Navigating caring for parents who were abusive when I was young

[mugchild]

Backstory: F violent abusive controlling, M covered. More relationship with M as feel was also abused but I resent her for covering for my F, as does my DS. (F&M as I can't do the DP and DM as there's little 'Dear' about them) My DS has not had children because of our upbringing. I've two children (21&23), lovely DH. I've kept the relationship at arms length for my protection and amazingly my children and DH have decent relationships with them. DH aware of past abuse.

Now parents elderly. I'm the local daughter. F now in and out of hospital, falls often - is deconditioning. I'm spending c. 20hrs per week taking mum to visit hospital. My business taking a back step for this. They have money. My sister and I have been asking them to find a taxi service and get basic care in to future proof themselves. F says he wants a carer but M refuses. M says she wants F to have a carer but F refuses. So when shit hits the fan they call me.
My problem is this: Today F raged at me and M today in hospital (we refused to put non slip socks on his feet as he fell out of bed yesterday and nurses gave him non slip socks) and I walked out. With all his recent tantrums this final explosion, in front of all hospital staff (and poor other patients!) all the childhood terror came back with avenge. I'm a wreck. I don't want to care for him. I spoke to my DS to get her advice and she was amazing but it made it all come back even more. I don't think I can pretend nice anymore. BUT F&M too old to have a conversation with now. So should I be the grown up (as I've been all along) and play nice or do I pull back totally to protect myself and then feel shit about only now acting on the feelings I've had since I was about 4 and then have to explain it to DCs at some point who til now think my parents are lovely?

Anyone else had this? What did you do?
Sorry for the long post. All advice so needed

Tell them to pay for cabs! And if your father has tantrums like that again, I’d simply walk out and tell him I won’t be back unless/until he can behave himself.

OP, you owe them nothing - please don’t let them - or anyone else - guilt trip you into showing ‘kindness’ you just don’t feel, and which they certainly don’t deserve.

You say your parents can afford private help but refuse to do so. Time to drop the rope and step back without pangs of conscience. I moved to another city because as the divorced childfree daughter I could see myself being delegated to look after needy parents. My father beat me violently as a child and my mother never raised a finger to stop him.

Do not be guilt tripped. As ye sow so shall ye reap.

I really feel for you but I think you have to look after yourself.

Your parents choose to treat you badly, they choose to put themselves first...you owe them absolutely nothing and can choose to put this down and walk away.

I had a similar childhood I am now no contact with my elderly mother (an enabler) and by extension all of the extended family apart from a neice and have been for the last 7 years and I really cant tell you how much this has improved my mental health and life.

My step father is now dead but everyone thinks he was great (apart from my sister who lived with the same daily fear)

I can't offer you advice on how to deal with telling your children as I haven't ever told my neice ( that is for her mother I think) but it hurts that she misses a 'wonderful man' who was actually an evil monster to me and her own mother.

Walk away and don't look back. No matter what you do, it will never be enough so you might as well do nothing. You may think you're saving your mum, but she made a choice not to put you first, and decisions have consequences. I had similar circumstances but after mum died, I did the same with my abusive dad and after feeling bad about it for a few weeks, I am glad I pulled the plug rather than give in to his tantrums. It went against my "be good, don't make a fuss" upbringing, and I hope he's reflecting on why he is now left on his own (although I doubt it).

Had he died first and left mum behind, things might have been different but we'll never know.

Your mum either enabled his abuse of you and your sister, or at the very least turned a blind eye and didn't protect you.

Depending on how old your DC are, you can tell them that he wasn't and still isn't a good guy. He was physically violence to his own children. He should be no-where near your children.

You had a horrific childhood and you owe your parents nothing. Step right back and don't feel guilty.