Navigating caring for parents who were abusive when I was young

[mugchild]

Backstory: F violent abusive controlling, M covered. More relationship with M as feel was also abused but I resent her for covering for my F, as does my DS. (F&M as I can't do the DP and DM as there's little 'Dear' about them) My DS has not had children because of our upbringing. I've two children (21&23), lovely DH. I've kept the relationship at arms length for my protection and amazingly my children and DH have decent relationships with them. DH aware of past abuse.

Now parents elderly. I'm the local daughter. F now in and out of hospital, falls often - is deconditioning. I'm spending c. 20hrs per week taking mum to visit hospital. My business taking a back step for this. They have money. My sister and I have been asking them to find a taxi service and get basic care in to future proof themselves. F says he wants a carer but M refuses. M says she wants F to have a carer but F refuses. So when shit hits the fan they call me.
My problem is this: Today F raged at me and M today in hospital (we refused to put non slip socks on his feet as he fell out of bed yesterday and nurses gave him non slip socks) and I walked out. With all his recent tantrums this final explosion, in front of all hospital staff (and poor other patients!) all the childhood terror came back with avenge. I'm a wreck. I don't want to care for him. I spoke to my DS to get her advice and she was amazing but it made it all come back even more. I don't think I can pretend nice anymore. BUT F&M too old to have a conversation with now. So should I be the grown up (as I've been all along) and play nice or do I pull back totally to protect myself and then feel shit about only now acting on the feelings I've had since I was about 4 and then have to explain it to DCs at some point who til now think my parents are lovely?

Anyone else had this? What did you do?
Sorry for the long post. All advice so needed

You do NOT have to care for your abusive parents op. You have my permission to step away completely and let social services take over.

Your parents were both horribly abusive. They continue to be so - yelling at you in the hospital is a continuation of their abuse and you have had the same reaction as you had way back.

You are not obliged in any way to care for them. You are not obliged to let your income drop and your business suffer because they refuse to pay for support.

Take a big step back.

Op take a huge step back and keep going. Your parents do not deserve your love, support and help. Let social services deal with them. Your father should get a support package when he leaves hospital. They can sort out the funding themselves when this finishes. Good luck x and the biggest of hugs x 🫂🙏❤️💐

Just step back entirely
There's nothing 'grown up' about accepting ongoing abuse.
Leave them to it

My dad has been quite verbally nasty. When he had a heart operation 4 years ago I stayed with him to look after him. I lasted 5 days before I had enough and left. Big hugs to you x

Being old does not, in any way, give you a pass for being abusive. And I say this as a 75 year old.

Your parents were abusive when you are young and they are still abusive.

Stop helping them, please, for the same of your own mental health.

Why do you allow yourself to be exposed to this behaviour? You said you are local. Pretend you moved away..

You don’t have to be involved. They are still abusing you. You don’t need to be there for it.

Refuse to visit in hospital.
Stop answering the phone..

Let them know you won't be helping should they be released..
I am nc with my dps and no medical incidents will see me going back.

Sorry OP. My DH was in similar position 5 years ago and after a lifetime of his F gaslighting and my DH people pleasing, developing toxic coping mechanisms he just stopped. Stopped answering calls, stopped answering door, hasn’t had any contact in years now. It’s been hard and I found it particularly challenging for some reason but DH is finally actually happy. I think he’d have possibly had a heart attack if he hadn’t gone no contact. When we were going through it I got a lot of support here.

Just imagine what your life would be like if you stopped doing this. Peace on earth.

I know but my Mum is also exposed to his abuse and my children think he’s a nice guy …

Stop doing this. You are harming yourself by providing care for those who hurt you. You absolutely don’t have to do this and can tell them why if you choose.

So stop teaching your dc that this man is ok! Stop protecting him from his own behaviour!

Whilst he is in hospital raise your concerns re you F’s behaviour towards your M. Explain that this is an entrenched pattern of behaviour and not just linked to acute illness. Explain your own experience if this feels appropriate for you. Then leave to the staff to consider any adult safeguarding actions they would need to take.

Your mum has chosen to stay with him. That’s on her. She doesn’t get to expect you to support her choices.

My mum was borderline abusive. DF received poor care in his last years because he’d chosen to stay with her and prioritise her against everyone- himself and us. He made that choice consistently for 60 odd years.

IBut he doesn’t abuse them - he only behaved this way when my DS and I were young.

Your children are old enough to hear the truth about your upbringing. Why do they think your violent father is a nice guy? he isn't. Speak your truth to them.

You owe these people nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Just stop. Tell the hospital you are not going to be involved because your father was violent to you when you were a child and so you are not helping in any way.

your parents have money. Let them use it. This is NOT your problem.

I presume your sister would support you in all of this.

They think he’s a nice guy because you haven’t told them the truth. They haven’t seen him be an abusive piece of shit. You don’t have to terrify them. Just let them know that while they’ve never seen it, he has behaved horribly and still does.

They need to know that he has chosen to abuse his wife and children. That some people don’t look abusive, but they can be abusive. Don’t teach your DC that nasty men wear labels!

Why have you allowed your DC to know and love a man who is violent, abusive and controlling? He still is. He’s raging at you in the hospital.

Don’t teach your DC to rely on superficial appearances.

Your children are wrong, he's not a nice guy! You don't have to tell them the whole story but you could explain that he wasn't nice to you or sister when you were younger.

Your mother made her own choices, she could have protected her children but chose not to.

You have no responsibility to either of them.

They can afford to pay for help, let them. It really isn't your problem.

That’s a tough truth. I’m can’t even think where to begin to unravel that one for myself. Feel that’s one for the future.
From all the feedback (thank you all!) seems like for now I need to work out how step back without hitting the nuke button …

You’re a victim of FOG. Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

You have been brought up to cover up, to make things appear ok. You think you understand what you went through, but you aren’t all the way there yet.

It isn’t your fault. But you don’t have to cover for him anymore. You don’t have to keep up appearances or care for them.

thank you - sounds like a good start 🙏

I def people please to keep an easy life but now it seems too much and time to pull back. Thank you

As others say, their care is not your responsibility. Speak to hospital abd ve absolutely clear you will be providing zero support when he leaves hospital and tgey should make a referral to SS. If your mother isn't capable of looking after herself make a referral to SS. Abdcalso explain to them tgey abused you as a child, are still abusing you abd you will be providing zero support.

Then walk away . Enjoy your life with your own family. Bin any hint of guilt you may feel. Its only function is to make you feel like crap -so just bin it.

I can't vring myself to use the DG thing for my gran either.

You can do this!