionately effect the young and conditions that raise the chance of dying younger than average. And an average has a range on both sides - if you're not in the group that falls before the line, you're in the group likely to pass it.

You must know a very unusual cohort of 78 year olds.

I’ve just cared for my parents for several years. It was exhausting and took my whole life, and I’m not sure I always did it graciously either. But if I could wind back time I’d do it again. I didn’t think the carers generally were very good and I wouldn’t have felt happy leaving the cafe to them. Plus it was expensive. In the end it was just my mum, and she paid me £100 a week- which topped up my income that I lost as I couldn’t work full time and do everything my mum needed. It was cheaper than carers, so worked for us both.

If you do decide to do this, make sure you get some things in place to help you. I paid a friend, who was a retired nurse, to do meals and care twice a day for one day a week, and my brother did two evenings on days he didn’t work- it just gave me a few hours where I could get away and do things for myself.

And both my parents were very fit and active in their early 70s but massively went downhill in their late 70s. Dad died at 81, mum at 84. So I personally do think of 78 as elderly.

Yes but average life expectancy includes people who die young.

No, I’d advise getting them to accept outside help

You mention a child-how old are they now, will they need more support for whatever reason (eg disability). Do you have a partner? I think it would only be fair to discuss it, as they will probably want to do the same for their parents, to make it fair, and how would you feel about that-would their job allow it?
It would be great if you can help them, but think about how it would affect your career.pension long-term.

@ProfessorBinturong yeah I might be dumb but that still doesn't make a lot of sense

I do understand the thing about if you've crossed past average

And I also understand that some people will die very young and that they are outliers who altered the average figures

But with an individual 78-year-old
You cannot predict whether they will die at 79, 89 or 99

I mean, has anyone actually proved the scientists right, if they are saying "this is how long you will live if you are currently this age" we're not going to know if they're right for a very long time

and statistically most people don't live past 81 or 82 do they? So it seems really mad to say that the 78 year-old is going to live to 85 or whatever it was I'm not gonna scroll back and look at it. Surely the statistic would be Be that they're going to live to the average age of death.

@Timetocheersme sorry not trying to derail

You should be careful because my partners granny lived till 103

You just don't know what's around the corner

I took over the care of my parents 20 years ago when they moved in with us. Step dad died 12 years ago, mum last month

I didnt have a career, I had jobs so that part of planning wasnt a problem, I was always able to find a job that worked around their care needs

My personal advice would be to get carers in now, if you or they can afford them, be it 4 times a day, or someone coming in to shower/bath them, or a companion that comes in for a few hours a day. If you have money you can organise all sorts of care , and if you have a well paying career , to me that would be the best solution

I wish we had had the money to pay for direct care because tbh, Ive spent years living in limbo - living an old persons life - not being able to go anywhere because they were reliant on me

I seriously would suggest getting as much paid for care in place as you can. Else you become the carer and the parent/child relationship becomes totally lost

You already provide a good level of support- Fridays and weekends- I would caution against sacrificing your life to support theirs. Also it doesn’t make financial sense for you to give up earnings because you earn less than your DB, unless he is going to recompense you for providing free care which I very much doubt.
You may be financially comfortable now, but what about in your retirement?

I would support your DPs by getting them a social care assessment so they get any care and adaptations they are entitled to, also to complete attendance allowance forms if they haven’t already. It’s tempting at the start of the decline to throw yourself all in and then realise a few months down the line that a) your DPs are used to this high level of care from you and b) you don’t want to do it anymore because you actually want to go on holiday occasionally or have dinner out with friends.

If there is gaps between what can be provided for them and what they need, then it’s time to sit down and see what they can afford and what additional support you and DB may wish to provide. If they refuse to consider paid for help or social care assessment then I suggest you take a huge step back now for the sake of your own well-being.

That all sounds incredibly harsh and maybe I am not the right person to ask, but I am literally broken after a year of care, thank goodness they are now in a care home. However circumstances may be different as there was mental decline with dementia as well as physical issues.

Elderly is actually classed as over 65.

Either way, one parent has stage 4 cancer and mobility issues and the other is becoming more and more exhausted and is also awaiting surgery. To say all 78 year olds you know are very active is very insensitive and its quite strange you are even on this thread with just that to contribute!

I often think this is such a middle class reply! Statistically you are much more likely to be alive and well at 78 if you are educated and had a decent desk job. The working classes get ten years knocked off their life expectancy in comparison.

77 is not young! It's very near average life expectancy. Who do people Insist on saying 70's is young when it's clearly not? All my grandparents were dead before 75.
I would if you want to and can afford to OP. I switched to home working last year so I could be around more for my ailing parents who live near by. Unfortunately I never got the chance to care for my mum as she died suddenly from a stroke recently aged 76. My biggest regret is not spending more time with her because of work.

Exactly and how is that typical of most 78 year olds?

I think helping with getting them Attendance Allowance as well as the Social Care assessments is a good suggestion.

I look after a few older relatives and simply couldn’t stretch myself to give them all attention and personal care every day so I put systems in place so that they can look after themselves, things like prescription deliveries and a Dossett box, food deliveries, and the usual carers, cleaner, gardener, maybe a milkman and a window cleaner. These all have the added bonus of being extra people who should let you know if something is amiss.

Have they both had an OT assessment too? They can suggest things that make life easier. For example my DA was finding it difficult to carry things through from the kitchen so they gave her a walker with a big tray.

Someone on here mentioned a Woman who had been caring for her DM for 3 years and she had terminal cancer. Your DF might not have that long but our experience was longer than 4 years. The time the Doctors suggest can be wildly inaccurate, it really is just a guessing game

If you become sole support as their needs increase, and you don't have external support, what happens if you become ill or incapacitated suddenly?

@Onlythesaneones forgive me if I caused offence. To me to be so ill at 77/78 does seem young. MIL and Mother are 89 and have become frail only in the last year or so. FIL and father died aged 78 and 73 respectively but it was a long time ago.

I wouldn’t. And surely they wouldn’t let you do that anyway?! It’s not a life I’d want for my adult children.